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THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

GIFT  OF 

Mary  Randall 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


http://www.archive.org/details/bathcomedyOOcastrich 


The  BATH   COMEDY 


By    EGERTON     CASTLE 

Young  April 

The  Pride  of  Jennico  \Whh  Agnes  Castle'] 

The  Light  of  Scarthey 
Consequences 
La  Bella  and  Others 
Marshfield  the  Observer 

The  Secret  Orchard  [/«  preparation 

The  Jerningham  Letters  [  With  Portraits  and  Illustratiors 

English  Book- Plates,  Ancient  and  Modern  [Illustrated' 

Schools  and  Masters  of  Fence,  from  the  Middle  Ages  to  the 
XIX  Century  ^Illustrated] 

Le  Roman  du  Prince  Othon 
[A  rendering  in  French  of  R.  L.  Stevenson^ s  Prince  Otto] 


The    BATH 
COMEDY 

By  Agnes  and  EgertonJCastle 

Authors  of  ^^Th-Q.  Pride  of  Jennico." 


FREDERICK  A.    STOKES  COMPANY 

Publishers 


Copyright,  l8gp,  by 
Frank  Leslie  Publishing  Housi 

Copyright,  jgoo,  by 
Egerton  Castle 

Copyright,  igoo,  by 
Frederick  A.  Stokes  Company 

* 

All  rights  reserved 


GIFT 


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PREFACE 


HE  Royal  Crescent — 

"Open  we  here  on  a  Spring  day 
fine" 

the  first  scene  of  this  Bath 

Comedy, 

The  precise  year^  however^ 

may  not  he  given,  A 
sufficient  reason  for  reticence  in  the  matter 
of  exact  date  will  he  found  in  the  un- 
fortunate predicament  of  the  then  Bishop 
of  Bath  and  Wells:  undoubtedly  a  most 
mortifying  episode  in  the  life  of  an  in- 
variably digmfied  Divine,  Now  there  were 
several  Bishops  of  Bath  and  Wells  dur~ 
ing  the  second  half  of  the  1 8th  century  ^ 
and  this  trifling  lack  of  circumstantiality  will 
do  away  with  the  least  trace  of  scandal. 
The  second  half  of  the  century^  however^  is  ad- 
mitted,— T^ he  fact y  indeed^  would  be  revealed 
at  once  to  the  curious  in  the  matter^  by  the 
mention,  on  the  one  hand,  of  the  King*s  Circus, 
(which  dates  from  the  last  years  of  second 
George)  and,  on  the  other,  by  the  reference  to 
Bathwick  Meadows  as  a  solitary  site  and 

[vii] 


PREFACE 


still  fitted  at  the  time  to  an  ^^ honour ahle 
meetings'  whereas  it  has  been  known  as  a 
place  of  popular  resort  [under  the  name  of 
Sydney  Gardens^  since  the  year  IjgS* 
A  few  other  points ^  again  [should  anyone 
think  worth  his  while  to  consider  so  trifling 
a  question),  might  serve  to  fix  within  a  few 
lustres  the  date  of  Mrs,  Kitty  Be  Hairs'  can- 
trips as  they  afl^ectedy  among  other  things. 
Lady  Standish's  domestic  happiness,  Mr, 
0' Hara' s  connubial  hopes  and  my  Lord  Ver- 
ney  s  sentimental  education. 
It  may  be  noticed,  for  instance,  that  the  gen- 
tlemen wear  their  swords.  That  was,  as  most 
people  know,  a  distinction  strenuously  denied 
them  so  long  as  the  immortal  Master  of  Cer- 
emonies, Mr,  Richard  Nash,  reigned  as 
*^  King  of  Bath,'*  Now,  his  autocratic  rule 
came  to  an  end  before  George  the  Third  was 
King,  As  another  landmark,  it  will  be  re- 
called that  the  notorious  and  indecorous  en- 
counter between  Richard  Br  ins  ley  Sheridan 
and  that  unpleasant  personage  Captain  Mat- 
thews was  the  last  duel  with  swords  fought 

[  viii  ] 


PREFACE 


in  the  Kingdom;  and  it  was  fought  in  1772, 
Furthermore y  our  Captain  Spicer  [whether 
veraciously  or  not)  claims  to  have  been  a  fa- 
voured pupil  of  the  famous  Angelo — and 
such  a  perfecting  course  in  the  Noble  Art 
could  not  have  been  acquired  before  the  early 
sixties.  Then,  again,  there  is  still  a  good  deal 
of  powder  in  our  actors'  head-dress.  The  slip- 
pers of  our  actresses  are  still  delicious  and 
high-heeled;  the  sandal  of  the  nineties  has  not 
yet  made  its  dreadful  appearance.  And  the 
ladies  visard,  if  not  so  universal  as  it  once 
had  been,  is  still  an  accepted  institution. 
It  will  sufice,  in  short,  to  say  of  our  charac- 
ters [if  once  more  we  may  be  allowed  to  par- 
aphrase some  of  Mr,  Austin  Dobson's  dainty 
verses)  that 

They  lived  in  that  past  Georgian  dsy. 
When  men  were  less  inclined  to  say 
That  *'  Time  is  Gold,''  and  overlay 
With  toil  their  pleasure. 

Those  were,  on  the  whole,  rather  more  joyous 

times  than  our  own,  and  more  different  than 

the  mere  lapse  of  one  century  seems  to  account 

[ix] 


PREFACE 


for.  The  gentlemen,  then,  dressed  almost  as 
handsomely,  prinked  and  plumed  the^nsehes  as 
elaborately,  as  the  ladies.  Gallantry,  in  both 
senses,  and  ready  wit  were  their  most  precious 
claim:  a  fight  was  considered  a  full  remedy 
to  a  slight,  a  sharp  epigram  to  an  injury. 
Heavy  drinking  was  held  an  indispens- 
able accompaniment  to  goodfellowship;  and 
love-making  was  a  far  suppler  art  than  seems 
known  to  this  more  earnest  century — a  pastime 
for  '^  the  quality,''  something  on  par  with 
the  gambling  passion,  *' Virtue/'  not  modesty, 
was  woman  s  fair  fame,  A  forcible  abduction 
would  at  a  pinch  be  argued  as  an  undeniable 
compliment.  Life  ran  like  a  dance,  then,  with 
merry,  tapping  heels  and  light-hearted  inter- 
change of  partner:  those  old-world  days  were 
much  younger  than  ours! 
So  much  for  the  times,  and  for  the  characters. 
For  scenery  we  have  this  gem  among  prosper- 
ous towns, — The  grey  stone  city  of  wealthy, 
sedate  residences,  arranged  with  noble  archi- 
tectural effect  in  broad  straight  streets,  wide 
open  squares,  parades,  terraces ^  crescents;  tier 

[x] 


PREFACE 


upon  tier,  on  the  slope  of  a  hill  down  to  the 
water  s  edge;  set  serenely  in  a  wooded  'valley, 
with  much  green  in  perspective  beyond  the 
lazy,  slowly  winding  Avon, 
Indeed,  of  its  kind  Bath  is  unique  among  the 
cities  of  Europe,  Deprived  as  it  is,  by  modern 
conditions,  of  its  former  social  attractions j  it 
is  still  one  of  the  most  beautiful. 
Like  so  many  very  old  towns,  it  has  had  a 
long  Roman  existence:  its  luxurious  baths  and 
other  remains  testify  to  its  splendour  when  it 
was  known  as  Aquas  Solis.  It  filled,  also,  an 
important  place  in  the  land  as  a  Mediaeval 
Borough,  wall-girt  and  defensible:  of  that 
period  the  Abbey  Church,  the  ^^  Lantern  of 
England,''  remains  a  handsome  bequest.  But, 
on  the  surface  at  least,  there  is  now  nothing 
to  recall  vividly  any  older  past  than  the  days 
of  periwig,  of  powder  and  patches,  of  "  wine 
and  walnuf*  wit.  Its  characteristic  charm, 
one  which  happily  the  present  age  has  had 
little  power  to  efface,  is  par  excellence  that 
of  the  1 8th  century;  for  it  was  in  early  and 
middle  Georgian  years  that,  with  a  strange 


PREFACE 


suddenness,  "  The  Bath "  became  an  ac-^ 
cepted  centre  of  fashion  and  pleasure  and  as- 
sumed its  special  physiognomy  of  leisure^ 
wealth  and  exclusiveness. 
This  old-world  air  still  hangs  about  the  rest- 
dential  part  of  the  Town,  and  in  a  singu- 
larly haunting  way.  In  those  broad  streets, 
calm  and  silent  and  almost  deserted  at  most 
hours ;  in  those  high-windowed  houses,  typical 
of  stateliness  and  cold  elegance  rather  than  of 
lolling  comfort,  the  very  atmosphere  seems  to  this 
day  redolent  of  "  Chippendale  "  notions.  The 
sordidly  plain  modern  dress  of  man  is  pain- 
fully incongruous ;  the  rattling  cab  is  a  dis- 
cord. It  would  be  a  relief,  much  more  than 
an  astonishment,  to  note  an  obvious  three- 
cornered  hat,  a  broad-skirted  coat,  on  one's 
fellow  man;  to  hear  on  the  flags  the  regular 
tramp  of  Chairmen  swinging  along  some 
dainty  charge,  deliciously  powdered  and 
rouged! , 

The  course  of  an  hundred  and  odd  years  has 

obliterated  some    scenes,  and  modified  all  to 

some  extent.  Orange    Grove  has  lost,    'tis 

[xii] 


PREFACE 


true^  much  of  its  discreet  character;  and  its 
neighbouring  chocolate  rooms  [so  handy  to  in- 
trigues^ are  now  only  memories.  The  Assem- 
bly Rooms  are  shorn  of  all  fashion.  The 
new  Great  Pump  Room  is  not  quite  a 
replica  of  the  old,  though  it  has  retained  its 
general  air, — But  the  Crescents,  Royal  and 
Lansdowne,  the  Circus,  Gay  Street  and 
Queen  Square,  the  Parades,  and  the  flags 
of  Abbey  Place,  are  still  for  us.  At  certain 
hours y  if  we  have  the  mood,  we  can  readily 
people  them  again  in  our  mind' s  eye  with  nota- 
ble guests  of  ^^The  Bath'*  in  its  great  days 
.  .  .  Dr.  fohnson  and  my  Lord  Chesterfleld, 
Pope,  Oliver  Goldsmith,  Sheridan,  Smollett^ 
Chatham,  Gainsborough,  Fanny  Burney,  ac- 
cording to  the  fleeting  thought — alh  faithfuls'^ 
of  the  Spa — Greatness,  Literature,  Art,  mere 
Fashion,  Or,  again,  shall  we  say  Squire 
Bramble,  or  Lydia  Languish  or  Sir  Anthony 
Absolute;  or  blushing,  too  ingenuous  Evelina 
.   .  .  ? 

Why,  the  place  is  alive  with  suggestion! 
Here  a  house  front,   with  its  carved  stone 

[  ^i"  1 


PREFACE 


wreaths  and  urns  and  bosses,  with  its  pedi- 
mented  windows  or  its  shell-canopied  door 
[still  provided  with  its  long  since  honorary 
link-extinguisher^  if  you  look  at  it  inquiringly  y 
seems  ready  to  tell  its  tale  of  by-gone  life. 
But,  unlike  that  of  so  many  buildings  of  a 
past  age,  the  tale  of  a  house  in  Bath  rarely 
takes  the  earnest  romantic  turn:  it  is  irre- 
sistibly a  ^^  Comedy,''  comedy  of  intrigue  and 
manners,  of  fashion  and  all  its  consequent 
frivolity  [with  perhaps  just  a  little  pathos, 
hut  never  beyond  the  limits  of  elegance^ — 
comidie  a  la  Francais,  mostly,  Je  trompe,  tu 
trompes,  nous  trompons  .  .  .  / 
In  this  guise  the  first  stately  building  at  the 
western  extremity  of  the  Royal  Crescent,  its 
pilasters,  its  stone  steps  and  curvetting  iron- 
work, clamoured  to  tell  of  Lady  Standish's  so 
nearly  disastrous  experiment  on  her  husband's 
credulity.  The  corner  house  of  Gay  Street 
near  George  Street  [opposite  the  alluring 
old-book  store  of  Mr,  Meehan — the  genial 
Bath  Antiquary^  proclaimed  at  all  the  pores 
of  its  crumbling  stones,  as  clearly  as  if  the 


PREFACE 


commemorative  tablet  had  duly  been  erected^ 
that  the  warm-hearted  Irishman,  the  Honble. 
Denis  O'Hara,  had  dwelt  there  in  the  year 
ly — .  There  is  another  house,  at  the  southern 
corner  of  ^een  Square,  adorned  with  Cupids' 
heads  and  cornucopia,  which,  beyond  all  man- 
ner of  doubt,  in  that  sa^ne  year  was  the 
*^ lodging''  [Fashion  spoke  of  lodgings  then!) 
of  the  ingenious  young  widow  Bellairs,  In  the 
same  manner  the  middle  building,  facing  westy 
of  Pierreponfs  Street  [one  of  the  most  correct 
in  Bath)  has  still  all  the  conscious  air  of  hav- 
ing sheltered  once  that  most  excellent  young 
man,  Lord  Verney, 

One  of  the  drawbacks  of  setting  down  a  com- 
edy in  narrative  form  is  the  necessary  cur- 
tailing of  all  descriptive  passages  and  explana- 
tory ethical  disquisitions;  in  such  a  frame  pen 
and  ink  pictures  of  scenery  and  the  rendering 
of  atmosphere  are  out  of  place. 
Let  it  therefore  be  borne  in  mind  that,  in  this 
Butterfly  Drama,  with  the  exception  of  the 
penultimate  scene  enacted  at  the  Inn  in  De- 
vizeSy  the  scenery  is  altogether  cast  in  or 
[xv] 


PREFACE 


about  the  handsome  old  grey  town;  in  its  lofty- 
ceiled,  polished-floored  rooms,  rather  bare;  on 
its  broad  pavement,  clean  and  trim  and  as 
little  crowded  as  any  conventional  stage.  Of 
the  rest  it  must  be  understood  that  we  are  in 
the  midst  of  what  has  been  extolled  as  ^Hhe 
Bath  manner,''  and  that  throughout,  as  was 
said  of  another,  but  world-wide  known^ 
''Bath  Comedy^' 

"Love  gilds  the  scene,  and  woman  guides  the  plot!" 

A.  and  £.  C. 

4.g  Shane  Gardens 

London,  S.  W. 
April,  igoo 


[  xvi  1 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE   I. 


W 

1 

^B 

w 

HAT?  My  sweet  Lady 
Standish  in  tears!'' 
Mistress  Kitty  Bellairs 
poised  her  dainty  person 
on  one  foot,  and  cast  a 
mocking,  somewhat  con- 
temptuous, yet  good- 
humoured  glance  at  the  sHm  length  of 
sobbing  womanhood  prone  on  the  gilt- 
legged,  satin-cushioned  sofa. 
"Tears,''  said  Mistress  Kitty,  twirling 
round  on  her  heel  to  look  at  the  set  of 
her  new  sacque  in  the  mirror  and  admire 
its  delicate  flowered  folds,  as  they  caught 
the  shafts  of  spring  sunshine  that  pierced 
into  the  long  dim  room  from  the  narrow 
street,  "  tears,  my  dear,  unless  you  cry  be- 
comingly, which  I  would  have  you  know 
not  one  in  the  thousand  can,  are  a  luxury 
every  self-respecting  woman  ought  to  deny 
herself.  Now  I,"  said  Mistress  Kitty,  and 
tweaked  at  a  powdered  curl,  and  turned 

[  I  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

her  head  Hke  a  bird  for  a  last  glimpse  at 
the  mirror  before  sinking  into  an  arm- 
chair and  drawing  closer  to  her  afflicted 
friend,  "  have  not  shed  a  tear  since  I  lost 
my  first  lover,  and  that  is — I  will  not  say 
how  many  years  ago.  I  was  a  mightily 
precocious  child !  When  I  say  a  tear,  mind 
you,  'tis  a  figure  of  speech.  Far  be  it  from 
me  to  deny  the  charm  of  a  pearly  drop — 
just  one:  enough  to  gather  on  the  tip  of 
the  finger,  enough  just  to  suffuse  the  pa- 
thetic eye.  Oh,  that  is  not  only  permissi- 
ble, 'tis  to  be  cultivated.  But  such  weep- 
ing as  yours — sobs  that  shake  you,  tears 
that  drench  the  handkerchief,  redden  the 
eyes,  not  to  speak  of  the  nose — fie!  fie! 
it  is  clean  against  all  reason.  Come!"  with 
a  sudden  gentle  change  of  tone,  putting 
her  hand  on  the  abased  head,  where  fair 
curls  luxuriated  in  all  their  native  sunshine, 
"what  is  it  all  about?" 
Lady  Standish  slowly  and  languidly  drew 
herself  into  a  sitting  posture,  and  raised  a 
countenance  marred    out    of  its    delicate 

[  M 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

beauty  by  the  violent  passion  of  her  grief. 
Swimming  blue   eyes   she    fixed  upon  the 
Mistress  Kitty's  plump,  dimpling  face. 
"Alas!"  she  breathed  upon   the  gust  of  a 
sigh  that  was   as  wet   as  an  April  breeze, 
and  tripped   up  by  a  belated   sob.  "  Alas! 
you    see    in    me   the    most    miserable   of 
women.  Alas!  my  heart  is  broken!" 
Here  the  kerchief,  soaked  indeed  beyond 
all  possible  utility,  was  frantically  held  to 
streaming  eyes  once  more. 
"Mercy!"  cried  the  pretty  widow,  "you 
could  not   take   on  worse  if  you  had  the 
small-pox:  you,  a  three-months'  wife!" 
"Ah  me!"  moaned  Lady  Standish. 
"So,"  said  Mistress  Kitty,  "he  has  been  a 
brute  again,  has  he?  Come,  Julia,  weep  on 
my  bosom.  What  is  it   now?  Did  he  kiss 
you  on  the  forehead  instead  of  on  the  lips? 
Or  did  he   say:  *  Zounds,  madam!'  when 
you  upset  a  dish  of  tea  over  his  waistcoat? 
Or  yet  did  he,  could   he,  the  monster! — 
nay,  it  is   not   possible,  yet   men  are  so — 
could  he  have  whispered  that  Lady  Caro- 

[3] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

line  looked — passable  last  night?" 
Lady  Standish  rose  to  her  feet,  crumpled 
her  kerchief  in  one  small  hand,  and  faced 
her  friend  with  tragic  passion. 
"  It  is  useless  to  blind  myself,"  she  said. 
**  Cease  to  gibe  at  me,  pray.  Mistress  Bel- 
lairs;  I  must  face  the  truth!  My  husband 
loves  me  no  longer.  Oh!  Kitty,  Kitty," 
dropping  from  her  height  of  tragedy  very 
quickly  and  landing  on  a  v^himper  again, 
"  is  it  not  sad?  I  have  tried,  heaven  is  my 
witness,  to  win  him  back  by  the  tenderest 
love,  by  the  most  pitiful  pleading.  He  has 
seen  me  weep  and  pine.  *  Rob  me  of  your 
love,'  I  have  told  him,  'and  you  rob  me 
of  life.'  And  he,  he — oh,  how  shall  I  tell 
you?  As  the  days  go  by  he  is  with  me  less 
and  less.  He  walks  abroad  with  others. 
His  evenings  he  gives  to  strangers — ay, 
and  half  his  nights — while  I  may  sob  my- 
self to  sleep  at  home.  I  saw  him  to-day 
but  for  two  minutes — 'twas  half  an  hour 
ago.  He  entered  here  upon  me,  looking, 
ah  Kitty!  as  only  he   can   look,  the  most 

[4] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

elegant  and  beautiful  of  men.  I  was  sing- 
ing, piping  as  a  poor  bird  may  to  strive 
and  call  its  mate  to  the  nest.  He  passed 
through  the  room  without  a  word,  with- 
out a  sign;  he  that  used  to  say  'twas  heaven 
to  sit  and  listen  to  my  voice.  *  What!'  I 
exclaimed  as  he  reached  the  door,  '  not  a 
word  for  poor  Julia?'  Kitty,  at  the  sound 
of  that    cry    wrung  from    my    heart,  he 

turned  and  frowned,  and  said (Oh, 

oh,  oh!)" 

"  Ha!"  said    Mistress    Kitty,  "  what   said 

he?"  ("  Heaven  help  him!"  said  she  aside; 

"  the  woman's  a  fountain.") 

"  He    said,"   sobbed    Julia,  "  '  Mayn't    a 

man  even   go   for   a   stroll?'  Oh,  had  you 

but  heard  the  cold   indifferent  tone,  you 

would  have  understood  how  it  cut  me  to 

the  heart.  I  ran  to  him  and  laid  my  hand 

upon  his  sleeve,  and  he  said " 

Again  grief  overcame  her. 

"  Well,  what  said  he?" 

"  He  said — oh,  oh! — he  said,  *  Julia,  don't 

paw  me.'  " 

[5] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


Mistress  Kitty  Bellairs,  the  reigning  toast 
of  Bath,  the  prettiest  woman,  in  the  esti- 
mation of  her  admirers,  in  all  England, 
and  the  wittiest,  laughed  low  to  herself, 
then  rose  from  her  chair,  took  her  tall 
friend  by  the  shoulders,  and  walked  her 
up  to  the  mirror. 

"  Look  at  yourself,"  said  she,  "  and  look 
at  me." 

Lady  Standish  winced.  The  contrast  be- 
tween her  own  dishevelled  hair,  her  mar- 
bled swollen  countenance,  her  untidy 
morning  gown,  and  the  blooming  perfec- 
tion of  the  apparition  beside  her,  was 
more  than  she  could  contemplate.  Kitty 
Bellairs — as  complete  in  every  detail  of 
beauty  as  a  carnation — smiled  upon  her- 
self sweetly. 

"  My  dear,"  said  she,  "  I  have  had  thirty- 
seven  declared  adorers  these  three  years, 
and  never  one  tired  of  me  yet.  Poor  Bel- 
lairs," she  said  with  a  light  sigh,  "  he  had 
two  wives  before  me,  and  he  was  sixty- 
nine  when  he  died,  but  he  told  me  with 
.        [6] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

his  last  breath  that  'twas  I  gave  him  all 
the  joy  he  ever  knew/' 
Lady  Stan  dish  ceased  weeping  as  suddenly 
as  if  her  tears  had  been  mechanically 
turned  off.  She  regarded  the  widow 
earnestly. 

"  Now,  child/'  said  Mistress  Bellairs,  with 
all  the  authority  of  her  twenty-six  years, 
"  here  we  have  been  four  weeks  acquainted, 
and  you  have  more  than  once  done  me 
the  honour  of  saying  that  you  considered 
me  your  friend." 
"  'Tis  so,"  said  Lady  Standish. 
"  Then  listen  to  me.  There  are  three  great 
rules  to  be  observed  in  our  dealings  with 
men.  The  first  rule  comprises  an  extraor- 
dinary number  of  minor  details,  but  briefly 
and  comprehensively  it  runs  thus:  Never 
be  monotonous!  Second  rule:  Never  let  a 
man  be  too  sure  of  you!  Oh!  that  is  a  won- 
derful wise  maxim:  reflect  upon  it.  Third: 
Never,  never  let  a  man  see  how — well,  how 
far  from  lovely  you  can  look!  Tush,  tush, 
you  are  a   better-looking  woman   than   I 

[7] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

am,  but  not  when  you  have  been  blubber- 
ing, and  not  when  you  are  fretful." 
Lady  Standish  suddenly  sat  down  as  if  her 
limbs  could  support  her  no  more.  She 
looked  up  at  the  ceiling  with  tear-dimmed 
eyes. 

**Pray,''  said  Mistress  Kitty  inquisitorially 
ex  cathedra,  "  how  many  times  a  day  do 
you  tell  that  unfortunate  man  that  you 
love  him?  And,  worse  still,  how  many 
times  a  day  do  you  want  him  to  say  that 
he  loves  you?  I  vow  'tis  enough  to  drive 
him  to  cards,  or  wine,  or  something  infi- 
nitely worse  that  also  begins  with  a  w! 
And,  pray,  if  you  spend  all  you  have,  and 
empty  your  purse,  do  you  think  your  purse 
becomes  a  very  valuable  possession?  'Tis  a 
mere  bit  of  leather.  Nay,  nay,  keep  your 
gold,  and  give  it  out  piece  by  piece,  and 
do  not  give  it  at  all  unless  you  get  good 
change  for  it.  Oh,''  cried  Kitty,  a  fine 
flush  of  indignation  rising  scarlet  behind 
her  rouge,  "  I  marvel  that  women  should 
be  such  fools! — to  act  the  handmaid  where 

[81 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


they  should  ever  rule  as  mistress;  to  cast 
forth  unsought  what  they  should  dole  out 
only  to  the  supplicant  on  bended  knee. 
Hath  a  man  ever  had  from  me  an  unsolic- 
ited avowal?  Have  I  ever  thrown  the  most 
ardent  lover  more  than  a  'perhaps/  and 
*  it  may  be/  a  smile,  a  dimple,  a  finger- 
tip? (What  they  have  stolen  I  have  not 
given,  that  is  obvious!  And,  besides,  'tis 
neither  here  nor  there.)  And  pray.  Lady 
Standish,  since  when  have  you  left  off  put- 
ting on  rouge  and  having  your  hair  tired 
and  powdered,  and  wearing  a  decent  gown 
of  mornings  and  a  modish  saqque,  and  a 
heel  to  that  pretty  foot,  a  jewel  in  the  ear 
and  a  patch  beneath  the  lip?" 
Lady  Standish  had  ceased  contemplating 
the  ceiling;  she  was  looking  at  her  friend. 
"But,  madam,"  she  said,  "this  is  strange 
advice.  Would  you  have  me  coquette  with 
my  husband,  as  if — God  forgive  me  for 
even  saying  such  a  thing — as  if  I  were 
not  wife,  but  mistress?" 
"La,  you  there,"  said   Mistress  Bellairs, 

L9] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

and  clapped  her  hands,  "there  is  the  whole 
murder  out!  You  are  the  man's  lawful, 
honest  wife,  and  therefore  all  tedium  and 
homeliness,  all  fretful  brow  and  tearful 
eye.  God  save  us!  who  shall  blame  him  if 
he  seek  a  pleasant  glint  of  vice  to  change 
him  of  you?" 

There  fell  a  silence.  Lady  Standish  rose 
indignant,  grew  red,  grew  pale,  caught  a 
glimpse  of  herself  again  in  the  mirror, 
shrank  from  the  sight,  and  crept  back  to 
the  sofa  with  a  humble  and  convicted  air. 
Then  she  cast  a  look  of  anguished  plead- 
ing at  Mistress  Bellairs'  bright  unfeeling 
countenance. 

"  Tell  me,"  she  said  with  a  parched  lip, 
"  what  shall  I  do?" 

"  Do!"  cried  the  widow,  rising  with  a 
brisk  laugh,  *'  get  some  powder  into  your 
hair,  and  some  colour  into  those  cheeks! 
And  when  Sir  Jasper  returns  (he  left  you 
in  tears,  he  will  be  sullen  when  he  comes 
home;  'tis  a  mere  matter  of  self-defence) 
let  him  find  you  gay,  distraite;  say  a  sharp 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


thing  or  two  if  you  can;  tell  him  you  do 
not  need  his  company  this  afternoon.  Ah, 
and  if  you  could  make  him  jealous!  'Tis 
a  very,  very  old  trick,  but  then,  you  see, 
love  is  a  very  old  game,  the  oldest  of  all. 
Make  him  jealous,  my  dear,  make  him 
jealous  and  you'll  win  the  rubber  yet!" 
"Jealous!"  cried  the  three-months'  wife, 
and  all  the  blood  of  the  innocent  country 
girl  leapt  to  her  brow.  "Oh,  madam,  how 
could  that  be?" 

"Look  out  a  beau,  nay,  two  or  three,  'tis 
safer!  Talk  discreetly  with  them  in  the 
Pump-Room,  let  them  fan  you  at  the  ball, 
let  them  meet  you  in  Orange-Grove.  Or, 
if  you  have  not  spirit  enough — and  indeed, 
my  sweet  life,  you  sadly  lack  spirit — start 
but  an  imaginary  one,  merely  for  the  use 
of  your  lord  and  master:  I  wager  you  he 
will  rise  to  the  fly." 

"I  am  afraid  Sir  Jasper  could  be  very  jeal- 
ous/' said  the  other  uneasily.  "I  remem- 
ber before  we  were  wed,  when  my  cousin 
Harry  would  ride  with  me  to  the  meet, 

[  "  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

oh,  how  angry  Sir  Jasper  was!  He  swore 
he  would  shoot  himself,  ay,  and  he  was 
all  for  shooting  Harry  too." 
"But  he  was  not  the  less  ardent  with  you 
on  the  score  of  it,  FU  warrant  him,"  said 
the  experienced  Mistress  Bellairs. 
"Ah,  no,"  said  Lady  Standish,  and  her  lip 
trembled  over  a  smile,  while  the  ready 
water  sprang  to  her  eyelashes,  and:  "Ah, 
no!"  she  said  again.  "Indeed,  he  loved  me 
then  very  ardently." 

"And  he'll  love  you  so  still  if  you  have 
but  a  spark  of  courage.  Get  you  to  your 
room,"  said  the  widow,  goodhumouredly, 
"bustle  up  and  play  your  part.  Where  is 
that  woman  of  yours?" 
She  pushed  Lady  Standish  before  her  as 
she  spoke,  herself  rang  the  call-bell  for 
the  tirewoman,  and  gave  a  few  pregnant 
suggestions  to  that  worthy,  who  advanced 
all  sour  smiles  and  disapproving  dips.  Then 
she  strolled  back  into  the  drawing-room 
and  paused  a  moment  as  she  slipped  on 
her  long  gloves.    Next  she  drew  a  letter 

[    12    ]_ 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

from  her  pocket  and  began  to  read  it  with 
a  thoughtful  brow. 

"No,  no.  Sir  Jasper,"  she  said  half  aloud, 
"you're  a  fine  gentleman,  and  a  pretty  fel- 
low, you  have  a  neat  leg,  and  an  eloquent 
turn  of  speech,  but  I  will  not  have  the 
child's  heart  broken  for  the  amusement  of 
an  idle  day." 

She  took  the  letter  between  each  little 
forefinger  and  thumb  as  if  to  tear  it,  thought 
better  of  it,  folded  it  again  and  thrust  it 
back  into  its  place  of  concealment. 
Presently  she  smiled  to  herself,  and  walked 
out  of  the  long  open  window  across  the 
little  strip  of  garden,  and  so  through  the 
iron  gate  into  the  shady  back  street. 


[  ^3] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 
SCENE    II. 


IR  Jasper  Standish  halted 
on  the  flags  of  the  Royal 
Crescent  in  front  of  his 
own  door  and  his  face 
darkened.  He  took  a 
pinch  of  snuff. 
"Now!  I  shall  find  my 
lady  in  tears.  What  a  strange  world  it  is! 
The  girl  you  woo  is  as  merry  as  a  May 
day:  the  wife  you  wed  is  like  naught  but 
early  November.  Equinoctial  gales  and 
water  enough  to  drown  the  best  spirits 
that  ever  were  stilled.  'Tis  a  damp  life," 
said  Sir  Jasper,  "  and  a  depressing." 
He  sighed  as  the  door  was  thrown  open  by 
the  footman,  and  crossed  the  hall  into  the 
morning-room,  where  he  had  left  his  lady 
weeping.  He  beheld  a  flowered  brocade,  a 
very  shapely  back,and  a  crisp  powdered  head 
outlined  against  the  window,  and  thought 
he  had  come  upon  a  visitor  unawares. 
"I  crave  ten  thousand  pardons/'  quoth  he, 

[  H  j 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

and  swept  from  his  gallant  head  his  know- 
ing three-cornered  hat.  But  slowly  the  fig- 
ure at  the  window  turned  and  he  saw  his 
wife's  eyes  strangely  brilliant  over  two 
pink  cheeks,  beneath  the  snow  of  her  up- 
piled  hair. 

"Julia!''  said  he  in  amaze,  and  stared  and 
stared  again.  ("And  did  I  doubt  my  own 
taste?"  thought  he  to  himself.  "Why,  she 
is  the  prettiest  woman  in  Bath!")  "Ex- 
pecting visitors,  Julia?"  He  smiled  as  he 
spoke:  in  another  minute  that  arm,  shining 
pearl-like  from  the  hanging  lace  of  her 
sleeve,  would  be  round  his  neck,  and  those 
lips  (how  red  they  were,  and  what  a 
curve!)  would  be  upon  his.  Well,  a  loving 
woman  had  her  uses. 
"  No,"  said  Lady  Standish  to  his  query. 
She  dropped  the  word  with  a  faintly 
scornful  smile,  and  a  dimple  came  and 
went  at  the  corner  of  her  lip.  There  was 
a  patch  just  above  the  dimple.  Then  she 
turned  away  and  looked  forth  into  the  still, 
solemn,  gray  and  green  Crescent  as  before. 

[  ^5  1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Sir  Jasper  stood  bewildered.  Then  he  put 
his  hat  upon  a  table  and  came  up  to  his 
wife  and  placed  his  arm  round  her  waist. 
"  My  sweet  life/'  said  he,  *'  your  gown  is 
vastly  becoming." 

"  Sir  Jasper/'  said  Lady  Standish,  "you  do 
me  proud."  She  slipped  from  his  embrace, 
sketched  a  curtesy,  and  moved  to  the  next 
window. 

Sir  Jasper  passed  his  hand  across  his  brow. 
That  was  Julia,  Julia  his  wife,  sure 
enough;  and  yet,  faith,  it  was  a  woman 
he  did  not  know! 

"  You  are  mightily  interested  in  the  Cres- 
cent," said  he,  with  some  humour. 
My  lady  shrugged  her  shoulders. 
"  I  believe  you  were  vexed  with  me  this 
morning,  love,"  said  he. 
"  I,  vexed?"  said  she.  "  Nay,  why  should 
I  be  vexed?"  and  then  she  tapped  her  foot 
and  looked  at  the  clock.  "  These  servants 
grow  monstrously  unpunctual,"  she  said; 
"  are  we  not  to  dine  to-day?" 
He  glanced  down  at  the  tapping  shoe,  its 
[   ^6] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


little  pointing  toe  and  curving  heel.  'Twas 
a  smart  shoe,  and  boasted  a  diamond 
buckle  in  a  knot  of  rose-coloured  ribbon. 
"  Egad!"  said  he,  "  I  doubt  if  there  is  an- 
other foot  in  Bath  that  could  slip  into 
that  case." 

And  Sir  Jasper  was  a  connoisseur!  His 
opinion  of  himself,  his  faith  in  his  own 
discrimination  (which  had  waned  sadly 
these  last  days)  began  to  rise  again,  not 
disagreeably.  He  smirked.  My  Lady  Stan- 
dish,  who,  after  a  way  that  only  women 
can  practise,  seemed  absorbed  in  the  con- 
templation of  the  empty  Crescent  the 
while  she  was  intent  upon  each  shade  of 
expression  upon  her  husband's  countenance, 
felt  a  sudden  glow  of  confidence  in  her 
own  powers  that  she  had  never  known  be- 
fore. The  game  she  had  started  with  a 
beating  heart  and  a  dry  throat  began  to 
have  a  certain  charm  of  its  own.  Was  it  so 
easy  really?  Was  a  man  so  lightly  swayed? 
There  was  contempt  in  the  thought,  and 
yet  pleasure.   Was  all   a  woman's  loving 

[  17] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


heart  to  count  for  so  little,  and  a  pretty 
gown,  a  new  shoe,  a  coquettish  manner 
for  so  much?  Ah,  there  was  bitterness 
in  that!  But  yet  the  immediate  result  of 
this  new  method:  that  look  in  his  eye, 
that  softening  of  his  lip,  it  was  too  sweet 
to  be  forborne.  Kitty  was  right! 
Sir  Jasper  took  her  hand. 
"  It  wants,"  said  he,  "  full  half  an  hour  to 
dinner-time,  love.  Nay,  do  not  draw  your 
hand  away.  You  are  vexed  with  me.?  I  left 
you  weeping;  'twas  unkind." 
"  Weeping?"  said  Julia,  and  her  heart  flut- 
tered to  her  throat,  so  that  she  could 
hardly  speak,  and  Kitty's  maxims  kept 
dancing  before  her  eyes  as  if  written  in 
letters  of  fire.  "Make  him  jealous — oh,  if 
you  make  him  jealous  you  will  win  the 
rubber  yetJ" 

"If  I  wept,"  said  she,  "must   my  tears 
have  been  for  you?" 

"  How  now?"  said  Sir  Jasper,  and  dropped 
the  little  hand  that  struggled  so  gently  yet 
determinedly  to  be  free. 
[  i8] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"Oh,  dear  me,"  said  Lady  Standish,  "how 
droll  you  men  are!"  She  shrugged  her 
shoulders  and  laughed  affectedly.  Like  all 
budding  actresses,  she  overdid  the  part. 
But  Sir  Jasper  was  too  much  stirred,  too 
much  bewildered,  to  be  critical.  Moreover 
his  armour  was  not  without  vulnerable 
joints,  and  with  a  wanton  word  she  had 
found  one  at  the  first  pass. 
"How  now?"  said  he.  "  Madam,  and  what 
might  that  mean?" 

Lady  Standish  trilled  the  bar  of  a  song, 
and  again  directed  her  attention  to  the 
view. 

"  Julia,"  said  her  husband  in  a  deep  voice. 
"  Julia,"  he  repeated,  with  a  threatening 
growl  of  passion. 

"  Sir?"  she  said,  and  tilted  her  little  head. 
"  Who  then  were  your  tears  for,  if  they 
were  not  for  me?  What  signify  these  man- 
ners? What  do  these  insinuations  mean? 
By  Jupiter,  I  will  have  the  truth!"  His 
face  flushed,  the  veins  on  his  temples 
swelled,  his  nostrils  became  dilated. 

[  ^9] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


Lady  Standish  lifted  the  hanging  lace  of 
her  sleeve  with  one  hand  -and  examined 
it  minutely. 

"  I  would  rather,"  she  said,  and  her  voice 
shook,  "  I  would  rather  you  did  not  ques- 
tion me.  Sir  Jasper."  Then  she  flashed 
upon  him  in  anger,  swift  and  lovely  as  he 
had  never  seen  her  flash  before.  "  You  go 
your  own  way  free  enough,"  she  said. 
"  These  last  three  weeks  you  have  not 
spent  one  evening  in  my  company,  and 
half  your  days  are  given  to  others  of 
whom  I  know  nothing.  Oh,  I  am  not 
complaining,  sir!  I  did  complain,  but  that 
is  over.  I  was  wrong,  for  I  see  adversities 
have  their  advantages."  Here  she  smiled. 
(Had  the  man  but  known  how  near  she 
was  to  tears!)  "Your  neglect  leaves  me 
free." 

"  Free!"  cried  Sir  Jasper,  and  choked. 
"  Free!  Good  heavens,  free!  What  in  the 
name  of  God  do  you  mean?  Free,  madam?" 
"  Sir  Jasper,"  said  Lady  Standish,  looking 
at  him  very   earnestly,    "  you  will  never 

[  20] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


hear  me  ask  again  whose  society  it  is  you 
find  so  much  more  attractive  than  your 
wife's." 

"  Indeed,"  cried  Sir  Jasper,  and  hesitated 
upon  a  gust  of  anger,  at  a  loss  in  which 
direction  to  drive  it  forth. 
"  No,"  said  my  lady,  "  and  I  expect  the 
same  good  taste  from  you.  'Tis  not  too 
much  to  ask.  Indeed,  you  should  rejoice 
if  I  have  found  consolation  for  your 
absence.    " 

He  broke  out  with  a  fearful  oath,  and  al- 
most leaped  upon  her. 
"  Consolation!"  He  plunged  his  hands  into 
his  powdered  hair,  and  quivered  into  si- 
lence for  the  very  impotence  of  words. 
"  I  said  *  if,'  "  said  she.  She  was  surprised 
to  find  how  readily  the  words  came  to 
her;  and  yet  her  hands  were  clammy  with 
fright,  and  her  breath  ran  short  between 
her  rouged  lips.  "  Let  us  leave  it  at  the  *  if.' " 
She  turned  to  the  window  and  leant 
against  it,  drew  her  kerchief  and  fanned 
herself 

[    21    ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


Passing  along  the  railings  opposite  the 
Crescent,  not  twelve  yards  distant,  a  tall, 
slender  young  gentleman  of  attractive  ap- 
pearance, though  very  dark  in  complexion, 
caught  sight  of  her  lovely  glowing  face, 
stared  first  in  unconscious  admiration,  then 
with  recognition,  and  finally,  blushing 
swarthily,  saluted  with  some  appearance 
of  agitation.  Lady  Standish,  aware  that 
her  husband  had  approached  close  behind 
her,  and  hearing  in  every  creak  of  his 
satin  coat  the  flattering  emotion  of  his 
senses,  felt  herself  driven  more  and  more 
by  the  unknown  demon  of  mischief  that 
had  taken  possession  of  her.  She  fluttered 
her  little  handkerchief  back  at  the  young 
gentleman  with  a  gesture  that  almost  in- 
dicated the  wafting  of  a  kiss. 
"  Death  and  damnation!''  cried  Sir  Jasper, 
"  before  my  very  eyes!" 
He  seized  her  by  the  wrist  and  flung  her 
down  upon  the  settee.  "  Nay,"  he  cried, 
"  there  may  be  husbands  that  would  put 
up  with  this,  but  I  am  not  of  them.  So 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

that  is  the  Consoler!  That  is  the  Beau  for 
whom  yo,u  prink  yourself  with  such  fine 
feathers,  whom  you  lie  in  wait  for  at  the 
window  to  make  signals  to  and  smirk  at! 
Oh,  my  innocent  country  daisy!  Faugh!  I 
might  have  known  you  were  too  fond — 
hypocrite!''  He  dashed  at  the  window  and 
burst  its  fastenings. 

"  Hey!  you,  you  my  Lord  Verney,  a  word 
with  you!"  Sir  Jasper  was  already  foaming 
at  the  mouth. 

The  slim  gentleman  paused,  surprised. 
"  Oh,  heavens!"  cried  Lady  Standish, 
"what  have  I  done?  Sir  Jasper!  my  hus- 
band!" She  threw  herself  upon  him.  "  Sir 
Jasper,  what  do  you  suspect?  Oh,  heavens!" 
She  was  half  fainting  and  scarce  could  ar- 
ticulate a  coherent  word.  "  It  was  all  to 
tease  you.  It  was  but  the  sport  of  an  idle 
moment.  Oh,  I  implore  you,  believe  me, 
believe  me!" 

"  Ay,  deny!"  cried  he.  "  Deny  what  I 
have  seen  with  my  own  eyes!  Let  me  go, 
madam."  He  thrust  her  aside,  and  bare- 

[23] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

headed  dashed  down  the  stairs  and  out  of 
the  house  toward  Lord  Verney,  who,  with 
a  bashful,  yet  a  pleasant  smile,  began  to 
retrace  his  steps. 

"'Tis  a  fair  day.  Sir  Jasper,"'  said  he  cour- 
teously, and  then   became  aware    of  Sir 
Jasper's   convulsed  face,  and  noted   that 
Lady  Standish,  whom  but  a  moment  be- 
fore he  had  beheld  all  smiling  beauty,  now 
clung   despairingly    to   the  window-post, 
her  countenance  ghastly  behind  her  rouge. 
Lord  Verney  was  a  shy  young  man. 
"  Ah — ah,  good-morning,"  said  he,  bowed 
politely,  and  turned  with  celerity. 
Sir  Jasper  flung  a  look  of  infinite  derision 
and  contempt  toward  his  wife. 
"You  have  chosen,"  it  seemed  to  say,  "a 
pretty  hare."  Then  he  arrested  the  slim, 
swift  figure  with  an  aggressive  shout: 
"  Stand — stand.  Lord  Verney — Lord  Ver- 
ney— a  word  with  you." 
The  youth  stopped,  wheeled  round,  and: 
"  I  am  at  your  service,"  said  he.  A  certain 
pallor  had  replaced  the  ingenuous  young 

[  24] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

blushes  upon  his  cheek,  but  into  his  eye 
there  sprang  a  fine  spark  of  spirit. 
Sir  Jasper  marched  upon  him,  and  only 
halted  when  his  six  feet  of  sinewy  bulk 
were  within  a  yard  of  the  stripling's  wil- 
lowy shape.  His  hot  red-brown  eyes  shot 
fire  and  fury,  death  and  annihilation  upon 
the  innocent  young  peer.  His  full  lips  en- 
deavoured to  sneer,  but  rage  distorted 
them  to  a  grimace  through  which  his 
white  teeth  shone  forth  ferociously. 
"Come,  come,  we  understand  each  other,'' 
said  he;  "  will  you  walk  with  me?  There 
is  no  time  like  the  present,  and  a  couple 
of  friends  are  easy  to  come  by." 
"  'Tis  vastly  well,"  said  Lord  Verney  with 
an  attempt  at  dignity  that  betrayed  the 
boy  in  every  line  of  him.  Then  all  at  once 
colour  flushed  into  his  face  again  and  his 
rigid  demeanour  was  broken  up.  "  Come, 
devil  take  it  all.  Sir  Jasper,"  said  he,  "and 
what  is  it  about?" 

Sir  Jasper  threw  bloodshot  eyes  upward. 
"  This    fellow,"  quoth  he,  appealing   to 

[25  1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDYj; 

heaven — "  oh!     this   pretty    fellow!   You 
want  reasons,  my  Lord  Verney?'* 
Lord  Verney  blushed  and  stammered.  Gad, 
he'd  like  to  know  what  he  had  done.  He 
was  at  Sir  Jasper's  disposition,  of  course, 

but  before  drawing  swords  on  a  man 

Sir  Jasper  uttered  a  sound  which  was  be- 
tween a  groan  and  a  roar.  He  indicated 
with  sweeping  gesture  the  figure  of  Lady 
Standish  strained  in  anguish  watching,cling- 
ing  still  to  the  window-post.  Then  he  hissed: 
"  I  know!" 
"  Sir  Jasper!" 

"  I  know,  I  tell  you,"  repeated  Sir  Jasper, 
"  let  that  suffice." 

"  Good  heavens,"  gasped  Lord  Verney, 
"  here  is  some  most  grievous  mistake!  Do 
you  mean,  sir — am  I  to  understand.  Sir 
Jasper — ?  'Tis  monstrous."  White  dismay 
and  crimson  confusion  chased  each  other 
across  his  candid  brow.  "  Surely  you  do 
not  mean  me  to  understand  that  Lady 
Standish  has  any  connection  with  this  ex- 
traordinary scene?" 

1 26] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^: 

Sir  Jasper's  trembling  hand  was  furiously- 
uplifted,  then  blindly  sought  his  sword- 
hilt,  and  then  dropped  in  impotent  dis- 
gust at  his  side. 

"  My  lord,'*  said  he,  "  Lady  Standish  is 
the  pearl  of  womanhood,  I  would  have 
you  know  it!  There  never  breathed  a  fe- 
male more  virtuously  attached  to  her  hus- 
band and  her  duty — I  would  have  you 
know  it!''  His  face  was  quite  horrible  to 
look    at   in   its  withering  sarcasm.  "  My 

quarrel  with  you,  sir,  is "  He  paused 

and  cast  a  roving  eye  upon  the  young 
gentleman,  who  now  began  to  show  un- 
equivocal signs  of  fear.  A  jealous  husband, 
a  contingency  that  may  have  to  be  met 
any  day — but  a  raving  maniac! 
"  'Tis  the  shape  of  your  leg  that  mis- 
pleases  me,  sir.  You  have  a  vile  calf,  I  can 
not  endure  that  so  offensive  an  outline 
should  pass  and  repass  my  windows." 
"  I  understand.  Sir  Jasper,  yes,  yes,"  said 
Lord  Verney  soothingly,  backing  as  he 
spoke  and  casting  nervous  eyes  round  the 

[27] 


jTHE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

empty  street.    "  And  so,  good-morning." 
He  bowed  and  turned. 
"  Rat!''  cried  Sir  Jasper,  and  shot  forth  a 
clutching  hand. 

"  I  will  bear  it  in  mind,"  cried  Lord  Ver- 
ney.  "Good-morning,  good-morning!" 
He  was  fleeing  away  on  a  swift  foot. 
"Rat!  Rat!"  screamed  the  enraged  baro- 
net, starting  in  pursuit.  But  his  passion 
made  him  clumsy.  He  stumbled,  lurched, 
struck  his  foot  against  a  stone,  fell  upon 
his  knee  and  rose  in  another  mood:  one 
of  darkling,  sullen  determination  for 
revenge. 

Lord  Verney  was  a  timid  young  man. 
Had  it  been  with  anyone  else  that  this 
scene  in  the  Royal  Crescent  had  taken 
place,  all  Bath  would  have  known  within 
the  hour  that  Sir  Jasper  Standish  had  been 
seized  with  sudden  lunacy.  But  Lord  Ver- 
ney was  of  those  who  turn  a  word  over 
three  times  before  they  speak  and  then 
say  something  else.  Moreover,  he  was  not 
sure  that  he    himself  had  cut  a  brilliant 

[28] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

figure  in  the  amazing  duologue,  so  he 
held  his  tongue  upon  it. 
As  the  day  grew,  however,  he  began  to 
have  a  curious  recollection  of  Lady  Stan- 
dish's  lovely  smiling  greeting  and  of  that 
little  gesture  with  the  white  handkerchief, 
which  had  almost  seemed  like  the  blow- 
ing of  a  kiss  (here  his  very  ears  would 
grow  hot),  then  of  Sir  Jasper's  inexplica- 
ble wrath,  and  of  the  stricken  figure  by 
the  window!  Could  it  be?  'Twas  impossi- 
ble! Nay,  but  such  things  had  been. 
When  the  dusk  fell  he  made  up  his  mind 
and  sought  the  counsels  of  that  fashiona- 
ble friend  who  was  kind  enough  to  pilot 
his  inexperience  through  the  first  shoals 
and  rocks  of  Bath  life.  This  gentleman's 
name  was  Spicer.  He  called  himself  Cap- 
tain: of  what  regiment  no  one  knew. 


[29  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 
SCENE  III. 


M 

1 

3 

I@ff^'^l>»^\ 

IR  JASPER  came  strid- 
ing back  to  the  house. 
In  the  morning-room 
he  passed  his  wife  with- 
out a  word. 

"Sir  Jasper,"  quoth  she, 
and  shot  out  a  timid 
hand,  "  oh.  Sir  Jasper,-  will  you  not  listen 
to  me?  This  is  the  most  terrible  mistake. 
Sir  Jasper,  I  swear  I  am  true  to  you,  not 
only  in  deed,  but  in  every  inmost  thought." 
"  Do  not  swear,  madam,"  said  he,  and 
shut  the  door  in  her  face. 
Ten  minutes  later  he  sallied  forth  again. 
She  heard  his  steps  ring  out:  they  sounded 
very  desperate.  She  sat  on  the  pink-striped 
settee  in  a  misery  too  deep  this  time  for 
tears.  How  puerile,  how  far  away,  seemed 
the  morning's  storm!  She  sat  with  her 
hands  locked  and  her  eyes  starting,  revolv- 
ing terrible  possibilities  and  fruitless  plans 
for  preventing  them.  Dinner  was  served 

[  30] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

in  vain.  Her  ladyship's  woman  brought 
her  a  dish  of  tea.  This  poor  Julia  drank, 
for  she  felt  faint  and  weary.  Then  a  sud- 
den thought  struck  her. 
"  'Tis  Mistress  Bellairs  who  made  the 
mischief,"  she  thought,  "  now  she  must 
mend  it."  She  dashed  off  a  despairing 
note  to  the  lady  and  dispatched  her  black 
page  with  all  possible  celerity. 

**  I  have  followed  your  advice/*  ran  the  quivering  lines,  "  to 
my  undoing.  You  told  me  to  make  Su-  Jasper  jealous;  I  tried 
to  make  him  jealous,  and  succeeded  far  too  v^ell.  He  fancies 
there  is  something  betw^een  me  and  Lord  Vemey.  Poor  young 
man,  I  have  spoken  to  him  but  three  times  in  my  life !  There 
will  be  a  duel  and  they  will  both  be  killed.  Come  to  me,  dear 
Mistress  Bellairs,  and  see  what  is  to  be  done,  for  I  am  half 
dead  with  fear  and  anguish.*' 

The  dusk  was  falling  when,  with  incred- 
ible celerity,  the  sedan-chair  of  Mistress 
Bellairs  rounded  the  corner  at  a  swinging 
pace;  her  bell-like  voice  might  be  heard 
from  within  rating  the  chairmen  with  no 
gentle  tone  for  their  sluggishness. 
"  'Tis  snails  ye  are — snails,  not  men.  La! 
is  there  one  of  you  that  is  not  a  great- 

[3«   ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

grandfather?  It  is  not,  I  would  have  you 
know,  a  coffin  that  you  are  carrying,  but 
a  chairo  Oh,  Gad,  deliver  me  from  such 
lazy  scoundrels!" 

In  a  storm  she  burst  open  the  door;  in  a 
whirlwind  tore  through  the  passage.  Lady 
Standish's  obsequious  footmen  she  flounced 
upon  one  side.  Into  that  afflicted  lady's  pres- 
ence she  burst  with  undiminished  vigour. 
*^  So,''  said  she,  "  these  are  fine  goings  on! 
And  why  Lord  Verney,  may  I  inquire?" 
"  Oh,  Mistress  Bellairs,"  ejaculated  her 
friend,  with  a  wail,  "  'tis  indeed  terrible. 
Think  of  Sir  Jasper's  danger,  and  all  be- 
cause of  my  folly  in  listening  to  your 
pernicious  advice!" 

"  My  advice!"  cried  Mistress  Kitty.  "  My 
advice — this  is  pretty  hearing!  Here, 
where  is  that  woman  of  yours,  and  where 
are  those  stuffed  owls  you  keep  in  the 
hall?  What  is  the  use  of  them,  if  they  do 
not  do  their  business?  Light  up,  light  up 
— who  can  speak  in  the  dark?"  She  ran 
from  one  door  to  another,  calling. 

[32] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"Oh,  dear!"  sighed  Lady  Standish,  and 
leant  her  distraught  head  against  the 
cushions. 

"  Come,  come,"  cried  Mistress  Bellairs, 
heedless  of  the  presence  of  footmen  with 
tapers,  and  lady's-maid  with  twinkling 
curl  paper.  "  Sit  up  this  minute,  Julia, 
and  tell  me  the  whole  from  the  beginning. 
It  is  no  use  your  trying  to  extenuate,  for 
I  will  know  all  that  has  happened." 
But  before  her  friend,  whose  back  was  be- 
ginning to  stiffen  under  -this  treatment, 
had  had  time  to  collect  her  thoughts  suf- 
ficiently for  a  dignified  reply.  Mistress 
Kitty  herself  proceeded  with  great  volu- 
bility: 

"  And  so,  madam,  not  content  with  hav- 
ing a  new  young  husband  of  your  own, 
you  must  fix  upon  Lord  Verney  for  your 
maneuvers.  Why,  he  has  never  so  much 
as  blinked  the  same  side  of  the  room  as 
you.  Why,  it  was  but  yester-night  he 
vowed  he  hardly  knew  if  you  were  tall 
or  shorto   Put  that  out  of  your  head,  my 

[  33  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


Lady  Standish,  Lord  Verney  is  not  for  you. 
Oh,  these  country  girls!'* 
Lady  Standish  rose,  quivering  with  rage. 
**  Be  silent,  madam,'*  she  said,  "your 
words  have  neither  sense  nor  truth.  I  was 
ill-advised  enough  to  listen  to  your  un- 
womanly counsels.  I  tried  to  deceive  my 
husband  and  God  has  punished  me.'* 
"  Ah,'*  said  Mistress  Kitty,  ''  deceit  is  a 
very  grievous  sin.  I  wonder  at  you,  that 
you  must  fix  upon  Lord  Verney.  Oh, 
Julia!"  here  her  voice  grew  melting  and 
her  large  brown  eyes  suffused.  "  You  had 
all  Bath,"  she  said,  "  and  you  must  fix 
upon  Lord  Verney.  The  one  man  I  thought 
the  one  man  I  could  have 
Oh,  how  did  you  dare?  Nay!  It  is 
a  blind,"  she  cried,  flaming  again  into  in- 
dignation and  catching  her  friend  by  the 
wrist.  "There  was  more  in  your  game 
than  you  pretend,  you  sly  and  silken  hypo- 
crite! If  he  is  killed,  how  will  you  feel 
then?" 
"  Oh,"  exclaimed  Lady  Standish,  "  cruel 

[  34] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


woman!  Is  this  your  help?  Sir  Jasper 
killed!" 

"Sir  Jasper?  Sir  Fiddle!*'  cried  Mistress 
Kitty,  with  a  fine  scorn.  "  Who  cares  for 
Sir  Jasper?  'Tis  my  Harry  I  think  of.  Oh, 
oh!*'  cried  the  widow,  and  burst  into  tears. 
Lady  Standish  stood  confounded. 
"WJiat!"  cried  she,  ^' you  love  Lord 
Verney?" 

"  'Tis  the  only  man  of  them,"  sobbed 
Kitty,  "  who  does  not  pester  me  with  his 
devotion — the  only  one  who  does  not 
come  to  my  call  like  a  lap-dog.  If  I  look 
at  him,  he  blushes  for  bashfulness,  and 
not  for  love;  if  his  hand  shakes,  it  is  be- 
cause he  is  so  sweetly  timid,  not  because 
my  touch  thrills  him.  I  had  set  my  heart," 
said  Mistress  Kitty  through  her  clenched 
teeth — "  I  had  set  my  heart  upon  Lord 
Verney,  and  now  you  must  needs  have  him 
ki — ki — killed  before  I  have  even  had 
time  to  makehim  see  the  colourof  my  eyes." 
"Oh,  oh!"  sighed  Julia  Standish,  still  be- 
yond tears, 

[  35  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

And: 

"  Oh!"  sobbed  Kitty  Bellairs,  quite  forget- 
ful of  red  noses  and  swollen  lids. 
There  was  a  silence,  broken  only  by  the 
sobs  of  the  widow  and   the  sighs    of  the 
wife. 

Then  said  Mistress  Kitty,  in  a  small,  stran- 
gled voice:  "  Let  this  be  a  lesson  to  you 
never  to  deceive." 

"  I  never  told  a  single  lie  before,"  moaned 
Lady  Standish. 

"  Ah!"  said  Kitty,  "  there  never  was  a 
single  lie,  madam.  A  lie  is  wed  as  soon  as 
born,  and  its  progeny  exceeds  that  of 
Abraham." 

The  two  women  rose  from  their  despair- 
ing postures,  and,  mutually  pushed  by  the 
same  impulse,  approached  each  other. 
"What  is   to   be  done   now?"  said  Lady 
Standish. 

"What  is  to  be  done?"  said  Mistress 
Bellairs. 

"  Let  us  seek  Sir  Jasper,"  said  his  wife, 
"  and  tell  the  whole  truth." 

[  36 1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Kitty,  through  wet  eyelashes,  shot  a  glance 
of  withering  scorn  upon  her  friend. 
**Ay,"  she  said  sarcastically,  "that  would 
be  useful  truly.  Why,  child,  let  you  and  I 
but  go  and  swear  your  innocence  to  Sir 
Jasper,  and  'twill  be  enough  to  establish 
you  steeped  in  guilt  in  the  eyes  of  every 
sensible  person  for  the  rest  of  your  life. 
No,"  said  she,  "  better  must  be  thought 
of  than  that.  We  must  act  midwife  to  the 
lie  and  start  the  little  family  as  soon  as 
possible.*' 

"  I  will  lie  no  more,"  said  Lady  Standish. 
"  I  am  told,"  said    Mistress   Kitty    mus- 
ingly,   "  that    Lord    Verney    has    learnt 
swordsmanship  abroad." 
"  Oh,  cruel!"  moaned  the  other. 
Mistress  Kitty  paused,  bit  a  taper  finger, 
scratched   an    arch   eyebrow,  drew  white 
brows  together,  pondered  deeply.  Suddenly 
her  dimples  peeped  again. 
"  I  have  it!"  said  she.  "  'Tis  as  easy  as  can 
be.  Will  you  leave  it  to  me?" 
Lady  Standish  began  to  tremble.  She  had 

I  37  1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

wept  much,  she  had  not  eaten,  her  heart 
was  full  of  terror.  Faintness  she  felt  creep 
upon  her. 

"  What  will  you  do?"  she  said,  grasping 
after  the  vanishing  powers  of  reflection 
with  all  her  failing  strength. 
"  Do?''  said  Mistress  Bellairs.  "  First  of 
all,  prevent  the  duel.  Will  that  serve  you?" 
"  Oh,  yes,"  cried  Julia,  and  grew  livid  be- 
hind her  rouge. 

**  She  has  got  the  vapours  again,"  thought 
the  other.  ''  What  a  poor  weak  fool  it 
isJ" 

But  these  vapours  came  in  handy  to  her 
plans;  she  was  not  keen  to  restore  Lady 
Standish  too  promptly.  She  called  her 
woman,  however,  and  helped  her  to  con- 
vey the  sufferer  to  her  room  and  lay  her 
on  the  couch;  then  she  advised  sal  volatile 
and  sleep. 

"  Leave  it  all  to  me,"  she  murmured  into 
the  little  ear  uppermost  upon  the  pillow; 
"  I  will  save  you." 
Lady   Standish    groped   for    her    friend's 

L  38] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^! 

hand  with  her  own  that  was  cold  and 
shaking.  The  ladies  exchanged  a  clasp  of 
confidence,  and  Mistress  Bellairs  tripped 
down  to  the  drawing-room. 
"  Now/'  said  she  to  herself,  "  let  us  see." 
Sudden  inspiration  sparkled  in  her  eye. 
She  plunged  her  hand  into  the  depth  of 
the  brocade  pocket  dangling  at  her  side, 
drew  forth  sundry  letters,  and  began  to  se- 
lect with  pursed  lips.  There  was  Sir  Jas- 
per's own.  Those  gallant,  well-turned 
lines,  that  might  mean  all  or  nothing,  as 
a  woman  might  choose  to  take  them — 
that  was  of  no  use  for  the  present.  Back 
it  went  into  the  brocade  pocket.  There 
was  a  scrawl  from  Harry  Verney,  declin- 
ing her  invitation  to  a  breakfast  party  be- 
cause he  had  promised  (with  two  m's) 
my  Lord  Scroop  to  shoot  (with  a  u  and 
an  e).  Kitty  Bellairs  looked  at  it  very  ten- 
derly, folded  it  with  a  loving  touch,  and 
'  replaced  it  in  its  nest.  Here  was  a  large 
folded  sheet,  unaddressed,  filled  inside  with 
bold  black  writing.   A  crisp  auburn  curl 

[  39] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

was  fastened  across  the  sheet  by  an  eme- 
rald-headed pin. 

"Most  cruel,  most  beautiful,  most  kind!**  were  its  ardent 
words,  "most  desired,  most  beloved!  Was  it  last  night  or  a 
hundred  years  ago  that  we  met?  This  is  the  lock  of  hair  the 
loveliest  hand  in  all  the  world  deigned  to  caress.  It  became 
upon  that  moment  far  too  precious  a  thing  for  its  poor  owner. 
He  ventures,  therefore,  to  offer  it  at  the  shrine  of  the  goddess 
who  consecrated  it.  Will  she  cast  it  from  her?  Or  will  she 
keep  it,  and  let  it  speak  to  her,  every  hair  a  tongue,  of  the 
burning  flame  of  love  that  she  has  kindled  in  this  mortal  breast? 
Did  I  dream,  or  can  it  be  true? — there  was  a  patch  above  the 
dimple  at  the  comer  of  your  lip.  I  kissed  it.  Oh,  it  must  have 
been  a  dream !  One  word,  fairest: — When  may  I  dream  again? 

**  Your  own  and  ever  your  own. 
"  P.  S. — The  lock  was  white  before  you  touched  it,  but  you 
see  you  have  turned  it  to  fire!'* 

Mistress  Kitty  read  and  smiled.  "  The  very 
thing!"  Then  she  paused.  "  But  has  the 
woman  a  dimple?''  said  she.  "  Has  she? 
Never  mind,  something  must  be  risked. 
Now,  if  I  know  men.  Sir  Jasper  will 
spend  the  whole  night  prowling  about, 
trying  to  discover  confirmation  of  his 
suspicions." 

The  letter  was  folded  up.  "  It  must  seem 
as    if  dropped    from    my    lady's    bosom. 

[40] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Here,  at  the  foot  of  the  sofa,  just  peeping 
from  behind  the  footstool!  A  jealous  eye 
cannot  miss  it!" 
The  deed  was  done. 

She  caught  up  her  cloak  and  hood,  glanced 
cheerfully  round  the  room,  satisfied  her- 
self that  the  letter  showed  itself  suffi- 
ciently in  the  candle-light  to  attract  a 
roving  eye,  and,  bustling  forth,  summoned 
her  chair  for  her  departure  in  a  far  better 
humour  than  that  which  had  marked  her 
arrival. 

"  They  could  not  fight  till  morning,*'  she 
said  to  herself,  as  she  snuggled  against  the 
silken  sides.  "  Now  heaven  speed  my 
plan!''  She  breathed  a  pious  prayer  as  her 
bearers  swung  her  onward. 


[41  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 

SCENE  IF. 


1 

F 

1 

^ 

^^aL 

l»^ 

OR  the  first  time  for  over 
a  fortnight  Sir  Jasper  re- 
turned to  the  very  fine 
mansion  he  had  taken  for 
the  Bath  season,  before 
the  small  hours. 
It  vi^as  about  ten  o'clock 
of  the  evening  that  his  impatient  hand 
upon  the  knocker  sent  thunder  through 
the  house,  startled  the  gambling  footmen 
in  the  hall  below  and  the  fat  butler  from 
his  comfortable  nook  at  the  housekeeper's 
fireside  and  his  fragrant  glass  of  punch. 
The  nerves  of  the  elder  footman  were  in- 
deed so  shaken  that  he  dropped  an  ace 
from  his  wide  cuff  as  he  swung  back  the 
door.  Breathing  hot  lemon-peel,  the  butler 
hurried  to  receive  his  master's  cloak  and 
cane.  The  ribbons  of  Mistress  Tremlet's 
cap  quivered  over  the  staircase:  the  whole 
household  was  agog  with  curiosity,  for 
her  ladyship's  woman  had  told  them  to  a 

[42] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

tear  the  state  of  her  ladyship's  feelings. 
Sir  Jasper  cursed  freely  as  he  entered, 
struck  the  younger  footman  with  his  cane 
over  the  calves  for  gaping,  requested  a  just 
Creator  to  dispose  of  his  butler's  soul  with  . 
all  possible  celerity,  and  himself  obligingly 
suggested  the  particular  temperature  most 
suitable  to  it;  then  strode  he  to  the  draw- 
ing-room with  the  brief  announcement 
that  he  expected  the  visit  of  some 
gentlemen. 

He  looked  round  scowlingly  for  his  wife. 
The  room  was  empty  and  desolate  in  spite 
of  bright  chandeliers.  He  paused  with  a 
frowning  brow,  stood  a  moment  irresolute, 
then  shaped  his  course  for  the  stairs  and 
mounted  with  determined  foot.  In  my 
lady's  dressing-room,  by  one  dismal  candle, 
sat  her  woman,  reading  a  book  of  ser- 
mons. She  had  a  long  pink  face,  had  been 
her  ladyship's  mother's  own  attendant,  and 
much  Sir  Jasper  hated  her.  She  rose  bris- 
tling, dropped  him  a  curtesy  eloquent  of 
a  sense  of  his  reprobation;  and  he  felt  that 

[  43  ]■ 


^THE  BATH   COMEDY^ 

with  every  line  of  the  homily  she  laid  by 
on  his  appearance  she  had  just  damned 
him  as  comfortably  as  he  the  butler. 
Oh,  Lud,  Lud!  (thus  she  prayed  Sir  Jasper 
in  a  frightful  whisper)  would  he  in  mercy 
walk  softer?  My  lady  was  asleep.  Her  lady- 
ship had  been  so  unwell,  so  indisposed, 
that  she.  Megrim,  had  seen  the  moment 
when  she  must  send  for  the  apothecary, 
and  have  Sir  Jasper  looked  for  all  over 
Bath.  Sir  Jasper  did  not  seem  to  realize 
it,  but  my  lady  was  of  a  delicate  complex- 
ion: a  tender  flower!  A  harsh  look  from 
Sir  Jasper,  an  unkind  word,  much  less 
cruel  treatment,  and  she  would  slip  through 
his  fingers.  Ay,  that  she  would! 
Sir  Jasper  cast  a  lowering  suspicious  look 
around.  He.  glared  at  the  woman,  at  the 
corners  of  the  room,  at  the  closed  door. 
He  felt  his  hot  jealousy  sicken  and  turn 
green  and  yellow  within  him.  He  stretched 
out  his  hand  toward  the  lock  of  his  wife's 
door;  but  Mistress  Megrim  came  between 
him  and    his    purpose    with    determined 

[  44] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

movement,  her  stout  bust  creaking  in  its 
tight  stays. 

"  No,"  said  she,  "no.  Sir  Jasper,  unless  it 
be  across  my  dead  corpse!*'  Here  she  trem- 
bled very  much  and  grew^  red  about  the 
eyes  and  nose. 

"Pshaw!''  said  Sir  Jasper,  and  walked 
away,  down  the  stairs  again  and  into  the 
empty,  lighted  drawing-room.  First  he 
halted  by  the  window,  where  Lady  Stan- 
dish  had  stood  and  smiled  upon  Lord 
Verney.  Then  he  went  to  her  writing- 
desk,  and  laid  his  hand  upon  the  casket 
where  she  kept  her  correspondence,  then 
withdrawing  it  with  a  murmured  curse, 
turned  to  the  chair  where  she  sat,  and 
lifted  up  her  bag  of  silks.  But  this  he 
tossed  from  him  without  drawing  the 
strings.  Another  moment  and  his  eye 
caught  the  gleam  of  the  letter  so  artfully 
hidden  and  exposed  by  Mistress  Bellairs. 
He  picked  it  up  and  surveyed  it;  it  bore 
no  address,  was  vaguely  perfumed,  and  fell 
temptingly  open   to  his  hand.  He  spread 

[45] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

the  sheet  and  saw  the  ruddy  curl.  Then 
his  eyes  read  in  spite  of  himself.  And  as 
he  read  the  blood  rushed  to  his  brain  and 
turned  him  giddy,  and  he  sank  on  the  set- 
tee and  tore  at  the  ruffles  at  his  neck.  For 
a  moment  he  suffocated.  With  recovered 
breath  came  a  fury  as  voluptuous  as  a  rap- 
ture. He  brought  the  paper  to  the  light 
and  examined  the  love-lock. 
"  Red!"  said  he,  "  red!" 
He  thought  of  Lord  Verney's  olive  face, 
and  looked  and  glared  at  the  hair  again 
as  if  he  disbelieved  his  senses.  Red!  Were 
there  two  of  them,  a  black  and  a  ruddy? 
Stay;  oh!  women  were  sly  devils!  Lord 
Verney  was  a  blind.  This,  this  carrot  Judas 
was  the  consoler!  **  There  was  a  patch 
above  the  dimple  at  the  corner  of  your  lip. 
I  dreamed  I  kissed  it."  Sir  Jasper  gave  a 
sort  of  roar  in  his  soul,  which  issued  from 
his  lips  in  a  broken  groan.  The  dimple 
and  the  patch!  Ay,  he  had  seen  them! 
Only  a  few  short  hours  ago  he  had  thought 
to  kiss  that  dimple  with  a  husband's  lordly 

[46] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


pleasure.    That  dimple,   set    for    another 
man! 

"Blast  them!  blast  them!''  cried  Sir  Jas- 
per, and  clenched  his  hands  above  his  head. 
The  world  went  round  with  him,  and  ev- 
erything turned  the  colour  of  blood.  The 
next  instant  he  was  cold  again,  chiding 
himself  for  his  passion.  He  must  be  calm, 
calm,  for  his  vengeance.  This  lock  he 
must  trace  to  its  parent  head,  no  later  than 
to-night,  if  he  had  to  scour  the  town.  He 
sat  down,  stretched  the  fatal  missive  before 
him,  and  sat  staring  at  it. 
It  was  thus  that  a  visitor,  who  was  an- 
nounced as  Captain  Spicer,  presently  found 
him.  Captain  Spicer  was  an  elongated 
young  gentleman,  with  a  tendency  to  stra- 
bism,  attired  in  the  extreme  of  fashion. 
He  minced  forward,  bowing  and  waving 
white  hands  with  delicately  crooked 
fingers. 

His  respects  he  presented  to  Sir  Jasper. 
He  had  not  up  to  this  had  the  pleasure 
and  honour  of  Sir  Jasper's  acquaintance, 

[47] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


but  was  charmed  of  the  opportunity — any 
opportunity  which  should  afford  him  that 
pleasure  and  honour.  Might  he,  might  he? 
He  extended  a  snuff-box,  charmingly  en- 
amelled, and  quivered  it  toward  his  host. 
Sir  Jasper  had  risen  stiffly;  in  his  dull  eye 
there  was  no  response. 
"You  do  not,  then?"  queried  Captain  Spi- 
cer,  himself  extracting  a  pinch  and  inhal- 
ing it  with  superlative  elegance  and  the 
very  last  turn  of  the  wrist.  "And  right, 
my  dear  sir!  A  vicious  habit.  Yet  posi- 
tively," said  he,  and  smiled  engagingly, 
"  without  it,  I  vow,  I  could  not  exist  from 
noon  to  midnight.  But  then  it  must  be 
pure  Macabaw.  Anything  short  of  pure 
Macabaw,  fie,  fie!" 

Sir  Jasper  shook  himself,  and  interrupted 
with  a  snarl: 

"To  what,  sir,  do  I  owe  the  honour?" 
"I  come,"  said  Captain  Spicer,  "of  course 
you  have  guessed,  from  my  Lord  Verney. 
There  was  a  trifle,  I  believe,  about — ha — 
the  shape  of  his  nether  limbs.   Upon  so 

[48] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

private  a  matter,  sir,  as  his — ahem — nether 
limbs,  a  gentleman  cannot  brook  reflection. 
You  will  comprehend  that  my  LorcFVer- 
ney  felt  hurt,  Sir  Jasper,  hurt!  I  myself, 
familiar  as  I  am  with  his  lordship,  have 
never  ventured  to  hint  to  him  even  the 
name  of  a  hosier,  though  I  know  a  genius 
in  that  line,  sir.  a  fellow  who  has  a  gift — 
a  divine  inspiration,  I  may  say — in  deal- 
ing with  these  intimate  details.  But  Gad, 
sir,  delicacy,  delicacy!" 
Sir  Jasper,  meanwhile,  had  lifted  the  let- 
ter from  the  table,  and  was  advancing 
upon  Captain  Spicer,  ponderingly  looking 
from  the  lock  of  hair  in  his  hand  to  that 
young  gentleman's  head,  which  however 
was  powdered  to  such  a  nicety  that  it  was 
quite  impossible  to  tell  the  colour  beneath. 
"Sir,"  interrupted  he  at  this  juncture, 
"  excuse  me,  but  I  should  be  glad  to  know 
if  you  wear  your  hair  or  a  wig?" 
Captain  Spicer  leaped  a  step  back,  and 
looked  in  amaze  at  the  baronet's  earnest 
countenance. 

[49] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 


"Egad!"  he  thought  to  himself,  "Ver- 
ney's  in  the  right  of  it,  the  fellow's  mad. 
Ha!  ha!''  said  he  aloud,  "  very  good.  Sir 
Jasper,  very  good.  A  little  conundrum,  eh? 
'Rat  me,  I  love  a  riddle."  He  glanced  to- 
ward the  door.  Sir  Jasper  still  advanced 
upon  him  as  he  retreated. 
"  I  asked  you,  sir,"  he  demanded,  with  an 
ominous  rise  in  his  voice,  "  if  you  wore 
your  own  hair?"  ("  The  fellow  looks 
frightened,"  he  argued  internally,  **  'tis 
monstrous  suspicious!") 
"  I,"  cried  the  Captain,  with  his  back 
against  the  door,  fumbling  for  the  handle 
as  he  stood.  "  Fie,  fie,  who  wears  a  peruke 
nowadays,  unless  it  be  your  country  cousin? 
He,  he!  How  warm  the  night  is!" 
Sir  Jasper  had  halted  opposite  to  him  and 
was  rolling  a  withering  eye  over  his 
countenance. 

"  His  mealy  face  is  so  painted,"  said  the 
unhappy  baronet  to  himself,  "  that  devil 
take  him  if  I  can  guess  the  colour  of  the 
fellow."  His  hand  dropped  irresolute  by 

[50] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^i 

his  side.  Beads  of  perspiration  sprang  on 
Captain  Spicer's  forehead. 
"  If  ever  I  carry  a  challenge  to  a  madman 
again!'*  thought  he. 

"  Your  hair  is  very  well  powdered/'  said 
Sir  Jasper. 

"  Oh,  it  is  so,  it  is  as  you  say — Poudre  a 
la  Marechaky  sir,'*  said  the  Captain,  while 
under  his  persevering  finger  the  door- 
handle slowly  turned.  An  aperture  yawned 
behind  him;  in  a  twinkling  his  slim  figure 
twisted,  doubled,  and  was  gone. 
"Hey,  hey!*'  cried  Sir  Jasper,  "  stop,  man, 
stop!  Our  business  together  has  but  just 
begun." 

But  Captain  Spicer  had  reached  the  street 
door. 

"  Look  to  your   master,"  said  he  to  the 
footman,  "he  is  ill,  very  ill!" 
Sir  Jasper  came  running  after  him  into 
the  hall. 

"  Stop  him,  fools!"  cried  he  to  his  ser- 
vants, and  then  in  the  next  breath, 
"  Back!"  he  ordered.  And  to  himself  he 

[51  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

murmured,  "'Tis  never  he.  That  sleek, 
fluttering  idiot  never  grew  so  crisp  a  curl, 
nor  wrote  so  sturdy  a  hand;  no,  nor  kissed 
a  dimple!  Kissed  a  dimple!  S'death!" 


[52] 


i 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE    V. 


1 

1 

^^^ 

S  he  stood  turning  the 
seething  brew  of  his 
dark  thoughts,  there 
came  a  pair  of  knowing 
raps  upon  the  street  door, 
and  in  upon  him  strode 
with  cheery  step  and  cry 
the  friends  he  was  expecting. 
"  Ah,  Jasper,  lad,"  cried  Tom  Stafford, 
and  struck  him  upon  his  shoulder,  "  lying 
in  wait  for  us?  Gad,  youVe  a  bloodthirsty 
fellow!" 

"  And  quite  right,"  said  Colonel  Villiers, 
clinking  spurred  legs,  and  flinging  off  a 
military  cloako  "  Zounds,  man,  would  you 
have  him  sit  down  in  his  dishonour?" 
Sir  Jasper  stretched  a  hand  to  each;  and, 
holding  him  by  the  elbows,  they  entered 
his  private  apartment,  and  closed  the  door 
with  such  carefulness  that  the  tall  footmen 
had  no  choice  but  to  take  it  in  turns  to 
listen  and  peep  through  the  keyhole. 

[  53  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"Tom,"  said  Sir  Jasper, ''  Colonel  Villiers, 
when  I  begged  you  to  favour  me  with 
this  interview,  I  was  anxious  for  your  ser- 
vices because,  as  I  told  you,  of  a  strong 
suspicion  of  Lady  Standish*s  infidelity  to 
me.  Now,  gentlemen,  doubt  is  no  longer 
possible;  I  have  the  proofs!'* 
"  Come,  come,  Jasper,  never  be  down- 
hearted,'' cried  jovial  Tom  Stafford. 
"  Come,  sir,  you  have  been  too  fond  of 
the  little  dears  in  your  day  not  to  know 
what  tender,  yielding  creatures  they  are. 
'Tis  their  nature,  man;  and  then,  must 
they  not  follow  the  mode?  Do  you  want 
to  be  the  only  husband  in  Bath  whose 
wife  is  not  in  the  fashion?  Tut,  tut,  so 
long  as  you  can  measure  a  sword  for  it  and 
let  a  little  blood,  why,  'tis  all  in  the  day's 
fun!" 

"Swords?"  gurgled  Colonel  Villiers.  "  No, 
no,  pistols  are  the  thing,  boy.  You  are 
never  sure  with  your  sword:  'tis  but  a  dig 
in  the  ribs,  a  slash  in  the  arm,  and  your 
pretty  fellow  looks  all  the  prettier  for  his 

[  54] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


pallor,  and  is  all  the  more  likely  to  get 
prompt  consolation  in  the  proper  quarter. 
Ha!" 

"  Consolation!"  cried  Sir  Jasper,  as  if  the 
word  were  a  blow.  "  Ay,  consolation! 
damnation!" 

"Whereas  with  your  bullet,"  said  the 
Colonel,  "  in  the  lungs,  or  in  the  brain — 
at  your  choice — the  job  is  done  as  neat  as 
can  be.  Are  you  a  good  hand  at  the  bark- 
ers, Jasper?" 

"  Oh,  I  can  hit  a  haystack!"  said  Sir  Jas- 
per. But  he  spoke  vaguely. 
"  I  am  for  the  swords,  whenever  you  can," 
cried  comely  Stafford,  crossing  a  pair  of 
neat  legs  as  he  spoke  and  caressing  one 
rounded  calf  with  a  loving  hand.  ''  'Tis  a 
far  more  genteel  weapon.  Oh,  for  the  feel 
of  the  blades,  the  pretty  talk,  as  it  were, 
of  one  with  the  other!  *  Ha,  have  I  got 
you  now,  my  friend?' — 'Ha,  would  you 
step  between  me  and  my  wife?  or  my  mis- 
tress? or  my  pleasure?' — as  the  case  may 
be.  *  Would  you?  I  will  teach  you,  sa — sa!' 

[55] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


Now — now  one  in  the  ribs!  One  under 
that  presuming  heart!  Let  the  red  blood 
flow,  see  it  drop  from  the  steeh  that  is 
something  like!  Pistols,  what  of  them? 
Pooh!  Snap,  you  blow  a  pill  into  the  air, 
and  'tis  like  enough  you  have  to  swallow 
it  yourself!  'Tis  for  apothecaries,  say  I,  and 
such  as  have  not  been  brought  up  to  the 
noble  and  gentlemanly  art  of  self-defence." 
"  Silence,  Tom,''  growled  the  Colonel; 
"  here  is  no  matter  for  jesting.  This  friend 
of  ours  has  had  a  mortal  affront,  has  he 
not?  'Tis  established.  Shall  he  not  mortallv 
avenge  himself  upon  him  who  has  robbed 
him  of  his  honour?  That  is  the  case,  is  it 
not?  And,  blast  me,  is  not  the  pistol  the 
deadlier  weapon,  and  therefore  the  most 
suited?  Hey.?" 

Sir  Jasper  made  an  inarticulate  sound  that 
might  have  passed  for  assent  or  dissent,  or 
merely  as  an  expression  of  excessive  dis- 
comfort of  feeling. 

"To  business  then,"  cried  Colonel  Vil- 
liers.  "  Shall  I  wait  upon  Lord  Verney, 

[56] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


and  suggest  pistols  at  seven  o'clock  to- 
morrow morning  in  Hammer's  Fields? 
That  is  where  I  generally  like  to  place 
such  affairs:  snug  enough  to  be  out  of  dis- 
turbers' way,  and  far  enough  to  warm  the 
blood  with  a  brisk  walk.  Gad,  'twas  but 
ten  days  ago  that  I  saw  poor  Ned  Waring 
laid  as  neatly  on  his  back  by  Lord  Tip- 
staffe  (him  they  call  Tipsy  Tip,  you  know) 
as  ever  it  was  done;  as  pretty  a  fight!  Six 
paces,  egad,  and  Ned  as  determined  a  dog 
as  a  fellow  could  want  to  second.  *Vil- 
liers,'  said  he,  as  I  handed  him  his  saw- 
handle,  *  if  I  do  not  do  for  him,  may  he 
do  for  me!  One  of  us  must  kill  the  other,' 
said  he.  'Twas  all  about  Mistress  Waring, 
you  know,  dashed  pretty  woman!  Poor 
Ned,  he  made  a  discovery  something  like 
yours,  eh?  Faith!  ha,  ha!  And  devil  take 
it,  sir.  Tip  had  him  in  the  throat  at  the 
first  shot,  and  Ned's  bullet  took  off  Tip- 
staffe's  right  curl!  Jove,  it  was  a  shave!  Ned 
never  spoke  again.  Ah,  leave  it  to  me;  see 
if  I  do  not  turn  you  out  as  rare  a  meeting." 

[  57] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  But  Stay/*  cried  Stafford,  as  Sir  Jasper 
writhed  in  his  arm-chair,  clenched  and 
unclenched  furious  hands,  and  felt  the  curl 
of  red  hair  burn  him  where  he  had  thrust 
it  into  his  bosom.  "  Stay,''  cried  Stafford, 
"  we  are  going  too  fast,  I  think.  Do  I  not 
understand  from  our  friend  here  that  he 
called  Lord  Verney  a  rat?  Sir  Jasper  is 
therefore  himself  the  insulting  party,  and 
must  wait  for  Lord  Verney's  action  in  the 
matter." 

"  I  protest,"  cried  the  Colonel,  "  the  first 
insult  was  Lord  Verney's  in  compromising 
our  friend's  wife." 

"  Pooh,  pooh,"  exclaimed  Stafford,  recross- 
ing  his  legs  to  bring  the  left  one  into 
shapely  prominence  this  time,  "  that  is 
but  the  insult  incidental.  But  to  call  a 
man  a  rat,  that  is  the  insult  direct.  Jasper 
is  therefore  the  true  challenger;  the  other 
has  the  choice  of  arms.  It  is  for  Lord 
Verney  to  send  to  our  friend." 
« Sir!"  exclaimed  the  Colonel,  growing 
redder  about  the  gills  than   Nature  and 

[  58  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

port  wine  had  already  made  him,  "sir, 
would  you  know  better  than  I?*' 
"  Gentlemen,"  said  Sir  Jasper,  sitting  up 
suddenly,  "  as  I  have  just  told  you,  since 
I  craved  of  your  kindness  that  you  would 
help  me  in  this  matter,  I  have  made  dis- 
coveries that  alter  the  complexion  of  the 
affair  very  materially.  I  have  reason  to  be- 
lieve that,  if  Lord  Verney  be  guilty  in 
this  matter,  it  is  in  a  very  minor  way. 
You  know  what  they  call  in  France  un 
chandelier.  Indeed,  it  is  my  conviction — 
such  is  female  artfulness — that  he  has 
merely  been  made  a  puppet  of  to  shield 
another  person.  It  is  this  person  I  must 
find  first,  and  upon  him  that  my  vengeance 
must  fall  before  I  can  attend  to  any  other 
business.  Lord  Verney  indeed  has  already 
sent  to  me,  but  his  friend.  Captain  Spicer, 
a  poor  fool  (somewhat  weak  in  the  head, 
I  believe),  left  suddenly,  without  our  com- 
ing to  any  conclusion.  Indeed,  I  do  not 
regret  it — I  do  not  seek  to  fight  with 
Lord  Verney  now.  Gentlemen,*'  said  Sir 

[  59  1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Jasper,  rising  and  drawing  the  letter  from 
his  breast,  '*  gentlemen,  I  shall  neither  eat 
nor  sleep  till  I  have  found  out  the  owner 
of  this  curl!'' 

He  shook  out  the  letter  as  he  spoke,  and 
fiercely  thrust  the  telltale  love-token  under 
the  noses  of  his  amazed  friends.  "It  is  a 
red-haired  man,  you  see!  There  lives  no 
red-haired  man  in  Bath  but  him  I  must 
forthwith  spit  or  plug,  lest  the  villain  es- 
cape me!" 

Colonel  Villiers  started  to  his  feet  with  a 
growl  like  that  of  a  tiger  aroused  from 
slumber. 

"  Zounds!''  he  exclaimed,  "  an  insult!" 
"  How!"  cried  Jasper,  turning  upon  him 
and  suddenly  noticing  the  sandy  hue  of 
his  friend's  bushy  eyebrows.  "  You,  good 
God!  You?  Pooh,  pooh,  impossible,  and 
yet  .  .  .  Colonel  Villiers,  sir,"  cried 
Sir  Jasper  in  awful  tones,  "  did  you  write 
this  letter?  Speak — yes  or  no,  man!  Speak, 
or  must  I  drag  the  words  from  your 
throat?" 

[60] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Purple  and  apoplectic  passion  well-nigh 
stifled  Colonel  Villiers. 
*' Stafford,  Stafford/'  he  spluttered,  "you 
are  witness.  These  are  gross  affronts — af- 
fronts which  shall  be  wiped  out/' 
"  Did  you  write  that  letter?  Yes  or  no!" 
screamed  Sir  Jasper,  shaking  the  offend- 
ing document  in  the  Colonel's  convulsed 
countenance. 

"  I?"  cried  the  Colonel,  and  struck  away 
Sir  Jasper's  hand  with  a  furious  blow,  "  I? 
I  write  such  brimstone  nonsense?  No,  sir! 
Now,  damn  you  body  and  soul.  Sir  Jasper, 
how  dare  you  ask  me  such  a  question?" 
**No,"  said  Sir  Jasper,  "of  course  not. 
Ah,  I  am  a  fool,  Villiers.  Forgive  me. 
There's  no  quarrel  between  us.  No,  of 
course  it  could  not  be  you.  With  that 
nose,  that  waistcoat,  your  sixty  years! 
Gad,  I  am  going  mad!" 
"  Why,  man,"  said  Stafford,  as  soon  as  he 
could  speak  for  laughing,  "  Villiers  has 
not  so  much  hair  on  all  his  head  as  you 
hold  in  your  hand  there.  Off  with  your 
[6i  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

wig,  Villiers,  off  with  your  wig,  and  let 
your  bald  pate  proclaim  its  shining  inno- 
cence.'* 

The  gallant  gentleman  thus  addressed  was 
by  this  time  black  in  the  face.  Panting  as 
to  breath,  disjointed  as  to  speech,  his  fury 
had  nevertheless  its  well-defined  purpose. 
"  I  have  been  insulted,  I  have  been  in- 
sulted,'' he  gasped;  "  the  matter  cannot 
end  here.  Sir  Jasper,  you  have  insulted 
me.  I  am  a  red-haired  man,  sir.  I  shall 
send  a  friend  to  call  upon  you." 
"  Nay,  then,"  said  Sir  Jasper,  "  since  'tis 
so  between  us  I  will  even  assure  myself 
that  Tom  has  spoken  the  truth,  and  give 
you  something  to  fight  for!"  He  stretched 
out  his  hand  as  he  spoke,  and  plucked  the 
wig  from.  Colonel  Villiers'  head. 
Before  him  indeed  spread  so  complete  an 
expanse  of  hairless  candour,  that  further  evi- 
dence was  not  necessary;  yet  the  few  limp 
hairs  that  lingered  behind  the  Colonel's 
ears,  if  they  had  once  been  ruddy,  shone 
now  meekly  silver  in  the  candle-light. 
[6a] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^. 

"  I  thank  you/'  said  Sir  Jasper,  "  that  is 
sufficient.  When  you  send  your  friend  to 
call  upon  me,  I  shall  receive  him  with 
pleasure/'  He  handed  back  the  Colonel's 
wig  with  a  bow. 

The  Colonel  stood  trembling;  his  knotted 
hand  instinctively  fumbled  for  his  sword. 
But,  remembering  perhaps  that  this  was 
eminently  a  case  for  pistols,  he  bethought 
himself,  seized  his  wig,  clapped  it  on  de- 
fiantly, settled  it  with  minute  care,  glared, 
wheeled  round  and  left  the  room,  mutter- 
ing as  he  went  remarks  of  so  sulphurous 
a  nature  as  to  defy  recording. 
Sir  Jasper  did  not  seem  to  give  him  an- 
other thought.  He  fell  into  his  chair  again 
and  spread  out  upon  his  knee  the  sorely 
crumpled  letter. 

"  Confusion!"  said  he.  "  Who  can  it  be? 
Tom,  you  scamp,  I  know  your  hair  is 
brown.  Thou  art  not  the  man,  Tom.  Oh, 
Tom,  oh,  Tom,  if  I  do  not  kill  him  I 
shall  go  mad!" 
Stafford  was  weak  with  laughter,  and  tears 

[63  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

rolled  from  his  eyes  as  he  gasped: 
"  Let  us  see,  who  can  the  Judas  be?  (Gad, 
this  is  the  best  joke  I  have  known  for 
years.  Oh,  Lord,  the  bald  head  of  him! 
Oh,  Jasper,  'tis  cruel  funny!  Stap  me,  sir, 
if  I  have  known  a  better  laugh  these  ten 
years!)  Nay,  nay,  I  will  help  thee.  Come, 
there's  His  Lordship  the  Bishop  of  Bath 
and  Wells,  he  is  red,  I  know,  for  I  have 
seen  him  in  the  water.  Gad,  he  was  like 
a  boiled  lobster,  hair  and  all.  Could  it  be 
he,  think  you?  They  have  a  way,  these 
divines,  and  Lady  Standish  has  a  delicate 
conscience.  She  would  like  the  approval 
of  the  Church  upon  her  deeds.  Nay,  never 
glare  like  that,  for  I  will  not  fight  you! 
Have  you  not  got  your  rosary  of  red  polls 
to  tell  first?  Ha!  there  is  O'Hara,  he  is 
Irish  enough  and  rake  enough  and  red 
enough.  Oh,  he  is  red  enough!" 
"  O'Hara!"  cried  Sir  Jasper,  struck. 
There  came  a  fine  rat-tat-tat  at  the  door, 
a  parley  in  the  hall,  and  the  servant  an- 
nounced Mr.  Denis  O'Hara. 

[64] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


* '  Talk  of  the  devil/  ''  said  Stafford. 
Sir  Jasper  rose  from  his    armchair  with 
the  air  of  one  whose  enemy  is  delivered 
into  his  hands. 


[65] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 
SCENE  FL 


HE  Honourable  Denis 
O'Hara,  son  and  heir  of 
Viscount  Kilcroney  in 
the  peerage  of  Ireland, 
entered  with  a  swift  and 
easy  step,  and  saluted  air- 
ily. He  had  a  merry 
green  eye,  and  the  red  of  his  crisp  hair 
shone  out  through  the  powder  like  a  win- 
ter sunset  through  a  mist. 
"  Sir  Jasper,''  said  he,  "  your  servant,  sir. 
Faith,  Tom,  me  boy,  is  that  you?  The  top 
of  the  evening  to  ye." 
Uninvited  he  took  a  chair  and  flung  his 
careless  figure  upon  it.  His  joints  were 
loose,  his  nose  aspired,  his  rich  lace  ruffles 
were  torn,  his  handsome  coat  was  buttoned 
awry;  Irishman  was  stamped  upon  every 
line  of  him,  from  his  hot  red  head  to  his 
slim  alert  foot;  Irishman  lurked  in  every 
rich  accent  of  his  ready  tongue. 
Sir  Jasper  made  no  doubt  that  now  the 
[66] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Lothario  who  had  poached  on  his  pre- 
serves, had  destroyed  his  peace,  had  devas- 
tated his  home,  w^as  before  him.  He  turned 
to  Stafford  and  caught  him  by  the  wrist. 
"  Tom,"  whispered  he,  "  you  will  stand 
by  me,  for  by  my  immortal  soul,  I  will 
fight  it  out  to-night!'' 
**  For  God's  sake,  be  quiet,"  whispered  the 
other,  who  began  to  think  that  the  jealous 
husband  was  getting  beyond  a  joke.  "Let 
us  hear  what  the  fellow  has  got  to  say  first. 
The  devil!  I  will  not  stand  by  to  see  you 
pink  every  auburn  buck  in  the  town.  'Tis 
stark  lunacy." 

"  But  'tis  you  yourself,"  returned  Sir  Jas- 
per, in  his  fierce  undertone — "  you  your- 
self who  told  me  it  was  he.  See,  but  look 
at  this  curl  and  at  that  head." 
"  Oh,  flummery!"  cried  Stafford.  "  Let  him 
speak,  I  say." 

"  When  you  have  done  your  little  conver- 
sation, gentlemen,''  said  Mr.  O'Hara  good- 
naturedly,  "  perhaps  you  will  let  me  put 
in  a  word  edgeways?" 

r  67  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Sir  Jasper,  under  his  friend's  compelling 
hand,  sank  into  a  chair;  his  sinews  well- 
nigh  creaked  with  the  constraint  he  was 
if  putting  upon  himself. 

"  I  have  come,"  said  Denis  O'Hara,  **from 
me  friend  Captain  Spoicer.  I  met  him  a 
whoile  ago,  fluttering  down  Gay  street, 
leaping  like  a  hare  with  the  hounds  after 
him,  by  St.  Patrick!  *  You're  running  away 
from  someone,  Spoicer,'  says  I.  And  says 
he,  *  I'm  running  away  from  that  blithering 
madman  Sir  Jasper  Standish.'  Excuse  me. 
Sir  Jasper,  those  were  his  words,  ye  see." 
"  And  what,  sir,"  interrupted  Sir  Jasper 
in  an  ominous  voice — "  what,  sir,  may  I 
ask,  was  your  purpose  in  walking  this  way 
to-night?" 

"  Eh,"  cried  the  Irishman,  "  what  is  that 
ye  say?" 

"  Oh,  go  on,  O'Hara,"  cried  Stafl^ord  im- 
patiently and  under  his  breath  to  Standish, 
"  Faith,  Jasper,"  said  he,  '*  keep  your 
manners,  or  I'll  wash  my  hands  of  the 
whole  matter." 

[68] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Oh,  is  that  the  way  with  him?"  said 
O'Hara,  behind  his  hand  to  Stafford,  and 
winked  jovially.  "  Well,  I  was  saying, 
gentlemen,  that  to  see  a  man  run,  unless 
it  be  a  Frenchman,  is  a  thing  that  goes 
against  me.  *  Why,  what  did  he  do  to  you?' 
said  I  (meaning  you.  Sir  Jasper).  *  Oh,' 
says  me  gallant  Captain,  *  I  went  to  him 
with  a  gentlemanly  message  from  a  friend, 
and  the  fellow  insulted  me  so  grossly  with 
remarks  about  my  hair,  that  sure,'  says  he, 
^  'tis  only  fit  for  Bedlam  he  is.'  '  Insulted 
you,'  says  I,  *and  where  are  ye  running 
to?  To  look  for  a  friend,  I  hope,'  says  I. 
'  Insults  are  stinking  things.'  *  Sure,'  says 
he,  '  he  is  mad,'  says  he.  *  Well,  what 
matter  of  that?'  says  I.  *  Sure,  isn't  it  all 
mad  we  are,  more  or  less?  Come,'  says  I, 
*  Spoicer,  this  will  look  bad  for  you  with 
the  ladies,  not  to  speak  of  the  men.  Give 
me  the  message,  me  boy,  and  I  will  take 
it;  and  sure  we  will  let  Sir  Jasper  bring 
his  keepers  with  him  to  the  field,  and  no 
one  can  say  fairer  than  that.' " 

[69] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Sir  Jasper  sprang  to  his  feet. 
"  Now,  curse  your  Irish  insolence,"  he 
roared;  "  this  is  more  than  I  would  stand 
from  any  man!  And,  if  I  mistake  not,  Mr. 
O'Hara,  we  have  other  scores  to  settle 
besides." 

"Is  it  we?"  cried  O'Hara,  jumping  up 
likewise.  **  'Tis  the  first  Tve  heard  of 
them — but,  be  jabers,  you  will  never  find 
me  behind  hand  in  putting  me  foot  to  the 
front!  I  will  settle  as  many  scores  as  you 
like,  Sir  Jasper — so  long  as  it  is  me  sword 
and  not  me  purse  that  pays  them." 
"  Draw  then,  man,  draw!"  snarled  Sir  Jas- 
per, dancing  in  his  fury.  He  bared  his  sil- 
ver-hilted  sword  and  threw  the  scabbard 
in  a  corner. 

"  Heaven  defend  us!"  cried  Stafford,  in 
vain  endeavouring  to  come  between  the 
two. 

"  Sure,  you  must  not  contradict  him," 
cried  O'Hara,  unbuckling  his  belt  rapidly, 
and  drawing  likewise  with  a  pretty  flour- 
ish of  shining  blade.  "  'Tis  the  worst  way 

[70] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


in  the  world  to  deal  with  a  cracked  man. 
Sure,  ye  must  soothe  him  and  give  in  to 
him.  Don't  I  know?  Is  not  me  own  first 
cousin  a  real  raw  lunatic  in  Kinsale  Asy- 
lum this  blessed  day?  Come  on,  Sir  Jasper, 
Fm  yer  man.  Just  pull  the  chairs  out  of 
the  way,  Tom,  me  dear  boy.*' 
"  Now  sir,  now  sir!'*  said  Sir  Jasper,  and 
felt  restored  to  himself  again  as  steel 
clinked  against  steel.  And  he  gripped  the 
ground  with  his  feet,  and  knew  the  joy  of 
action. 

"Well,  what  must  be,  must  be,''  said 
Stafford  philosophically,  and  sat  across  a 
chair;  "  and  a  good  fight  is  a  good  fight 
all  the  world  over.  Ha,  that  was  a  lunge! 
O'Hara  wields  a  pretty  blade,  but  there  is 
danger  in  Jasper's  eye.  I  vow  I  won't  have 
the  Irish  boy  killed.  Ha!"  He  sprang  to 
his  feet  again  and  brandished  the  chair, 
ready  to  interpose  between  the  two  at 
the  critical  moment. 

O'Hara  was  as  buoyant  as  a  cork;  he 
skipped  backward  and  forward,  from  one 

[71  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

side  to  another,  in  sheer  enjoyment  of  the 
contest.  But  Sir  Jasper  hardly  moved  from 
his  first  position  except  for  one  or  two 
vicious  lunges.  Stafford  had  deemed  to  see 
danger  in  his  eye;  there  was  more  than 
danger — there  was  murder!  The  injured 
husband  was  determined  to  slay,  and 
bided  his  time  for  the  fatal  thrust.  The 
while,  O'Hara  attacked  out  of  sheer  light- 
ness of  heart.  Now  his  blade  grazed  Sir 
Jasper's  thigh;  once  he  gave  him  a  flick- 
ing prick  on  the  wrist  so  that  the  blood 
ran  down  his  fingers. 
"  Stop,  stop!"  cried  Stafford,  running  in 
with  his  chair.  "  Sir  Jasper's  hit!" 
"  No,  dash  you!"  cried  Sir  Jasper.  And 
click,  clank,  click,  it  went  again,  with  the 
pant  of  the  shortening  breath,  and  the 
thud  of  the  leaping  feet.  Sir  Jasper  lunged 
a  third  time,  O'Hara  waved  his  sword 
aimlessly,  fell  on  one  knee,  and  rolled 
over. 

"  Halt!"  yelled  Stafford.  It  was  too  late. 
Sir  Jasper  stood  staring  at  his  red  blade. 

[72  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"  You  have  killed  him!"  cried  Stafford 
turning  furiously  on  his  friend,  and  was 
down  on  his  knees  and  had  caught  the 
wounded  man  in  his  arms  the  next  second. 
^'  Devil  a  bit,"  said  O'Hara,  and  wriggled 
in  the  other's  grasp,  too  vigorously  indeed 
for  a  moribund,  found  his  feet  in  a  jiffy 
and  stood  laughing  with  a  white  face  and 
looking  down  at  his  dripping  shirt.  "  'Tis 
but  the  sudden  cold  feel  of  the  steel,  man! 
Sure  Tm  all  right,  and  ready  to  begin 
again!  'Tis  but  a  rip  in  the  ribs,  for  I  can 
breathe  as  right  as  ever."  He  puffed  noisily 
as  he  spoke  to  prove  his  words,  slapped 
his  chest,  then  turned  giddily  and  fell  into 
a  chair.  Stafford  tore  open  the  shirt.  It 
was  as  O'Hara  had  said,  the  wound  was 
an  ugly  surface  rip,  more  unpleasant  than 
dangerous. 

"  Let  us  have  another  bout,"  said  O'Hara. 
"  No,  no,"  said  Stafford. 
"  No,  no,"  said  Sir  Jasper   advancing  and 
standing  before  his  adversary.  "  No,  Mr. 
O'Hara,  you    may    have    done    me    the 

[73] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

greatest  injury  that  one  can  do  another, 
but  Gad,  sir,  you  have  fought  like  a 
gentleman!" 

*'  Ah!"  whispered  O'Hara  to  Stafford,  who 
still  examined  the  wound  with  a  knowing 
manner,  "  'tis  crazed  entoirely  he  is,  the 
poor  dear  fellow." 

"  Not  crazed,"  said  Stafford  rising,  "or  if 
so,  only  through  jealousy. — Jasper,  let  us 
have  some  wine  for  Mr.  O'Hara,  and  one 
of  your  women  with  water  and  bandages. 
A  little  sticking-plaisterwill  set  this  busi- 
ness to  rights.  Thank  God,  that  I  have  not 
seen  murder  to-night!" 
**  One  moment,  Stafford,"  said  Jasper, 
"  one  moment,  sir.  Let  us  clear  this  mat- 
ter. Am  I  not  right,  Mr.  O'Hara,  in  be- 
lieving you  to  have  written  a  letter  to  my 
wife?" 

"  Is  it  me?"  cried  O'Hara   in   the  most 
guileless  astonishment. 
*'  He  thinks  you   are   her  lover,"  whis- 
pered Stafford  in   his  ear.  "  Zooks,  I  can 
laugh  again  now!  He  knows  she  has  got 

[  74  J 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


a  red-haired  lover,  and  says  he  will  kill 

every  red-haired  man  in  Bath!'' 

"  Sure   I    have   never  laid  eyes  on  Lady 

Standish/'  said  O'Hara  to  Sir  Jasper,  "if 

that  is  all  you  want.  Sure,  Fd  have  been 

proud  to  be  her  lover  if  Fd  only  had  the 

honour  of  her  acquaintance!" 

"Mr.   O'Hara,"   said   Sir   Jasper,    "will 

you  shake  hands  with  me?'' 

"With   all  the  pleasure    in  loife!"  cried 

the  genial    Irishman.  "  Faith,    'tis    great 

friends   we  will   be,  but  perhaps  ye    had 

better  not  introjuce  me  toye'rlady,  for  Fm 

not  to  be  trusted  where  the  dear  creatures 

are  concerned,  and  so  'tis  best  to  tell  you 

at  the  outset." 

The   opponents    now   shook    hands  with 

some  feeling  on   either   side.  The  wound 

was  attended    to,  and    several  bottles  of 

wine  were    thereafter    cracked   in    great 

good-fellowship. 

"  There  is  nothing  like  Canary,"  vowed 

O'Hara,  "  for  the  power  of  healing." 


[75] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

It  was  past  midnight  when,  on  the  arm 
of  Mr.  Stafford,  Denis  O'Hara  set  out  to 
return  to  his  own  lodgings. 
The  streets  were  empty  and  the  night 
dark,  and  they  had  many  grave  consulta- 
tions at  the  street  corners  as  to  which  way 
to  pursue.  If  they  reeled  a  little  as  they 
went,  if  they  marched  round  King's  Cir- 
cus, and  round  again  more  than  once,  and 
showed  a  disposition  to  traverse  Gay  Street 
from  side  to  side  oftener  than  was  really 
required  by  their  itinerary,  it  was  not,  as 
O'Hara  said,  because  of  the  Canary,  but 
all  in  the  way  of  "  divarsion." 
"  Sir  Jasper's  a  jolly  good  fellow,"  said 
Lord  Kilcroney's  heir  as  he  propped  him- 
self against  his  own  door-post,  and  wag- 
gled the  knocker  with  tipsy  gravity.  "  And 
so  are  you,'*  said  he  to  Stafford.  "  I  like 
ye  both."  Here  he  suddenly  showed  a  dis- 
position to  fall  upon  Stafford's  neck,  but 
as  suddenly  arrested  himself,  stiffened  his 
swaying  limbs  and  struck  his  forehead 
with  a  sudden  flash  of  sobriety.  "  Thun- 

[  76] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


der  and  'ouns/*  said  he,  "if  I  did  not 
clean  forget  about  Spoicer!" 
He  was  with  difficulty  restrained  by  Staf- 
ford (who,  having  a  stronger  head,  was 
somewhat  the  soberer),  with  the  help  of 
the  servants  who  now  appeared,  from  set- 
ting forth  to  repair  his  negligence.  By  a 
tactful  mixture  of  persuasion  and  force, 
the  wounded  gentleman  was  at  length 
conducted  to  bed,  sleepily  murmuring: 
"  Won'tdo  at  all — most  remiss — affair  of 
honour — never  put  off!"  until  sleep  over- 
took him,  which  was  before  his  head 
touched  the  pillow. 

Meanwhile  Sir  Jasper  sat,  with  guttering 
candles  all  around  him,  in  the  recesses  of 
an  armchair  his  legs  extended  straight, 
his  bandaged  wrist  stuffed  into  his  bosom, 
his  head  sunk  upon  his  chest,  his  spurious 
flash  of  gayety  now  all  lost  in  a  depth  of 
chaotic  gloom.  Dawn  found  him  thus.  At 
its  first  cold  rays  he  rose  sobered,  and 
could  not  have  said  whether  the  night  had 
passed  in  waking  anguish  or  in  hideous 

[  n  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


nightmare.  He  looked  round  on  the 
cheerless  scene,  the  blood-stained  linen, 
the  empty  wine-glasses  with  their  sicken- 
ing reek,  the  smoking  candles,  the  disor- 
dered room;  then  he  shuddered  and  sought 
the  haven  of  his  dressing-room,  and  the 
relief  of  an  hour's  sleep  with  a  wet  towel 
tied  round  his  throbbing  head. 


[78] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 
SCENE    VII. 


1 

M 

1 

I  STRESS  BELLAIRS 

was  up  betimes.  In  truth 
she  had  slept  ill,  which 
was  a  strange  experience 
for  her.  What  her  thirty- 
seven  lovers  had  never 
had  the  power  to  wring 
from  her — a  tear  and  a  sleepless  night — 
this  had  she  given  to  the  one  man  who 
loved  her  not. 

She  was  tortured  with  anxiety  concerning 
the  danger  which  her  caprice  (or,  as  she 
put  it,  Lady  Standish's  inconceivable  fool- 
ishness) might  have  brought  upon  Lord 
Verney.  At  daybreak  she  rang  for  her 
maid,  and  with  the  eight  o'clock  choco- 
late demanded  to  be  posted  with  all  the 
news  of  the  town.  She  was  of  those  who 
possess  the  talent  of  making  themselves 
served.  The  chocolate  was  to  the  full  as 
perfumed  and  creamy  as  ever,  and  Miss 
Lydia  was   bursting  with  tidings   of  im- 

[  79] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

portance,  as  she  stood  by  her  lady's  couch. 
**Well,  Lydia,  well?''  cried  her  mistress, 
sharply. 

"  Oh,  Lud,  ma'am,  the  whole  town's  ring- 
ing with  it!  My  Lady  Standish  has  been 
found  out.  There,  I  for  one  never  trust 
those  solemn  prudes  that  ever  keep  their 
eyes  turned  up  or  cast  down,  and  their 
mouths  pursed  like  cherries.  *  You  would 
not  be  so  proper  if  there  was  not  a  reason 
for  it,'  I  always  think." 
"  Lydia,"  said  Mistress  Bellairs,  "  do  not 
be  a  fool.  Go  on;  what  has  Lady  Standish 
been  found  out  in,  pray?" 
"  Oh,  ma'am,"  said  Lydia,  "  it  ain't  hard 
to  guess.  'Tis  what  a  woman's  always 
found  out  in,  I  suppose.  But,  Lud,  the 
shamelessness  of  it!  I  hear,  ma'am,"  she 
came  closer  to  her  mistress  and  bent  to 
whisper,  almost  trembling  with  the  joy  of 
being  tale-bearer  to  such  purpose,  **  I  hear 
Sir  Jasper  found  Colonel  Villiers  there 
yesterday  afternoon.  Oh,  ma'am,  such 
goings-on!" 

[80] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Pshaw!"  said  Mistress  Kitty. 
"Well,  they're  going  to  fight, anyhow," 
cried  the  girl,  "  and  Sir  Jasper  tore  off  the 
Colonel's  wig  and  beat  him  about  the  face 
with  it,  ma'am,  and   the    Colonel's  been 
like  a  madman  ever  since,  and  he  vows 
he  will  shoot  him  this  morning." 
Mistress  Bellairs  gave  a  sigh  of  relief. 
**  Let  them  shoot   each  other,"  said  she, 
sinking  back  on  her  pillows  and  stirring 
her  chocolate  calmly.  "  I  do  not  find  the 
world  any  better  for  either  of  them." 
"  But  that  is  not  all,  ma'am,  for  poor  Sir 
Jasper,  no    sooner    had  he   thrashed   the 
Colonel,  than  he  finds  Mr.  Denis  O'Hara 
behind  the  curtains." 
"  Denis  O'Hara!"  exclaimed  Mistress  Bel- 
lairs, sitting  up  in  amaze.  "  You're  raving!" 
"  No,   ma'am,  for   I   have   it  from   Mr. 
O'Hara's  own  man;  and  did  not  he  and 
Sir  Jasper  fight  it  out  then  and  there,  and 
was  not  Mr.  O'Hara  carried  home  wounded 
by  the  Watch?" 

"  Mercy  on  us! "  exclaimed  the  lady. 
[8i] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  And  that  is  not  all,  ma'am,"  said  the 
maid. 

**  You  frighten  me,  child/* 
"  There  is  Captain  Spicer,  too,  whom  you 
can't  a-bear,  and  Lord  Verney." 
"  Lord  Verney!"  cried  Mistress  Kitty. 
"  Ay,  ma'am;  he  and  Sir  Jasper  are  going 
to  fight  this  morning.  Sir  Jasper's  going 
to  fight  them  all,  but   Lord  Verney  is  to 
be  the  first,  for  Sir  Jasper  found  him  kiss- 
ing Lady  Standish  yesterday  at  noon;  the 
others  were  later  on.  So  it's  my  lord  comes 
first,  you  see,  ma'am." 
"  La,  girl,"  cried  Mistress  Bellairs  with  a 
scream,  and  upset  her  chocolate,  "  going 
to  fight  this  morning?  'Tis  not  true!"  Her 
pretty  face  turned  as  white  as  chalk  under 
its  lace  frills. 

"  Yes,  ma'am,"  pursued  the  maid,  gabbling 
as  hard  as  she  could.  "  Yes,  ma'am,  first 
there's  Lord  Verney.  Sir  Jasper,  they  say, 
behaved  so  oddly  to  Captain  Spicer,  who 
brought  the  first  challenge,  that  Lord 
Verney  sent  another  by  a  chairman  this 

[  82  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

morning.  And  then  Colonel  Villiers.  Of 
course,  as  Mr.  Mahoney  says  (that's  Mr. 
O'Hara's  man,  ma'am).  Sir  Jasper  is  safe 
to  kill  Lord  Verney,  and  Colonel  Villiers 
is  safe  to  kill  Sir  Jasper.  But  if  the  Col- 
onel do  not  kill  Sir  Jasper,  then  Sir  Jasper 
will  fight  Captain  Spicer!  La,  ma'am,  the 
chocolate's  all  over  the  bed!" 
"  Oh,  get  out  of  that,  you  silly  wench," 
cried  Mistress  Bellairs;  "  let  me  rise!  There 
is  not  a  moment  to  lose.  And  where  is  Sir 
Jasper  supposed  to  fight  my  Lord  Verney? 
(Give  me  my  silk  stockings,  useless  thing 
that  you  are!)  I  don't  believe  a  word  of 
your  story.  How  dare  you  come  and  tell 
me  such  a  pack  of  nonsense?  But  where 
are  they  supposed  to  fight?  Of  course  you 
must  have  heard  the  hour?"  She  was  pull- 
ing silk  stockings  over  her  little  arched 
foot  and  up  her  little  plump  leg  as  fast  as 
her  trembling  hands  would  obey  her. 
**  I  do  not  know  where,  ma'am,"  said  the 
maid  demurely,  "  but  the  Colonel  is  to 
meet  Sir  Jasper  in    Hammer's  Fields  at 

[83  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

noon,  so  I  suppose  my  Lord  Verney  and 
he  will  be  fighting  about  this  time." 
**  Oh,  hold  your  tongue,'*  cried  her  mis- 
tress; "  you're  enough  to  drive  one  mad 
with  your  quacking!" 
Not  a  dab  of  rouge  did  the  widow  find 
time  to  spread  upon  pale  cheeks,  not  a 
dust  of  powder  upon  a  black  curl.  The 
pretty  morning  hood  was  drawn  round  a 
very  different  face  from  that  which  it  usu- 
ally shaded;  but  who  shall  say  that  Kitty, 
the  woman,  running  breathless  through  the 
empty  streets  with  the  early  breeze  play- 
ing with  her  loose  hair,  was  not  as  fair  in 
her  complete  self-abandonment,  as  the 
fashionable  lady,  powdered,  painted, 
patched  and  laced,  known  under  the 
name  of  Mistress  Bellairs?  Her  small  feet 
hammered  impatiently  along,  her  skirts 
fluttered  as  she  went.  She  would  not  wait 
for  a  coach;  a  chair  would  have  sent  her 
crazy. 

At  the  turning  of  the  Crescent,  another 
fluttering  woman's    figure,    also   hooded, 

[84] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


also  cloaked,  also  advancing  with  the 
haste  that  despises  appearances,  passed  her 
with  a  patter  and  a  flash.  They  crossed, 
then,  moved  by  the  same  impulse,  halted 
with  dawning  recognition. 
"  Mistress  Bellairs!"  cried  Lady  Standish's 
flute-like  voice. 

"  Julia  Standish!''  screamed  Mistress  Bel- 
lairs.  They  turned  and  caught  at  each 
other  with  clinging  hands. 
"  Oh,  heavens,"  said  Mistress  Bellairs,  "is 
what  I  hear  true?  Is  that  devil  Sir  Jasper 
going  to  fight  Lord  Verney  this  morning? 
Why,  Verney's  but  a  child;  'tis  rank  mur- 
der. You  wicked  woman,  see  what  you 
have  done!" 

"Ah,  Mistress  Bellairs,"  cried  Julia,  and 
pressed  her  side,  "my  heart  is  broken." 
"  But  what  has  happened,  woman,  what 
has  happened?"  cried  Kitty,  and  shook  the 
plaintive  Julia  with  a  fierce  hand. 
"  Sir  Jasper  will  not  see  me,"  sobbed 
Julia,  "  but  I  have  found  out  that  he  is  to 
meet  my  Lord  Verney  in  an  hour  in  Bath- 

[  8s] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

wick  Meadows.  There  have  been  messages 
going  backward  and  forward  since  early 
dawn.  Oh,  Heaven  have  pity  on  us!'* 
"  Where  are  you  going?''  cried  Kitty,  and 
shook  her  once  more. 
"  I  was  going  to  Lord  Verney  to  plead  for 
my  husband's  life,"  said  Lady  Standish, 
and  the  tears  streamed  down  her  face  like 
the  storm-rain  upon  lily  flowers. 
"  The  Lord    keep    you,"  cried    Mistress 
Bellairs   with  feelings  too  deep  for  anger; 
"  I    believe  you    are    no    better  than  an 
idiot!" 

The  most  heroic  resolves  are  often  the 
work  of  a  second!  "  Now  go  back  home 
again,  you  silly  thing,"  said  Kitty.  "  'Tis 
I — yes.  Lady  Standish,  you  do  not  deserve 
it  of  me — but  I  will  sacrifice  myself!  I 
will  prevent  this  duel,  I  will  go  to  my 
Lord  Verney!" 

"  You,"  said  Julia,  and  wondered,  and  but 
half  understood  the  meaning  of  the  words. 
"  Go  home,  go  home,"  said  Mistress 
Kitty,  "  and  I  tell  you  that  if  I  do  not 
[86] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

make  Lord  Verney  fail  at  the  meeting, 
my  name  is  not  Kitty  BellairsP' 
Lady  Standish  hesitated,  and  meekly  bowed 
her  head,  turned  and  began  to  retrace  her 
steps,  her  slim  figure  bending  and  swaying 
as  if  the  fresh  morning  wind  were  too 
stern  for  her. 

Mistress  Bellairs  looked  at  her  watch. 
"  Did  she  say  an  hour?"  murmured  she  to 
herself.  '*  Then,  ten  minutes  before  the 
looking-glass  and  ten  minutes  to  get  to 
my  lord's  lodgings,  and  I  will  find  him 
about  to  start.  'Tis  his  first  afl?air  of  hon- 
our, poor  boy,  and  he  is  sure  to  be  as  early 
at  it  as  a  country  cousin  to  a  dinner-party." 
The  sun  broke  out  from  a  cloudy  sky,  and 
Mistress  Bellairs  shook  herself  and  felt 
her  spirits  rise.  A  dimple  peeped  in  either 
cheek. 

"  After  all,"  said  she  as  she  tripped  along, 
and  the  dimples  deepened  as  the  smile 
broadened,  "  who  knows?  'Tis  an  ill  wind 
that  blows  nobody  good." 

•  •  •  •  • 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

My  Lady  Standish  returned  home.  The 
servants  stared  at  her  curiously  as  she 
crossed  the  hall.  Mistress  Tremlet,  the 
housekeeper,  passed  her  with  pursed  lips. 
Her  own  maid,  she  knew,  was  dissolved 
in  tears  and  plunged  in  Doctor  PerseFs 
discourses  against  heresy.  White  as  new- 
fallen  snow  was  her  conscience,  neverthe- 
less she  felt  herself  smirched  in  the  eyes 
of  all  these  people.  Yet  she  cared  not. 
Outside  Sir  Jasper's  dressing-room  she  lis- 
tened. She  could  hear  him  stamp  about  as 
he  made  his  toilet,  and  curse  his  man. 
She  put  out  her  hand  to  knock,  but  the 
memory  of  his  stern  repulse  to  her  last 
appeal  robbed  her  of  all  courage. 
"  I  will  not  go  in  upon  him,''  thought 
she,  "but  when  he  comes  out  I  will 
speak." 

*' These  swords,"  said  Sir  Jasper  within, 
"  I  will  take  in  the  carriage.  I  expect  Mr. 
Stafford  and  a  friend  to  call  for  me  in 
half-an-hour.  Do  you  understand,  sirrah! 
And  hark  ye,  where  are  the  pistols?" 

[  88  ] 


THE  BATH   COMEDY 


"  Pistols!"  echoed  Lady  Standish,  and  her 
heart  beat  to  suffocation. 
There  was  a  pause. 

"  Here,  Sir  Jasper,"  said  the  valet  then. 
"  Now,  mark  what  I  say,"  said  Sir  Jasper 
impressively.  "  Lord  Markham  will  call 
at  eleven.  Let  the  curricle  be  in  waiting; 
tell  my  lord  that  I  will  meet  him  five 
minutes  before  the  half-hour  at  Hammer's 
Fields.  Forget  at  your  peril!  You  are  to 
take  these  pistols  there  yourself.  Stay,  tell 
my  Lord  Markham  that  if  I  am  not  at 
the  rendezvous y  'twill  only  be  because  I 
have  not  life  enough  left  to  take  me  there, 
and  he  must  make  it  straight  with  Colonel 
Villiers.  Have  you  understood,  rascal?  Nay 
— damn  you! — I  will  give  you  a  letter  for 
my  Lord  Markham." 
"  Oh  God!  Oh  God!"  cried  poor  Lady 
Standish,  and  felt  her  knees  tremble, 
**  what  is  this  now?  Another  meeting!  The 
Colonel!  ...  In  God's  name  how 
comes  he  upon  Colonel  Villiers?  Why, 
this  is  wholesale  slaughter!  This  is  insanity! 

[  89  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


This  must  be  prevented!''  She  caught  her 
head  in  her  hands.  "Sir  Jasper's  mad," 
she  said.  "  What  shall  I  do?  What  shall  I 
do?  They  will  kill  him,  and  I  shall  have 
done  it.  Why  now,  if  Kitty  prevents  the 
first  duel,  cannot  I  prevent  the  second? 
Oh,  I  am  a  false  wife  if  I  cannot  save  my 
husband.  Heaven  direct  me!"  she  prayed, 
and  to  her  prayer  came  inspiration. 
There  was  the  Bishop,  the  Bishop  of  Bath 
and  Wells!  That  reverend  prelate  had 
shown  her  much  kindness  and  attention; 
he  would  know  how  to  interfere  in  such 
a  crisis.  He  was  a  man  of  authority.  Be- 
tween them  could  they  not  force  the 
peace  at  Hammer's  Fields,  and  could  not 
Sir  Jasper  be  saved  in  spite  of  himself, 
were  it  by  delivering  him  into  the  hands 
of  the  law? 

Lady   Standish   flew  into   her  room   and 
called  the  sniffing  Megrim. 
"  Paper  and  ink,"  cried  she,  "  and  get  you 
ready  to  run  on  a  message.  'Tis  a  matter 
of  life  and  death." 

[  90] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


**My  lady/'  said  Megrim  primly,  "  I  will 
serve  your  ladyship  in  all  things  that  are 
right;  but  I  hope  I  know  my  dooty  to 
my  Creator;  and  stoop  to  connive  at  ir- 
regularities, my  lady,  I  won  t  and  never 
will." 

She  had  been  ready  to  condemn  her  mas- 
ter overnight,  but  the  talk  in  the  servants' 
hall  had,  as  she  expressed  it,  "  opened  her 
eyes."  And  what  woman  is  not  ready  to 
judge  her  sister  woman — above  all,  what 
maid  to  condemn  her  mistress? 
Lady  Standish  stared. 
"  What  means  this?"  said  she.  "  You  shall 
do  as  I  bid  you.  Mistress  Megrim.  How 
dare  you!"  cried  Lady  Standish  with  a 
sudden  flash  of  comprehension.  "Why, 
woman,  my  letter  is  to  the  Bishop!" 
"  Oh,"  quoth  Mistress  Megrim,  still  with 
reserve  yet  condescending  to  approval, 
"  that  is  another  matter!  Shall  I,"  she 
sniffed,  "  be  stricter  than  becomes  a  Chris- 
tian? Shall  I  refuse  aid  to  the  bruised  sin- 
ner or  to  the  smoking  lamp  whose  con- 

[91  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

science  is  awakened?  May  his  lordship  be 
a  tower  of  strength  to  your  ladyship  along 
the  rocky  paths  of  penitence — Amen!'' 


f92] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 

SCENE  Fill. 


^~^^ 

^^^^^^F 

^(^r^^C^xE 

;»/^^ 

^^^iSmS^ 

m 

^Si 

^k 

p^^g 

^^^^^^1 

N  ten  minutes  a  fair  lady 
may  do  much  to  enhance 
her  fairness.  As  Mistress 
Bellairs  took  a  last  look 
at  her  mirror,  while  Lydia 
bustled  out  to  call  a  hired 
chair,  she  bestowed  upon 
her  reflection  a  smile  of  approval  which 
indeed  so  charming  an  image  could  not 
fail  to  call  forth.  Then  she  huddled  her- 
self in  a  mysterious  and  all-enveloping 
cloak,  caught  up  a  little  velvet  mask  from 
the  table,  and  sped  upon  her  errand.  She 
sallied  forth  as  the  gallant  soldier  might 
to  battle,  with  a  beating  heart  yet  a  high 
one. 

Lord  Verney  and  Captain  Spicer  had  just 
finished  breakfast  at  the  former's  lodgings 
in  Pierrepoint  street,  near  North  Parade. 
Captain  Spicer,  babbling  ineptly  of  his 
own  experience  as  a  duellist,  of  his 
scorn  of  Sir  Jasper's  lunacy,  yet  of  his  full 

[93] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


determination  to  slay  the  vile  madman,  had 
done  ample  justice  to  his  young  principaFs 
table.  But  Lord  Verney,  his  cheek  now 
darkly  flushed,  now  spread  with  an  un- 
wholesome pallor,  found  it  hard  to  swal- 
low even  a  mouthful  of  bread,  and  rest- 
lessly passed  from  the  contemplation  of 
the  clock  and  the  setting  of  his  watch  to 
the  handling  of  his  pistols,  or  the  hasty 
addition  of  yet  another  postscript  to  the 
ill-spelt,  blotted  farewell  epistle  he  had 
spent  half  the  night  in  inditing  to  the 
Dowager  his  mother:  "  In  case,  you 
know  .  .  ."  he  had  said  to  his  friend, 
with  a  quiver  in  his  voice. 
Captain  Spicer  had  earnestly  promised  to 
carry  out  his  patron's  last  wishes  in  the 
most  scrupulous  manner. 
"My  dear  lord,''  he  had  said,  grasping 
him  by  the  hand,  "  rely  upon  me.  Gad, 
Sir  Jasper  is  a  devil  of  a  shot,  I  hear,  and 
of  course,  he,  he!  we  all  know  the  saying 
— the  strength  of  a  madman.  But  no 
sooner  has  he  laid  you,  Harry,  than  I  vow, 

[  94] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

upon  my  honour,  I  shall  hold  him  at  my 
sword's  point.  I  will  revenge  thee,  Harry, 
never  fear  of  that.  'Twill  be  a  mighty 
genteel  story,  and  the  world  will  ring  with 
it.  Egad,  he  will  not  be  the  first  I  have 
spitted  as  easy  as  your  cook  would  spit  a 
turkey.  Have  I  not  learnt  of  the  great 
Angelo  Malevolti  himself?  He,  he — '  A 
woman's  hand,'  he  would  say,  *  and  the 
devil's  head!'  " 

Here  Captain  Spicer  shook  out  his  bony 
fingers  from  the  encumbering  ruffles  and 
contemplated  them  with  much  satisfaction. 
**  Oh,  hang  you,  Spicer,  be  quiet,  can't 
you!"  cried  Lord  Verney  petulantly. 
The  Captain  leant  back  on  his  chair  and 
began  to  pick  his  teeth  with  a  silver 
toothpick. 

**Pooh,  these  novices!"  said  he,  as  if  to 
himself.  "Keep  your  nerves  steady,  my 
lord,  or,  stab  me,  I  may  as  well  order  the 
mourning-coach  before  we  start.  He,  he! 
'Tis  well,  indeed,  you  have  a  friend  to 
stand  by  you!" 

[95] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


A  discreet  tap  was  heard  at  the  door,  and 
Lord  Verney's  impassive  new  servant  (es- 
pecially engaged  on  his  behalf  by  the 
Captain,  who  indeed,  some  ill-natured  wag 
had  it,  shared  his  wages  and  perquisites) 
stood  in  the  doorway. 
"  There  is  a  lady  downstairs,  my  lord," 
he  said  in  his  mechanical  voice.  "  She 
particularly  requests  to  see  your  lordship 
and  will  take  no  denial,  although  I  in- 
formed her  that  your  lordship  was  like 
to  be  engaged  until  late  in  the  morning." 
Lord  Verney  merely  stared  in  amazement; 
but  Captain  Spicer  sprang  up  from  his 
chair,  his  pale  eyes  starting  with  curiosity. 
"  A  lady.  Gad!  Verney,  you  dog,  what  is 
this?  A  lady,  Ned?  Stay,  is  she  tall  and  fair 
and  slight?" 

"  No,  sir,  she   is  under-sized,  and   seems 
plump,  though  she  is  wrapped  in  so  great 
a  cloak  I  could  hardly  tell." 
"  Pretty,  man?" 

"  Cannot  say,  sir,  she  wears  a  mask." 
"  A  mask?  He,  Verney,    Verney,  this  is 

[96] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

vastly  interesting!  And  she  won't  go  away, 

eh,  Ned?" 

"  No,  sir,  she   must  see  his  lordship,  she 

said,  if  only  for  five  minutes." 

"  Plump,  under-sized,  masked,"  ejaculated 

Captain  Spicerin  burning  perplexity  ."Gad, 

we   have  ten  minutes  yet,  we  will  have 

her  up,  eh,  Verney?  Show  her  up,  Ned." 

The  servant  withdrew,  unheeding  Lord 

Verney's  stammered  protest. 

"Really,    Captain    Spicer,"  said   he,  "I 

would  have  liked  to  have  kept  these  last 

ten  minutes  for  something  serious.  I  would 

have  liked,"  said  the  lad  with  a  catch  in 

his  voice  and  a  hot  colour  on  his  cheek, 

"  to  have  read  a  page  of  my  Bible  before 

starting,  were  it   only    for    my   mother's 

sake,  afterward." 

The  led  Captain  threw  up  hand  and  eye 

in  unfeigned  horror. 

"A  page  of  your  Bible!  Zounds!  If  it  gets 

out,  we  are  the  laughing-stock  of  Bath. 

A  page  of  your  Bible!   'Tis  well  no  one 

heard  you  but  I." 

[  97  1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Hush!"  said  Lord  Verney,  for  in  the 
doorway  stood  their  visitor.  'Twas  indeed 
a  little  figure,  wrapped  in  a  great  cloak, 
and  except  for  the  white  hand  that  held 
the  folds,  and  the  glimpse  of  round  chin 
and  cherry  lip  that  was  trembling  beneath 
the  curve  of  the  mask,  there  was  naught 
else  to  betray  her  identity,  to  tell  whether 
she  were  young  or  old,  well-favoured  or 
disinheritedo  But  it  was  a  charming  little 
hand,  and  an  engaging  little  chin. 
Lord  Verney  merely  stood  and  stared  like 
the  boy  he  was.  But  Captain  Spicer  leaped 
forward  with  a  spring  like  a  grasshopper, 
and  crossing  his  lean  shanks,  he  presented 
a  chair  with  the  killing  grace  of  which 
he  alone  was  master.  The  lady  entered 
the  room,  put  her  hand  on  the  back  of 
the  chair,  and  turned  upon  Captain  Spicer. 
"I  would  see  Lord  Verney  alone,  sir,"  she 
said.  It  was  a  very  sweet  voice,  but  it  was 
imperious.  The  masked  lady  had  all  the 
air  of  one  who  was  accustomed  to  instant 
obedience. 

[  98  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

In  vain  Captain  Spicer  leered  and  lan- 
guished; the  black  eyes  gleamed  from  be- 
hind the  disguise  very  coldly  and  steadily 
back  at  him.  Forced  to  withdraw,  he  en- 
deavoured to  do  so  with  wit  and  elegance, 
but  he  was  conscious  somehow  of  cutting 
rather  a  poor  figure;  and  under  the  un- 
known one's  hand  the  door  closed  upon 
him  with  so  much  energy  as  to  frustrate 
utterly  his  last  bow. 

Kitty  Bellairs  deliberately  turned  the  key 
in  the  lock,  and  put  it  in  her  pocket.  Lord 
Verney  started  forward,  but  was  arrested 
by  the  sound  of  his  own  name,  pronounced 
in  the  most  dulcet  and  plaintive  tone  he 
thought  he  had  ever  heard. 
"  Lord  Verney,"  said  Kitty,  flinging  back 
her  cloak  and  hood  and  allowing  her 
pretty  brown  curls,  and  a  hint  of  the  most 
perfect  shape  in  Bath,  to  become  visible  to 
the  young  peer's  bewildered  gaze.  "  Lord 
Verney,"  said  she,  and  clasped  her  hands, 
"a  very,  very  unhappy  woman  has  come  to 
throw  herself  upon  your  compassion/' 

[  99] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Madam,"  said  Lord  Verney,  "  what  can 
I  do  for  you?"  His  boyish  soul  was  thrilled 
by  these  gentle  accents  of  grief;  he  thought 
he  saw  a  tear  running  down  the  white 
chin;  the  rounded  bosom  heaved  beneath 
its  bewitching  disorder  of  lace.  He  glanced 
at  the  clock  and  back  at  the  suppliant  in 
a  cruel  perplexity.  "  Madam,"  said  he, 
"  time  presses;  I  have  but  a  few  minutes 
to  give  you.  Tell  me,  madam,  how  can  I 
serve  you?  To  do  so  will  be  a  comfort  to 
me  in  what  is  perhaps  the  last  hour  of  my 
life." 

The  lady  gave  a  cry  as  soft  as  a  dove's, 
and  as  plaintive. 

"  Oh,"  said  she,  "  it  is  true,  then,  what  I 
heard?"  and  the  white  hands  were  wrung 
together  as  in  extremest  anguish. 
*^  Madam,"  cried  he,  with  outspread  arms, 
and,  though  without  daring  to  touch  her, 
drawing  closer,  so  close  as  to  hear  the 
quick  catch  of  her  breath  and  to  inhale 
the  subtle  fragrance  of  violets  that  ema- 
nated from  her. 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

''  Oh,"  said  she, ''  it  is  true!"  She  staggered 
and  caught  at  the  fastenings  of  her  cloak 
and  threw  it  open. 

"  You  are  faint,"  he  cried,  strangely  moved; 
"let  me  call." 

But  she  caught  him  by  the  hand.  Her 
fingers  were  curiously  warm  for  one  seized 
with  faintness,  but  the  touch  of  them  was 
pleasant  to  the  young  man  as  never  wo- 
man's touch  had  been  before.  Out  flew 
the  fellow  hand  to  keep  his  prisoner,  and 
they  clung  round  his  great  boy's  wrist. 
He  never  knew  how,  but  suddenly  he  was 
on  his  knees  before  her. 
"  You  are  going  to  fight,"  said  she,  "  to 
fight  with  Sir  Jasper.  Oh,  my  God,  you 
do  not  know,  but  it  is  because  of  me,  and 
if  you  fight  it  will  break  my  heart." 
She  leant  forward  to  look  eagerly  at  him 
as  he  knelt.  Her  breath  fanned  his  cheek. 
Through  her  mask  he  saw  beautiful  black 
eyes,  deep,  deep.  How  white  the  skin  was 
upon  her  neck  and  chin — how  fine  its 
grain!  What  little  wanton  curls  upon  her 
[    lOI    1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

head!  What  a  fragrance  of  flowers  in  the 
air!  How  he  longed  to  pluck  that  mask 
away — and  yet  how  the  very  mystery 
lured  him,  held  him! 
"  Who  are  you?"  said  he,  in  a  low  quick 
whisper.  "  Let  me  see  your  face/' 
She  forbade  his  indiscreet  hand  with  a 
little  shriek. 

"  No,  no,  no,  you  must  never  see,  never 
know;  that  would  be  terrible." 
Then  he  placed  both  his  hands,  all  un- 
consciously, upon  hers,  and  then  she  caught 
them  both  and  held  them,  and  he  felt  that 
her  weak  grasp  was  to  him  as  strong  as  iron. 
"  Why  do  you  fight?"  said  she.  '*Tell  me." 
He  blushed. 

"Tis  for  nothing,  the  merest  misunder- 
standing. Sir  Jasper  is  mad,  I  think." 
"  Sir  Jasper  is  jealous,"  breathed  she,  and 
nearer  came  the  gaze  of  the  eyes.  "  Is  it 
true  that  you  love  Lady  Standish?" 
"  I?'  cried  he  vehemently,  and  rapped  out 
a  great  oath,  so  eager  was  he  to  deny.  "  I? 
No!  God  is  my  witness.  No!" 
[   I02  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^: 

"  Then  do  not  fight/'  said  she. 
He  wanted  to  look  at  the  clock;  he  wanted 
to  spring  up  and  rush  to  the  door;  he  was 
conscious  that  Spicer  was  knocking  gently, 
and  that  it  was  time  to  go  where  the  con- 
ventions of  honour  called  him.  The  soft 
clasp  held  him,  and  the  mysterious  eyes. 
He  was  a  very  boy,  and  had  never  loved 
before,  and — she  was  masked! 
"  Let  me  advise  you,"  said  she.  "  Believe 
me,  your  welfare  is  dearer  to  me  than  you 
can  imagine — dearer  to  me  than  I  ought 
to  tell  you.  Believe  me,  if  you  give  up 
this  duel  you  will  live  to  be.  glad  of  it. 
Sir  Jasper  will  thank  you  no  later  than 
this  very  day,  as  never  man  thanked  man 
before.  And  you  will  make  me  so  happy! 
Oh,  believe  me,  your  honour  is  safe  with 
me. 

"  Only  let  me  see  your  face,"  said  he, 
while  Spicer  knocked  louder.  "  I  will  see 
her,  and  kiss  her,"  he  thought  to  himself, 
"  and  that  will  be  something  to  carry  to 
my  death." 

[103  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  How  dare  you  ask  it?"  she  said.  "  Must 
I  grant  your  request  when  you  refuse  me 
mine?** 

"  And  if  I  grant  you  yours,"  said  he,  as 
his  heart  beat  very  fast,  "  what  will  you 
give  me?" 

"  Oh,  give,"  said  she,  "  give!  Who  cares 
for  gifts?  A  man  must  take."  Her  red  lip 
beneath  the  mask  here  became  arched  so 
bewitchingly  over  a  row  of  the  whitest 
teeth  in  all  the  world,  that  Harry  Verney, 
whose  head  had  been  rapidly  going,  lost 
it  and  his  heart  together. 
"  That  is  a  challenge,"  said  he,  drew  a 
hand  away  and  lifted  it  to  the  mask. 
"  Ah,  traitor!"  she  cried,  and  made  a 
dainty  start  of  resistance.  His  fingers 
trembled  on  the  soft  scented  locks. 
"  You  shall  not,"  said  she,  and  bent  her 
head  to  avoid  his  touch,  so  that  as  he 
knelt  their  faces  were  closer  together  than 
ever. 

"  Oh!"  cried   he,  and  kissed   her  on  the 
chin  beneath  the  mask. 
[   104  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 
SCENE  IX, 


Y  lord,"  clamoured  Cap- 
tain Spicer  at  the  door, 
"  the  coach  is  waiting 
and  we  have  buthalf-an- 
hour  to  reach  Bathwick 
Meadows.  Egad,  Lord 
Verney,  would  you  be 
last  at  the  meeting?" 

Lord  Verney  sprang  to  his  feet.  The  words, 
the  impatient  raps  penetrated  to  his  dizzy 
brain  with  sudden  conviction. 
"  Heavens!"  cried  he,  and  glanced  at  the 
clock,  and  made  a  leap  for  the  door. 
"  And  will  you    go,"  said  the   stranger, 
"without  having  seen  my  face?" 
He  ran  back  to  her  and  then  back  to  the 
door  again,  distracted,  as  you    may  see   a 
puppy  dog  between  two  calls.  Finally  he 
came  back   to   the  lady  with   a  new  and 
manly  dignity  upon  him.    • 
"  I  must  go,"  he  said.  "  Would  you  show 
yourself  as  kind  as  you    seem,    madam, 

[  105  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

remove  your  mask  that  I  may  see  you 
before  I  go." 

Outside  Captain  Spicer  was  dancing  a 
sort  of  hornpipe  of  impotent  impatience, 
and  filling  the  air  with  shrill  strange 
oaths. 

Mistress  Bellairs  put  the  lean  swarthy  boy 
very  composedly  on  one  side  by  the  merest 
touch  of  her  hand,  then  she  went  over  to 
the  door,  unlocked  it  and  admitted  Cap- 
tain Spicer,  green  and  sweating. 
"  I  am  coming,  Spicer,'*  cried  Lord  Ver- 
ney  desperately,  and  made  a  plunge  for 
his  hat  and  cloak,  murmuring  as  he  passed 
the  lady:  "  Oh,  cruel!'' 
Kitty  Bellairs  nibbled  her  little  finger  and 
looked  at  the  clock. 

"  It  will  not  take  you,  you  know,"  said 
she,  "  more  than  five  minutes  to  drive 
down  to  the  Bathwick  ferry,  therefore  if 
you  start  in  three  you  will  still  have 
twenty-six  to  spare.  My  Lord  Verney,  will 
you  give  me  those  three  minutes?" 
Lord  Verney  flung  aside  hat  and  cloak 
[   io6  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

again,  his  face  glowing  with  a  dark  flush. 
"  Oh/'  cried  he,  like  a  school-boy,  "  for 
God's  sake,  Spicer,  wait  outside!" 
"Nay,''  said   Mistress    Kitty,    smiling   to 
herself  under   her    mask,   "  nay,   I    have 
need  of  Captain  Spicer." 
Lord  Verney's  face  fell. 
**  Come  hither,"  said  she,  and  took  him 
crestfallen  by  the  hand  and  brought  him 
to  the  table,  where  lay  the  writing  mate- 
rials he  had  been  using  but  a  little  while 
ago.   "  Here,"  said   she,   "  is   a   sheet  of 
paper.    Sit    down,    my    lord,  and  write, 
write,"  she  said,  and  tapped  his  shoulder; 
"  write,  sir — thus: — 

**  *  Lord  Vemey  begs  to  inform  Sir  Jasper  Standish  that  he 
understands  the  grounds  of  the  quarrel  between  them  to  He  in 
a  gross  misconception  of  Lord  Verney's  feelings  for  Lady 
Standish.* 

"  Write,  write!"  She  leaned  over  him, 
dictating. 

Half  spellbound,  yet  protesting  incoher- 
ently, he  began  to  cover  the  page  with 
his  awkward  scrawl. 

[   107  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

**  Quick!''  said  she.  "  (Child,  how  do  you 
spell  quarrel?)  Never  mind,  on  with  you: 

*  Lord  Verney  begs  to  assure  Sir  Jasper  that,  so  far  from 
presuming  to  entertain  any  unlawfiil  sentiments  for  Lady  Stan- 
dish,  he  has  never  addressed  more  than  three  words  to  her 
or  as  many  glances  at  her  in  his  life;  that  his  whole  heart  is 
given  to  another  lady,  the  only  woman  he  has  ever  loved  and 
ever  will  love.'  *' 

The  pen  nearly  dropped  from  Lord  Ver- 
ney's  fingers.  He  started  and  turned  round 
on  his  chair  to  gaze  in  rapture  into  the 
countenance  of  his  mysterious  visitor,  and 
again  was  at  once  attracted  and  foiled  by 
her  mask. 

"  Surely  you  would  not  contradict  a  lady?" 
she  whispered  in  his  ear.  **  Haste,  we  have 
but  one  minute  more.  Here,  give  me  the 
pen,  I  will  finish."  She  snapped  the  quill 
from  his  hand,  her  curls  touched  his 
cheek  as  she  bent  forward  over  him  to 
the  page.  Swiftly  her  little  hand  flew: 

"  If  upon  this  explanation  Sir  Jasper  does  not  see  his  way  to 
retract  all  the  offensive  observations  he  made  to  Lord  Vemey, 
Lord  Verney  will  be  ready  to  meet  him  as  arranged  without 
an  instant's  delay.  The  truth  of  all  these  statements  is  guar- 
anteed by  the  woman  Lord  Vemey  loves.'* 

[io8] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


She  seized  the  sheet  and  folded  it. 
**  Now,  Captain  Spicer/'  said  she,  "  take 
your  coach  and  hie  you  to  Sir  Jasper's 
house,  and  if  you  bring  back  an  answer 
before  the  clock  strikes,  I  will  let  you 
take  off  my  mask,  and  that  will  save  you 
from  dying  of  curiosity  and,  also,  give 
you  something  to  tattle  about  for  the 
next  month.  Oh,  you  will  find  Sir 
Jasper,''  she  said  ;  "he  is  a  seasoned  hand, 
and  does  not,  like  your  virgin  duellist, 
make  it  a  point  of  honour  to  bring  his 
high  valour  to  the  rendezvous  twenty 
minutes  before  the  time." 
Within  his  meagre  body  Captain  Spicer 
carried  the  soul  of  a  flunkey.  He  would 
have  given  worlds  to  rebel,  but  could 
not. 

"  So  long  as  it  is  not  a  put-ofl^,"  said  he. 
"  Not  even  for  a  fair  one's  smile  could  I 
barter  a  friend's  honour." 
Kitty  held  the  letter  aloft  tantalizingly 
and  looked  at  the  clock. 
"If  you  won't  be  the  bearer,"  said  she, 
[   109  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"I  will  send  it  by  the  chairman,  and  then 
you  will  never  know  what  is  in  it.  More- 
over/' said  she,  and  smiled  archly,  "  if 
Sir  Jasper  apologizes  to  Lord  Verney, 
which,  upon  receipt  of  this  letter,  I  make 
no  doubt  he  will,  you  can  take  his  place, 
you  know,  and  will  not  be  done  out  of  a 
gallant  meeting/' 

"  Of  course,  ha,  of  course!  "  cried  Spicer 
with  a  yellow  smile. 

Laughing,  Mistress  Kitty  closed  the  door 
behind  his  retreating  figure. 
*'  Now,"  said  she. 

"  Oh,  what  have  you  done,  what  have 
you  made  me  do?''  cried  Harry  Verney 
in  a  sudden  agony. 

"  Hush,"  said  Mistress  Kitty.  "  Did  I  not 
tell  you  your  honour  was  safe  with  me  ? 
Do  you  not  believe  me?"  said  she  melt- 
ingly.  "Ah,  Verney!"  She  put  her  hand  to 
her  head,  and  at  her  touch  the  mask  fell. 
He  looked  at  her  face,  blushing  and 
quivering  upon  him,  and  once  more  fell 
on  his  knee  at  her  feet. 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"Oh,    tell    me   your   name!"   cried   he, 

pleadingly. 

"  Why,  Lord  Verney,"  she  said,  **  how 

ungallant!"    She  smiled  and  looked  be- 

witchingly  beautiful;  looked  serious  and 

reproachful,  and  he  fell  beyond  his  depths 

in  rapture. 

"Why,   you    know    me,   you  know   me 

well,"    said   she,    "  am    I    not     Mistress 

Bellairs,  Kitty  Bellairs — am  I  not  Kitty?" 

"  No,  no,"  cried  he,  "  I  never  knew  you 

till  this  hour,  madam.  Mistress  Bellairs, 

Kitty !  I   see  you,"   he   cried,  "  for   the 

first  time!  Oh,  God,  be  kind  to  me,  for  I 

love  her!" 

"  And  yet,"  she  whispered  archly,  "  they 

say  that  love  is  blind." 

Upon  this  he  kissed  her  as  he  had  kissed 

her  beneath    the   mask;  and  if  anything 

could  have  been   sweeter  than    the   first 

kiss  it  was  the  second. 

Ah,  love,  how  easy  an  art  to  learn,  how 

hard  to  unlearn! 

While    Harry    Verney    thus    forgot    the 

[  1"  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

whole  world,  his  first  duel,  and  the  code 
of  honour.  Sir  Jasper  sat  inditing  an  an- 
swer to  his  communication: — 

'*  Sir  Jasper  Standish  has  received  my  Lord  Vemey's  explana- 
toin  in  the  spirit  in  which  it  is  offered.  He  is  quite  ready  to 
acknowledge  that  he  has  acted  entirely  under  a  misapprehen- 
sion, and  begs  Lord  Verney  to  receive  his  unreserved  apolo- 
gies and  the  expression  of  his  admiration  for  Lord  Verney' s 
gallant  and  gentlemanly  behaviour,  together  with  his  congrat- 
ulations to  him  and  the  unknown  lady  upon  their  enviable 
situation." 

Captain  Spicer  did  not  offer  to  supply  his 
principal's  place  in  the  field.  Indeed,  he 
displayed  to  Sir  Jasper,  who  received  him 
with  the  most  gloomy  courtesy,  the  ex- 
treme suppleness  of  his  spine,  and  pressed 
his  unrivalled  snuff  upon  him  with  a  flut- 
tering and  ingratiating  air. 
When  he  returned  to  Pierrepoint  Street 
he  found  the  mysterious  stranger  already 
in  her  sedan.  Lord  Verney  leaning  through 
the  window  thereof,  engaged  in  an  earnest 
whispering  conversation.  Captain  Spicer 
jocularly  pulled  him  back  by  the  coat-tails 
and  inserted  his  own  foolish  face  instead. 

[  "2] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


The  lady  was  masked  and  cloaked  as  he 
had  left  her. 

"  Madam,  I  have  done  your  errand,"  said 
he.  *^It  was,''  said  he,  "a  matter  of  diffi- 
cult negotiation,  requiring — ahem — re- 
quiring such  tact  as  I  think  I  may  call 
my  own.  Sir  Jasper  was  vastly  incensed, 
one  might  as  well  have  tried  to  reason 
with  a  bull.  *  But  Gad,  sir,'  said  I,  *  would 
I,  Captain  Spicer,  come  with  this  message 
if  it  were  not  in  accordance  with  the 
strictest    rule    of    honourable    etiquette?' 

That  floored  him,  madam " 

Here  Mistress  Kitty  snapped  the  letter 
flickering  in  his  gesticulating  hand  with 
scant  ceremony,  turned  her  shoulder  upon 
him,  read  it  and  handed  it  out  to  Lord 
Verney,  who  had  lost  no  time  in  coming 
round  to  the  other  window. 
"  Now,"  said  she,  "bid  the  men  take  me 
to  the  Pump  Room."  She  leaned  her  head 
out,  and  Lord  Verney  put  his  close  to  hers, 
and  there  followed  another  conclave. 
"Madam,  madam,  I  demand  the  fulfilment 

[  "3] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


of  your  promise!*'  from  the  other  side 
came  Captain  Spicer's  clamouring  thin 
voice.  "  Verney,  my  good  fellow,  I  must 
request  you  to  retire,  there  is  a  compact 

between  this  lady  and  me '* 

**  A  compact?*'  said  the  mask  turning  her 
head. 

"  Oh,  madam,  the  vision  of  that  entranc- 
ing countenance!" 

He  strove  to  unfasten  the  chair  door,  when: 
"  What?"  cried  she,  **  and  rob  you  of  all 
the  charm  of  uncertainty  and  all  the  joy 
of  guessing  and  all  the  spice  of  being  able 
to  take  away  the  character  of  every  lady 
in  Bath!  Oh,"  she  said,  "  I  hope  I  have 
been  better  taught  my  duty  to  my  neigh- 
bour!" Out  went  her  head  again  to  Lord 
Verney;  there  was  another  whisper,  a  sil- 
ver laugh.  "  On,  men!"  she  cried. 
Lord  Verney  skipped  round  and  in  his 
turn  dragged  the  discomfited  Captain  out 
of  the  window  and  restrained  him  by 
main  force  from  running  after  the  retreat- 
ing chairmen  and  their  fair  burden. 

[   "4] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 
SCENE  X. 


ORD  MARKHAM  was 

a  person  of  indefinite  ap- 
pearance, indefinite  age 
and  indefinite  manners. 
He  wore  an  ill-fitting 
wig,  but  he  had  a  high 
reputation  as  a  man  of 
honour.  He  sat  beside  Sir  Jasper  on  the 
front  seat,  while  on  the  back  sat  Tom 
Stafford;  and  the  curricle  sped  cheerily 
along  the  up-and-down  Bath  streets  out 
into  the  country  budding  with  green,  down, 
down  the  hill,  to  Hammer's  Fields  by  the 
winding  Avon.  Sir  Jasper's  face  bespoke 
great  dissatisfaction  with  life  at  large,  and 
with  his  own  existence  in  particular.  Tom 
Stafford  was  beginning  to  feel  slightly 
bored. 

"'Tis  an  early  spring,"  said  Lord  Mark- 
ham,  in  the  well-meant  endeavour  to  be- 
guile away  the  heavy  minutes  and  distract 
his   principal's   mind.    "'Tis   very    mild 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


weather  for   the    time    of  year,  and    the 
lambs  are  forward/' 
"  Ugh!''  said  Sir  Jasper. 
"  Speak  not  to  him  of  lambs,"  whispered 
Stafford;   "  do  not  you   see  he   is  all  for 
blood  and  thunder?" 

Then  he  added  maliciously:  "  There  is 
but  one  animal  in  the  whole  fauna  that 
Sir  Jasper  takes  an  interest  in  at  present; 
and  that's  not  easy,  it  seems,  to  find  in 
these  purlieus,  though  we  know  it  does 
haunt  them;  'tis  the  red  dear!"  He  chuck- 
led, vastly  delighted  with  the  conceit. 
"  Let  us  hope  we  shall  not  have  rain,"  said 
Lord  Markham;  *' these  clouds  are  men- 
acing." 

"  Nay,  they  will  hold  up  for  half-an-hour. 
Enough  to  serve  our  purpose,"  growled 
Sir  Jasper,  and  tipped  the  horses  with  the 
lash  so  that  they  spurned  the  slope. 
"  But  we  shall  get  wet  returning,"  pleaded 
the  well-meaning  earl,  '*  I  said  so  all  along; 
'twould  have  been  better  to  have  gone  in 
a  coach,'* 


[  "6] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  I  vow/'  cried  Sir  Jasper  with  a  sudden 
burst  of  spleen,  "  I  vow  that  I  have 
it  in  my  heart  to  wish  that  Villiers' 
ball  may  speed  so  well  that  I  may  feel 
neither  rain  nor  shine,  coming  home 
again.  Home  again,"  said  he,  with  a 
withering  smile;  "  blast  it,  a  pretty  home 
mine  is!" 

"  And  a  pretty  cheerful  fellow  you  are  to 
bring  out  to  a  merry  meeting,"  quoth 
Stafford  from  the  back,  "  and  a  nice  pair 
of  fools  you  and  the  Colonel  be,  plague  on 
you  both!  And  when  you  are  shot,  'twill 
be  a  fine  satisfaction  to  think  that  your 
wife  can  console  herself  with  the  owner 
of  the  red  curl,  eh?  What  are  you  going 
to  fight  old  Villiers  about,  I  should  like 
to  know?" 

"  You  do  know,"  growled  Sir  Jasper,  then 
he  exploded.  "  You  goad  me,  sir;  do  / 
want  to  fight  Villiers?  Is  not  this  business 
the  merest  fooling;  sheer  waste  of  time 
when  the  real  fellow — villain! — has  eluded 
me?"  His  hold  on  the  reins  tightened,  he 

[  "7] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

laid  on  the  whip,  and  the  curricle  swayed 
as  the  horses  leaped  and  plunged. 
"  Really/'  said  Lord  Markham,  "  I  wish 
I  had  come  in  a  coach." 
And:  "  Hold  on/'  cried  Stafford,  "  hold 
on,  Jasper;  we  don't  all  want  to  leave  our 
bones  in  this  business." 
There  came  a  pause  in  the  conversation. 
They   bowled  along   a    more   level  road 
with  the  wind  humming   in  their   ears, 
and  the  rhythmic  trot  of  the  grays  beat- 
ing   a    tune.     Then    Stafford    remarked 
vaguely: 

"  I  have  a  notion  there  will  be  no  duel 
to-day  at  Hammer's  Fields,  Jasper,  that 
you  will  be  able  to  return  with  undimin- 
ished vigour  to  the  hunt  of  the  unknown 
culprit." 

"  How  now,"  cried  Sir  Jasper  fiercely, 
"  have  you  heard  from  Villiers?  Are  they 
all  rats  nowadays?  Verney  first,  then  that 
Spicer,  then  the  Colonel?  No,  no,  the 
fellow  was  mad  with  me,  sir;  and — Gad! 
— the  offence  was  mine!  " 
[  "8  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"Nevertheless,"  said  Stafford  unmoved, 
**  I  happen  to  know  that  Colonel  Villiers' 
man  was  sent  in  all  haste  for  his  physician. 
Sir  George  Waters,  at  such  an  uncon- 
scionable hour  this  morning,  that  Sir 
George  despatched  the  apothecary  in  his 
stead,  and  the  apothecary  found  our  fire- 
eating  Colonel  roaring  in  a  fit  of  the 
most  violent  gout  'tis  possible  to  imagine. 
So  violent,  indeed,  that  poor  Mr.  Wiggin- 
botham  was  soundly  beat  by  the  Colonel 
for  not  being  Sir  George.  Villiers*  foot 
is  as  large  as  a  pumpkin,  old  Foulks  tells 
me ;  I  had  it  all  from  Foulks  over  a  glass 
of  water  in  the  Pump  Room  this  morn- 
ing, and  zooks,  sir,  his  false  teeth  rattled 
in  his  head  as  he  tried  to  describe  to  me 
the  awful  language  Colonel  Villiers  was 
using.  He's  to  be  Villiers'  second,  you 
know,  but  he  swore  'twas  impossible, 
rank  impossible,  for  any  man  to  put  such 
a  foot  to  the  ground." 
They  were  rounding  the  corner  of  Ham- 
mer's Fields    as  he  spoke,  and  Stafford's 

[  1^9] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

eyes  roaming  over  the  green  expanse  of 
grass  rested  upon  the  little  group  drawn 
up  toward  the  entrance  gate. 
"  Unless,"  he  went  on,  "  the  Colonel 
comes  upon  crutches.  No,  zounds!  ha, 
ha!  Jasper,  I  will  always  love  you,  man, 
for  the  capital  jokes  you  have  provided  of 
late.  Strike  me  ugly  if  the  old  fellow  has 
not  come — in  a  bath-chair!  " 
''  Really,"  said  Lord  Markham,  "  this  is 
very  irregular.  I  have  never  before  been 
privy  to  a  duel  where  one  of  the  com- 
batants fought  in  a  chair.  And  I  am  not 
sure  that  I  can  undertake  the  responsibility 
of  concluding  arrangements  in  such  cir- 
cumstances." 

"  Blasted  nonsense!"  said  Sir  Jasper  with 
all  his  former  urbanity  of  demeanour. 
He  flung  the  reins  to  his  man  as  he 
spoke,  and  clambered  down  from  the  cur- 
ricle. Stafford  had  gone  before  him  to 
the  gate  and  was  now  stamping  from  one 
foot  to  another  in  exquisite  enjoyment  of 
the  situation. 

[    120   ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

«  (Ha,  ha,  ha!)  Hello!  Morning,  Colonel, 
sorry  to  see  you  this  way!  (Ha,  ha!) 
Have  you  brought  another  bath-chair  for 
our  man?  Oh  come,  yes.  'Twon't  be  fair 
if  he  do  not  sit  in  a  bath-chair  too!  Say, 
Foulks,  you  wheel  one  chair,  FU  wheel 
the  other,  and  we  will  run  them  one  at 
the  other  and  let  them  fire  as  soon  as 
they  please.  Gad,  what  a  joke! '' 
Colonel  Villiers  turned  upon  his  volatile 
friend  a  countenance  the  colour  of  which 
presented  some  resemblance  to  a  well- 
defined  bruise  on  the  third  day;  it  was 
yellow  and  green  with  pain  where  it  was 
not  purple  with  fury. 
"  Mr.  Stafford,  sir,  these  jokes,  sir,  are 
vastly  out  of  place.  (Curse  this  foot!)  Mr. 
Foulks,  have  the  kindness  to  explain. 
.  .  Major  Topham,  explain  to  these  gen- 
tlemen that  I  have  come  out  to  fight,  sir, 
and  that  fight  I  will,  by  the  living  jingo!" 
He  struck  the  arm  of  the  chair  in  his 
fury,  gave  his  sufl^ering  foot  a  nasty  jar 
and  burst  into  a  howl  of  rage  and  agony. 

[    121    ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Stap  me,"  said  Stafford,  ''I'd  as  soon 
fight  an  old  bear!  Whisper,  Foulks,  is  he 
going  to  shoot  in  his  cage — beg  pardon,  I 
mean  his  chair?" 

"  Such  is  his  intention,"  said  Mr.  Foulks, 
grinning  nervously  as  he  spoke,  and  show- 
ing the  set  of  fine  Bond  street  ivory  al- 
ready referred  to  by  Mr.  Stafford.  "  But 
it  strikes  me  it  is  somewhat  irregular." 
"  Somewhat  irregular?"  ejaculated  Lord 
Markham.  '*  It  is  altogether  irregular.  I 
decline  to  have  anything  to  say  to  it." 
Sir  Jasper  remained  standing  gloomily 
looking  at  the  ground  and  driving  his 
gold-headed  malacca  into  the  soft  mud  as 
if  all  his  attention  were  directed  to  the 
making  of  a  row  of  little  tunnels. 
"  What  is  the  difficulty,  what  is  the  diffi- 
culty?" bellowed  Colonel  Villiers.  "  You 
wheel  me  into  position,  and  you  mark  the 
paces,  eight  paces,  Foulks,  not  a  foot  more, 
and  you  give  me  my  pistol.  What  is  the 
difficulty — blast  me,  blast  you  all,  I  say! 
What  is  the  difficulty?" 
[    122  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^. 

"  The  combatants  will  not  be  equal/'  sug- 
gested Major  Topham.  "  I  told  Villiers 
that  I  will  gladly  take  his  place/' 
"  No,  no,  no!"  screamed  the  old  man, 
turning  round,  and  then,  "  Oh!"  cried  he, 
and  screwed  up  his  face.  And  then  the  gout 
had  him  with  such  fury  that  he  gripped 
the  arms  of  his  chair  and  flung  back  his 
head  displaying  a  ghastly  countenance. 
"  I  remember,"  champed  old  Foulks,  "  the 
dear  Duke  of  Darlington  insisted  upon 
fighting  Basil  Verney  (that's  Verney's 
father,  you  know),  with  his  left  arm  in 
splints,  but  as  my  Lord  Marquis  of  Cran- 
broke,  his  Grace's  second,  remarked  to  me 

at  the  time " 

"  Oh,  spare  us  the  marquis!"  interrupted 
Stafford  brutally.  "  Let  us  keep  to  the  bus- 
iness on  hand,  if  you  please.  The  whole 
thing  is  absurd,  monstrous!  Look  here, 
Jasper,  look  here.  Colonel,  you  two  cannot 
fight  to-day.  How  could  you  be  equally 
matched  even  if  we  got  another  bath- 
chair  for  Jasper?  We  cannot  give  him  the 

[   ^^3  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

gout,  man,  and  'twould  be  too  dashed  un- 
fair. Gad,  Colonel,  you  would  shoot  too 
well  or  too  ill,  'twon't  do!  Come,  come, 
gentlemen,  let  us  make  a  good  business  out 
of  a  bad  one.  Why  should  you  fight  at 
all.?  Here's  Jasper  willing  to  apologize. 
(Yes  you  are,  Jasper;  hold  your  tongue 
and  be  sensible  for  once;  you  pulled  off 
his  wig,  you  know.  Gad,  it  was  not  pretty 
behaviour,  not  at  all  pretty!)  But  then. 
Colonel,  did  not  he  think  you  had  cut  him 
out  with  his  wife,  and  was  not  that  a  com- 
pliment? The  neatest  compliment  you'll 
ever  have  this  side  the  grave!  He  was  jeal- 
ous of  you.  Colonel;  faith,  I  don't  know 
another  man  in  Bath  that  would  do  you 
so  much  honour,  now-a-days." 
"  Oh,  take  me  out  of  this!"  cried  the  Col- 
onel, suddenly  giving  way  to  the  physical 
anguish  that  he  had  been  struggling  against 
so  valiantly.  "  Zounds,  I  will  fight  you  all 
some  day!  Take  me  out  of  this.  Where  is 
that  brimstone  idiot,  my  servant?  Take  me 
out  of  this,  you  devils!" 
[   124  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


Between  them  they  wheeled  his  chair  into 
the  road,  and  his  screams  and  curses  as  he 
was  lifted  into  the  coach  were  terrible  to 
hear. 

"  Lord,  if  he  could  but  call  out  the  gout!" 
cried  Stafford.  "  Look  at  him,  gentlemen! 
Ha!  he  has  got  his  footman  by  the  peri- 
wig. Oh,  'tis  as  good  as  a  play;  he  is  laying 
it  on  to  the  fellow  like  a  Trojan!  Why, 
the  poor  devil  has  escaped,  but  his  wig  is 
in  the  Colonel's  hands.  Ha,  ha,  he  has 
sent  it  flying  out  of  the  coach!  Off  they 
go;  what  a  voice  the  old  boy  has  got,  he 
is  trumpeting  like  an  elephant  at  the  fair! 
Well,  Jasper,  what  did  I  say?  No  duel 
to-day." 

**  Do  not  make  so  sure  of  that,"  said  Sir 
Jasper.  He  was  moving  toward  the  curri- 
cle as  he  spoke,  and  turned  a  sinister  face 
over  his  shoulder  to  his  friend. 
"  Oh,"  cried  the  latter,  and  fell  back  upon 
Markham,  "  the  fellow's  look  would  turn 
a  churn  full  of  cream!  No,  I  will  not 
drive  back  with  ye,  thankye.  Sir  Jasper,  I 

[  125] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

will  walk.  Devil  take  it/'  said  Stafford, 
"  I  don't  mind  a  little  jealousy  in  reason 
myself,  and  if  a  husband  has  been  given  a 
pair  of  horns,  I  don't  see  why  he  should 
not  give  somebody  a  dig  with  them;  but 
if  I  were  to  drive  home  in  that  company, 
Fd  have  no  appetite  for  dinner.  Come, 
gentlemen,  'tis  a  lovely  day,  let  us  walk." 
So  Sir  Jasper  rolled  home  alone,  and,  as 
his  coachman  observed  a  little  later,  as  he 
helped  to  unharness  the  sweating  horses, 
"  drove  them  cruel!" 


[126] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 
SCENE  XI. 


ADY    STANDISH    was 

one  of  those  clinging  be- 
ings who  seem  morally 
and  physically  to  be  al- 
ways seeking  a  prop.  Be- 
fore adversity  she  was 
prostrate,  and  when  his 
lordship  the  Bishop  of  Bath  and  Wells 
was  ushered  into  her  sitting-room,  half  an 
hour  after  Sir  Jasper's  departure  for  Ham- 
mer's Fields,  he  found  the  poor  lady 
stretched  all  her  length  upon  the  sofa,  her 
head  buried  in  the  cushions. 
"  Dear  me,''  said  his  lordship,  and  paused. 
He  was  a  tall,  portly,  handsome  gentleman 
with  sleek  countenance,  full  eye,  and  well- 
defined  waistcoat.  Could  human  weakness 
have  touched  him,  he  would  have  felt  a 
pride  in  those  legs  which  so  roundly  filled 
the  silk  stockings.  But  that  human  weak- 
ness could  ever  affect  the  Bishop  of  Bath 
and  Wells  was  a  thing  that  dignitary  (and 
[   127  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

he  gave  his  Maker  thanks  for  it)  felt  to 
be  utterly  inconceivable. 
"  Lady  Standish,"  said  the  Bishop;  then 
he  waved  his  hand  to  the  curious  servants. 
"  Leave  us,  leave  us,  friends,*'  said  he. 
Lady  Standish  reared  herself  with  a  sort 
of  desperate  heart-sickness  into  a  sitting 
posture  and  turned  her  head  to  look  dully 
upon  her  visitor. 

"  You  come  too  late,"  she  said;  "  my 
lord.  Sir  Jasper  has  gone  to  this  most  dis- 
astrous meeting." 

"My  dear  Lady  Standish,"  said  Dr.  Thur- 
low,  **  my  dear  child,"  he  took  a  chair 
and  drew  it  to  the  sofa,  and  then  lifted 
her  slight  languid  hand  and  held  it  be- 
tween his  two  plump  palms.  "  My  dear 
Lady  Standish,"  pursued  he,  in  a  purring, 
soothing  tone.  If  he  did  not  know  how  to 
deal  with  an  afflicted  soul  (especially  if 
that  afflicted  soul  happened  to  belong  to 
the  aristocracy  and  in  preference  inhabited 
a  young  female  body),  who  did?  "  I  came 
upon   the  very  moment    I   received  your 

[  128] 


^THE  BATH   COMEDY^ 

letter.  I  might  perhaps  have  instantly  done 
something  to  help  in  this  matter,  had  you 
been  more  explicit,  but  there  was  a  slight 
incoherence  .  .  .  very  natural!*'  Here 
he  patted  her  hand  gently.  "  A  slight  in- 
coherence which  required  explanations. 
Now  tell  me — I  gather  that  your  worthy 
husband  has  set  forth  upon  an  affair  of 
honour,  eh?  Shall  we  say  a  duel?" 
Lady  Standish  gave  a  moaning  assent. 
"  Some  trifling  quarrel.  Hot-headed  young 
men!  It  is  very  reprehensible,  but  we  must 
not  be  too  hard  on  young  blood.  Young 
blood  is  hot!  Well,  well,  trust  in  a  merci- 
ful Providence,  my  dear  Lady  Standish. 
You  know,  not  a  sparrow  falls,  not  a  hair 
of  our  heads,  that  is  not  counted.  Was  the 
— ah — quarrel  about  cards,  or  some  such 
social  trifle?" 

"  It  was  about  me,"  said  the  afflicted  wife 
in  a  strangled  voice. 

"  About  you,  my  dear  lady!"  The  clasp  of 

the  plump  hand  grew,  if  possible,  a  trifle 

closer,  almost  tender.  Lady  Standish  was 

[   129  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

cold  and  mLserable,  this  warm  touch  con- 
veyed somehow  a  vague  feeling  of  strength 
and  comfort. 

"  About  me,"  she  repeated,  and  her  lip 
trembled. 

"  Ah,  is  it  so?  And  with  whom  does  Sir 
Jasper  fight?" 

"With  Colonel  Villiers,"  said  she,  and 
shot  a  glance  of  full  misery  into  the  be- 
nign large-featured  face  bending  over  her. 
"  Colonel  Villiers,"  repeated  the  Bishop, 
in  tones  of  the  blankest  astonishment. 
"  Not — eh,  not — er,  old  Colonel  Villiers?" 
"  Oh,  my  lord,"  cried  Lady  Standish,  "  I 
am  the  most  miserable  and  the  most  inno- 
cent of  women!" 

"  My  dear  madam,"  cried  the  Bishop,  "  I 
never  for  an  instant  doubted  the  latter." 
His  hold  upon  her  arm  relaxed,  and  she 
withdrew  it  to  push  away  the  tears  that 
now  began  to  gather  thick  and  fast  on  her 
eyelashes.  The  Bishop  wondered  how  it 
was  he  had  never  noticed  before  what  a 
very   pretty    woman  Lady  Standish    was, 

[   130  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

what  charming  eyes  she  had,  and  what 
quite  unusually  long  eyelashes.  It  was 
something  of  a  revelation  to  him,  too,  to 
see  so  fair  and  fine  a  skin  in  these  days  of 
rouge  and  powder. 

"  And  yet,"  sobbed  Lady  Standish,  "  'tis 
my  fault  too,  for  I  have  been  very  wrong, 
very  foolish!  Oh,  my  lord,  if  my  husband 
is  hurt,  I  cannot  deny  'tis  I  shall  bear  the 
guilt  of  it." 

"  Come,  tell  me  all  about  it,"  said  the 
Bishop,  and  edged  from  his  chair  to  her 
side  on  the  sofa,  and  re-possessed  himself 
of  her  hand.  She  let  it  lie  in  his;  she  was 
very  confiding.  "  We  are  all  foolish,"  said 
Dr.  Thurlow,  "we  are  all,  alas!  prone  to 
sin."  He  spoke  in  the  plural  to  give  her 
confidence,  not  that  such  a  remark  could 
apply  to  any  Bishop  of  Bath  and  Wells. 
"  Oh,  I  have  been  very  foolish,"  repeated 
the  lady.  **I  thought,  my  lord,  I  fancied  that 
my  husband's  affection  for  me  was  waning." 
"  Impossible!"  cried  his  lordship.  But  he 
felt  slightly  bewildered. 

[  131  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"And  so,  acting  upon  inconsiderate  ad- 
vice, I — I  pretended — only  pretended,  in- 
deed, my  lord — that  I  cared  for  someone 
else,  and  Sir  Jasper  got  jealous,  and  so  he 
has  been  calling  everybody  out,  thinking 
that  he  has  a  rival." 

"  Nevertheless,"  said  the  Bishop,  "  he  has 
no  rival.  Do  I  understand  you  correctly, 
my  dear  child?  These  suspicions  of  his  are 
unfounded?  Colonel  Villiers?" 
"  Colonel  Villiers,"  cried  she,  "  that  old, 
stupid  red-nosed  wretch!  No,  my  lord, 
indeed,  there  is  no  one.  My  husband  has 
my  whole  heart!"  She  caught  her  breath 
and  looked  up  at  him  with  candid  eyes 
swimming  in  the  most  attractive  tears. 
"Colonel  Villiers!"  cried  she.  "Oh,  how 
can  you  think  such  a  thing  of  me?  But 
my  husband  will  not  believe  me;  indeed, 
indeed,  indeed  I  am  innocent!  He  was 
jealous  of  Lord  Verncy,  too,  and  last  night 
fought  Mr.  O'Hara." 
The  Bishop  smiled  to  himself  with  the 
most  benign  indulgence.   His  was  a  soul 

[  132  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

overflowing  with  charity,  but  it  was  chiefly 
when  dealing  with  the  foibles  of  a  pretty 
woman  that  he  appreciated  to  the  full 
what  a  truly  inspired  ordinance  that  of 
charity  is. 

"  My  dear  child,  if  I  may  call  you  so, 
knowing  your  worthy  mother  so  well, 
you  must  not  grieve  like  this.  Let  me  feel 
that  you  look  upon  me  as  a  friend.  Let 
me  wipe  away  these  tears.  Why,  you  are 
trembling!  Shall  we  not  have  more  trust 
in  the  ruling  of  a  merciful  Heaven?  Now 
I  am  confident  that  Sir  Jasper  will  be  re- 
stored to  you  uninjured  or  with  but  a  tri- 
fling injury.  And  if  I  may  so  advise,  do 
not  seek,  my  dear  Lady  Standish,  in  the 
future  to  provoke  his  jealousy  in  this 
manner;  do  not  openly  do  anything  which 
will  arouse  those  evil  passions  of  anger 
and  vengeance  in  him." 
**  Oh,  indeed,  indeed,"  she  cried,  and 
placed  her  other  little  hand  timidly  upon 
the  comforting  clasp  of  the  Bishop's,  "in- 
deed I  never  will  again!" 

[  ^33  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  And  remember  that  in  me  you  have  a 
true  friend,  my  dear  Lady  Standish.  Allow 
me  to  call  myself  your  friend/' 
Here  there  came  a  sound  of  flying  wheels 
and  frantic  hoofs  without,  and  the  door- 
bell was  pealed  and  the  knocker  plied  so 
that  the  summons  echoed  and  re-echoed 
through  the  house. 

"  Oh,  God!'*  screamed  Lady  Standish 
springing  to  her  feet,  "  they  have  returned! 
Oh,  heavens,  what  has  happened?  If  he  is 
hurt  I  cannot  bear  it,  I  cannot — I  cannot!*' 
She  clasped  her  head  wildly  and  swayed 
as  if  she  would  have  fallen.  What  could 
a  Christian  do,  a  gentleman  and  a  shepherd 
of  souls,  but  catch  her  lest  she  fall?  Half 
mad  with  terror  she  turned  and  clung  to 
him  as  she  would  have  clung  to  the  near- 
est support. 

"  Have  courage,"  he  purred  into  the  little 
ear;  "  I  am  with  you,  dear  child,  have 
courage." 

So  they  stood,  she  clasping  the  Bishop 
and  the  Bishop  clasping  her,  patting  her 

[  134  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

shoulder,    whispering   in    her  ear,   when 

Sir  Jasper  burst  in  upon  them. 

It  was   his  voice  that  drove  them  apart, 

yet   it   was    neither    loud    nor    fierce,   it 

was  only  blightingly  sarcastic. 

"  So!"  said  he. 

What  was  it  Stafford  had  said:  "There's 

the  Bishop  of  Bath  and  Wells.  He's  red, 

as  red  as  a  lobster,  from  top  to  toe!  They 

have  a  way,  these   divines."   Oh,  Stafford 

knew  doubtless:  all  Bath  knew!  Sir  Jasper 

cursed   horribly   in   his   heart,  but    aloud 

only  said:  '*  So!" 

Lady  Standish  flew  half  across  the  room 

to  him  with  a  joyful  cry,  but  was  arrested 

midway   by   his  attitude,   his  look.    The 

Bishop  said  "Ahem"  and  "ahem"  again, 

and  then  said  he: 

"I  rejoice,  I  rejoice.  Sir  Jasper,  to  see  you 

return  unscathed.  Lady  Standish  has  been 

greatly  distressed." 

"  And  you,"  said  Sir  Jasper,  drily,  "have 

been  consoling  her." 

"To  the  best  of  my  poor  power,"   said 

[  ^35] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


the  Bishop,  and  felt,  he  knew  not  why  (if 
indeed  it  were  possible  for  him  to  feel  that 
way!)  a  shade  uncomfortable. 
Sir  Jasper  closed  the  door  and  bowed. 
"  I  think,"  said   he,  "  I    ought   to  crave 
pardon  for  this  intrusion." 
"  Oh,  Sir  Jasper!"  cried  my  lady. 
Her  husband  turned  toward  her  for  a  sec- 
ond. She  wilted  beneath  his  eye  and  sank 
into  a  chair. 

"Oh,  Sir  Jasper,"  said  she,  maundering, 
"  the  Bishop  has  been  very  kind.  I  have 
been  so  unhappy  about  you." 
"I  see,"  said  Sir  Jasper,  "that  his  lord- 
ship has  been  very  kind.  His  lordship,  as 
I  said,  has  been  administering  consolation." 
Here  all  at  once   his  stoniness  gave  way. 
He  walked  toward  the  Bishop  and  bent  a 
ghastly  face  close    to  the  florid  uneasily 
smiling  countenance. 
"  My  lord,"  said  Sir  Jasper,  "your  cloth 
will  not  protect  you." 
"  Sir!"  ejaculated  the  divine. 
"Your  cloth  will  not  protect  you!"  repeated 

[  136] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Sir  Jasper  in  that  voice  of  strenuous  com- 
posure that  seems  to  tremble  on  a  shriek. 
"  Oh,  shepherd,  youP* 
"  Sir!"  cried  the  Bishop,  "  do  you  mean 

to  insinuate '* 

*<  I  insinuate  nothing,"  cried  the  other  and 
sneered.  "  So,  madam,"  he  turned  again  to 
his  wife,  "  this  is  your  choice,  eh?  You 
were  always  a  pious  woman,  were  you 
not?  You  would  like  to  have  the  approval 
of  the  Church  upon  your  acts,  would  you 
not?"  Indescribable  was  the  sarcasm  upon 
his  lip. 

**  Really,"  said  the  Bishop,  "  I  am  seri- 
ously annoyed."  He  looked  reproachfully 
at  Lady  Standish.  "  Madam,"  said  he,  "  I 
came  to  you,  as  you  know,  in  pure  char- 
ity, in  unsuspecting  friendship.  I  was  not 
prepared  for  this." 

"  Ha,  ha,"  said  Sir  Jasper  with  a  hideous 
laugh.  "  No,  sir,  I  have  no  doubt  you  were 
not  prepared  for  this.  Pure,  ha — unsus- 
pecting— this  is  pleasant!  Be  silent, madam, 
these  groans,  these  crocodile  tears,  have  no 

[   137  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

effect  upon  me.  Come,  my  Lord  Bishop, 
your  sanctimonious  airs  cannot  take  me  in. 
Have  I  not  read  your  letter?  Oh,  you  have 
got  a  very  line  head  of  hair,  but  I  know 
.  .  .  there  is  a  curl  missing!  Ha,  Julia, 
you  should  take  better  care  of  your  love- 
tokens.'* 

"  I  vow,"  said  Dr.  Thurlow,  majestically, 
"  that  your  behaviour,  your  words  are 
quite  beyond  my  poor  comprehension. — 
Madam,  I  pity  you  from  my  heart! — Sir 
Jasper,  sir,"  folding  his  arms  fiercely, 
"  your  servant.  I  wish  you  good-morn- 
ing." He  strode  to  the  door,  his  fine  legs 
quivering  with  indignation  beneath  their 
purple  silk  meshes. 

"  No!"  said  Sir  Jasper,  and  seized  him 
roughly  by  the  skirts.  "  No,  you  do  not 
escape  me  thus!" 

"  How  now!"  cried  the  Bishop,  the  veins 
on  his  forehead  swelling,  and  the  nostrils 
of  his  handsome  Roman  nose  dilating. 
"  Would  you  lay  hands  upon  the  Lord's 
anointed?  Let  go  my  coat.  Sir  Jasper!" 

[  138] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^! 

He  struck  at  Sir  Jasper's  retaining  hand 
with  his  own  plump  fist  clenched  in  a 
fashion  suggestive  of  pulpit  eloquence. 
"  Ha!  you  would,  would  you?''  exclaimed 
Sir  Jasper,  and  leaped  at  the  Episcopal 
throat. 

The  next  instant,  to  his  intense  astonish- 
ment. Sir  Jasper  found  himself  in  an  iron 
grip;  lifted  into  the  air  with  an  ease  against 
which  all  hjs  resistance  was  as  that  of  a 
puppet;  shaken  till  his  teeth  rattled,  and 
deposited  on  the  flat  of  his  back  upon  the 
floor. 

"  Oh,  help,  help,  help!"  screamed  Lady 
Standish. 

"  Really,"  said  the  Bishop,  "  I  don't  know 
when  I  have  been  so  insulted  in  my  life. 
'Tis  the  whole  Church,  sir,  the  Church  of 
England,  the  State  itself,  that  you  have  as- 
saulted in  my  person!" 
He  stood  glaring  down  on  the  prostrate 
foe,  breathing  heavy  rebuke  through  his 
high  dignified  nose. 
"You  have  committed  blasphemy,  simony, 

[   139  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


sacrilege,  rank  sacrilege/'  thundered  Dr. 
Thurlow. 

Sir  Jasper  gathered  himself  together  like 
a  panther,  and  sprang  to  his  feet;  like  a 
panther,  too,  he  took  two  or  three  stealthy 
steps  and,  half  crouching,  measured  the 
muscular  Bishop  with  bloodshot  eyes,  se- 
lecting the  most  vulnerable  portion  of  an- 
atomy. He  panted  and  foamed.  The  air 
was  thick  with  flying  powder. 
Lady  Standish  flung  herself  between  them. 
"  In  mercy,  my  lord,"  she  cried,  "  leave 
us — leave  us!" 

Here  the  door  opened  and  butler  and  de- 
lighted footmen  burst  into  the  room. 
The  Bishop  turned  slowly.  The  grace  of 
his  vocation  prevailed  over  the  mere  man. 
"May  Heaven  pardon  you,"  he  said.  "  May 
Heaven  pardon  you,  sir,  and  help  you  to 
chasten  this  gross  violence  of  temper.  And 
you,  madam,"  said  he,  turning  witheringly 
upon  the  unfortunate  and  long-suffering 
lady,  "  may  you  learn  womanly  decorum 
and  circumspection!" 

[  140  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  You  shall  hear  from  me  again,"  growled 
Sir  Jasper,  murderously.  —  "  Toombs," 
cried  he  to  the  butler  with  a  snarl,  "  show 
the  Bishop  the  door!" 
The  Bishop  smiled.  He  wheeled  upon 
them  all  a  stately  back,  and  with  short 
deliberate  steps  withdrew,  taking  his  cane 
from  the  footman  with  a  glassy  look  that 
petrified  Thomas,and  refusing  Mr.Toombs' 
proffered  ministrations  as  he  might  have 
waved  aside  a  cup  of  poison.  "  Vade  retro 
SatanaSy'  he  seemed  to  say;  and  so  de- 
parted, leaving  his  pastoral  curse  voice- 
lessly  behind  him. 


[  HI  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE  XII. 


OW  beautiful  you  are!" 
said  Lord  Verney. 
He  was  sitting  on  a  stool 
at  Mistress  Bellairs'  feet. 
She  had  abandoned  to 
him  one  plump  taper- 
fingered  hand.  The  gay 
little  parlour  of  the  Queen  Square  house 
was  full  of  sunshine  and  of  the  screeching 
ecstasy  of  Mistress  Kitty's  canary  bird. 
"  How  beautiful  you  are!"  said  he;  it  was 
for  the  fourth  time  within  the  half-hour. 
Conversation  between  them  had  languished 
somehow. 

Kitty  Bellairs  flung  a  sidelong  wistful  look 
upon  her  lover's  countenance.  His  eyes, 
gazing  upward  upon  her,  devoured  her 
beauty  with  the  self-same  expression  that 
she  had  found  so  entrancing  earlier  in  the 
day.  "  Deep  wells  of  passion,"  she  had 
told  herself  then.  Now  a  chill  shade  of 
misgiving  crept  upon  her. 

[  142] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY-^ 

"  His  eyes  are  like  a  calf's/'  she  said  to 
herself  suddenly. 

•  •  •  •  • 

"  How  beautiful "  thus  he  began  to 

murmur  once  again,  when  his  mistress's 
little  hand,  twitching  impatiently  from 
his  grasp,  surprised  him  into  silence. 
"Oh  dear!  a  calf  in  very  truth,"  thought 
she.  "Baah  —  baa  ooh  .  .  .  What 
can  I  have  seen  in  him?  'Twas  a  sudden 
pastoral  yearning  .  .  !" 
"  May  I  not  hold  your  hand?"  said  he, 
shifting  himself  to  his  silken  knees  and 
pressing  against  her. 

Yet  he  was  a  pretty  boy  and  there  was  a 
charm  undoubted  in  the  freshness  of  this 
innocence  and  youth  awakening  to  a  first 
glimmer  of  man's  passion. 

"  Delightful  task "  she  quoted  under 

her  breath,  and  once  more  vouchsafed  him, 
with  a  sweep  like  the  poise  of  a  dove,  her 
gentle  hand. 

As  it  lay  in  his  brown  fingers,  she  con- 
templated it  with  artistic  satisfaction  and 

[  143  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

played  her  little  digits  up  and  down,  ad- 
miring the  shape  and  colour  of  the  nails, 
the  delicate  dimples  at  the  knuckles.  But 
Lord  Verney's  great  boy's  paw  engulfed 
them  all  too  quickly,  and  his  brown  eyes 
never  wavered  from  their  devout  contem- 
plation of  her  countenance. 

"  How " 

Mistress  Kitty  sprang  to  her  feet. 
"  I  vow,"  she  cried,  "  'tis  my  hour  for  the 
waters,  and  I  had  clean  forgot  them!" 
She  called  upon  her  maid: 
"  Lydia,  child,  my  hat! — Lord  Verney,  if 
it  please  you,  sir,  your  arm  as  far  as  the 
Pump  Room."  ("  At  least,"  she  thought 
to  herself,  "all  Bath  shall  know  of  my 
latest  conquest.") 

She  tied  her  hat  ribbons  under  her  chin. 
"  How  like  you  the  mode?"  said  she. 
And,  charmed  into  smiles  again  by  the 
rosy  vision  under  the  black  plumes,  she 
flashed  round  upon  him  from  the  mirror. 
"Is  it  not,  perhaps,  a  thought  fly-away? 
Yet  'tis  the  latest.  What  says  my  Verney?" 

[  H4  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

The  poor  youth  vainly  endeavoured  to 
discriminate  and  criticise. 
"  It  is  indeed  a  very  fine  hat,"  said  he  . 
"and  there  seems  to  be  a  vast 
number  of  feathers  upon  it.'*  He  hesitated, 
stammered.  "  Oh,  what  care  I  for  modes! 

*Tis  you,  you " 

"  What  are  you  staring  at,  girl?"  cried 
Mistress  Bellairs  sharply,  to  her  Abigail. 
"  Out  with  you!" 

"Well,  my  Verney?"  said  she.  "Mercy, 
how  you  look,  man!  Is  anything  wrong 
with  my  face?" 

She  tilted  that  lovely  little  piece  of  per- 
ishable bloom  innocently  toward  him,  as 
she  spoke.  And  the  kiss  she  had  read  in 
his  eyes,  landed  with  unprecedented  suc- 
cess upon  her  lips. 

"  Why,  who  knows?"  thought  she,  with  a 
little  satisfied  smile,  as  she  straightened 
her  modish  hat.  "There  may  be  stuff  in 
the  lad,  after  all!" 

She  took  his  arm.  Dazed  by  his  own  au- 
dacity, he  sufl?ered  her  to  lead  him  from 

[  HS] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

the  room.  They  jostled  together  down  the 
narrow  stairs. 

"  How  beautiful  you  are!"  said  he;  and 
kissed  her  again  as  they  reached  the  som- 
bre dark-panelled  vestibule. 
"  Fie!''  said  she  with  a  shade  of  testiness 
and  pushed  him  back,  as  her  little  black 
page  ran  to  open  the  door. 
The  kiss,  like  his  talk,  lacked  any  height- 
ening of  tone — and  what  of  a  lover's  kiss 
that  shows  no  new  ardour,  what  of  a  vow 
of  love  that  has  no  new  colour,  no  fresh 
imagery?  But  the  trees  in  Queen  Square 
were  lightly  leafed  with  pale,  golden-green. 
The  sunshine  was  white-gold,  the  breeze 
fresh  and  laughing;  the  old  grey  town  was 
decked  as  with  garlands  of  Young  Love. 
"  He  is  but  new  to  it,"  she  argued  against 
her  fleeting  doubts,  "and  he  is,  sure,  the 
prettiest  youth  in  all  Bath." 
Love  and  Spring  danced  in  Mistress  Kitty's 
light  heart  and  light  heels  as  she  tripped 
forth.  And  Love  and  Spring  gathered  and 
strove  and  sought  outlet  in  Verney's  soul 

[  146] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

as  inevitably,  and  irresistibly,  and  almost 
as  unconsciously  as  the  sap  in  the  young 
shoots  that  swayed  under  the  caress  of  the 
breeze  and  amorously  unfurled  themselves 
to  the  sunlight. 

•  •••••• 

The  Pump  Room  was  cool  and  dim  after 
the  grey  stone  street  upon  which  the 
young  year's  sunshine  beat  as  fierce  as  its 
youth  knew  how.  The  water  droned  its 
little  song  as  it  welled  up,  faintly  steam- 
ing. 

"Listen  to  it,''  quoth  Mistress  Kitty. 
"  How  innocent  it  sounds,  how  clear  it 
looks! " 

With  a  smile  she  took  the  glass  trans- 
ferred to  her  by  Verney,  and :  "  Ugh!" 
said  she,  "  how  monstrous  horrid  it  tastes, 
to  be  sure!  'Tis,  I  fear,"  she  said,  again 
casting  a  glance  of  some  anxiety  at  her 
new  lover's  countenance,  "  a  symbol  of 
life." 

"  Yet,"  said  he,  "  these  waters  are  said  to 
be  vastly  wholesome." 

[   H7  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Wholesome !  "  cried  Mistress  Kitty, 
sipping  again,  and  again  curling  her  nose 
upward  and  the  corners  of  her  lips  down- 
ward, in  an  irresistibly  fascinating  grim- 
ace. "  Wholesome,  my  lord  !  Heaven  de- 
fend us!  And  what  is  that  but  the  last 
drop  to  complete  their  odiousness!  Whole- 
some, sir?  I  would  have  you  know  'tis 
not  for  wholesomeness  I  drink."  She  put 
down  her  glass,  undiminished  save  by  the 
value  of  a  bird's  draught.  "  Do  I  look 
like  a  woman  who  needs  to  drink  waters 
for  *  wholesomeness?  " 
"  Indeed,  no,"  floundered  he  in  his  be- 
wildered way. 

"  There  are  social  obligations,"  said  she, 
sententiously.  "  A  widow,  sir,  alone  and 
unprotected,  must  conform  to  common 
usage.  And  then  I  have  another  reason, 
one  of  pure  sentiment." 
She  cocked  her  head  and  fixed  her  mock- 
ing eye  upon  him. 

"  My  poor  Bellairs,"  said  she,  **  how  oft 
has  it  not  been  my  pleasure  and  my  duty 

[  148] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

to  fill  such  a  glass  as  this  and  convey  it  to 
his  lips?  In  his  last  years,  poor  angel, 
he  had  quite  lost  the  use  of  his  limbs!  '* 
Lord  Verney  had  no  answer  appropriate 
to  these  tender  reminiscences;  and  Mis- 
tress Kitty,  having,  it  seemed,  sufficiently 
conformed  to  the  usage  of  Bath,  as  well 
as  sacrificed  to  the  manes  of  the  departed, 
turned  briskly  round,  and  leaning  against 
a  pilaster  began  to  survey  the  room. 
"La!  how  empty!''  quoth  she.  "  'Tis  your 
fault  if  I  am  so  late,  my  lord.  Nobody,  I 
swear,  but  that  Fly te  woman,  your  odious 
Spicer,  sir — ha,  and  old  General  Tilney. 
Verily,  I  believe  these  dreadful  springs 
have  the  power  of  keeping  such  mummies 
in  life  long  after  their  proper  time.  'Tis 
hardly  fair  on  the  rest  of  the  world.  Why, 
the  poor  thing  has  scarce  a  sense  or  a  wit 
left,  and  yet  it  walks!  Heaven  preserve  us! 
why,  it  runs!"  she  cried  suddenly  with  a 
little  chirp,  as  the  unfortunate  veteran  of 
Dettingen,  escaping  from  the  guiding 
hands  of  his  chairman,  started  for  the  door 

[   H9  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


with  the  uncontrolled  trot  of  semiparalytic 
senility. 

"  And  that  reminds  me,"  said  Mistress 
Kitty,  "  that  Sir  George  is  most  particular 
that  I  should  walk  five  minutes  between 
every  glass.  Here  comes  your  estimable 
aunt,  Lady  Maria,  and  her  ear-trumpet, 
and  the  unfortunate  Miss  Selina.  I  protest, 
with  that  yellow  feather  she  is  more  like 
my  dear  dead  Toto  than  ever." 
"  Was  that  your  pet  name  for  your  hus- 
band?" murmured  Lord  Verney,  in  a  stran- 
gled whisper. 

"  Fie,  sir!"  cried  the  widow.  "  My  cock- 
atoo— I  referred  to  my  cockatoo."  She 
sighed  profoundly.  "  I  loved  him,"  she 
said. 

He  looked  at  her,  uncertain  to  which  of 
the  lamented  bipeds  she  referred. 
"  Selina,"  cried  Lady  Maria,  in  the  strident 
tones  of  the  deaf  woman  persuaded  of  her 
own  consequence  (the  voice  of  your  shy 
deaf  one  loses  all  sound  in  her  terror  of 
being  loud) — "Selina,  how  often  must  I 

[  'SO] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


tell  you  that  you  must  dip  in  my  glass 
yourself?  Who's  that  over  there?  Where 
are  my  eyeglasses?  Who's  that,  did  you 
say?  Mistress  Bellairs?  Humph!  And  who's 
she  got  with  her  in  tow  now?  Who  did 
you  say?  Louder,  child,  louder.  What 
makes  you  mumble  so?  Who?  Verney — 
Lord  Verney?  Why,  that's  my  newy.  Tell 
him  to  come  to  me  this  minute.  Do  you 
hear,  Selina,  this  minute!  I  won't  have  him 
fall  into  the  net  of  widow  Bellairs!" 
The  cockatoo  topknot  nodded  vehemently. 
Poor  Miss  Selina,  agitated  between  con- 
sciousness that  the  whole  Pump  Room 
was  echoing  to  Lady  Maria's  sentiments 
and  terror  of  her  patroness,  took  two  steps 
upon  her  errand,  and  halted,  fluttering. 
Lord  Verney  had  flushed  darkly  purple. 
Mistress  Kitty  hung  with  yet  more 
affectionate  weight  upon  his  arm  and 
smiled  with  sweet  unconsciousness.  For 
the  moment  she  was  as  deaf  as  Lady 
Maria. 
The   latter's    claw-like    hand    had   now 

[  ^51  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


disengaged  a  long-stemmed  eyeglass  from 
her  laces. 

"  'Tis  indeed,"  she  pronounced  in  her  com- 
manding bass,  "my  nevvy  Verney  with 
that  vile  Bellairs! — Nevvy!  Here,  I  say! 
— Selina,  fool,  have  you  gone  to  sleep?" 
An  echo,  as  of  titters,  began  to  circle 
round  the  Pump  Room.  The,  painted 
face  of  Lady  Flyte  was  wreathed  into  a 
smile  of  peculiar  significance,  as  she 
whispered  over  her  glass  to  her  particu- 
lar friend  of  the  moment.  Captain  Spicer. 
This  gentleman's  pallid  visage  was  il- 
lumined with  a  radiance  of  gratified  spite. 
His  lips  were  pursed  as  though  upon  a 
plum  of  super-delicious  gossip.  He  began 
to  whisper  and  mouthe.  Young  Squire 
Green  approached  the  couple  with  an 
eager  ear  and  an  innocent  noddy  face  that 
strove  to  look  vastly  wise. 
"I  assure  you,"  mouthed  the  Captain. 
"Was  I  not  there?' 

**In  his  bedroom?"  cried  Lady  Flyte  with 
a  shrill  laugh. 

[152] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


Lady  Maria's  cockatoo  crest  rose  more 
fiercely.  It  seemed  to  Kitty  Bellairs  as  if 
she  heard  the  old  lady's  jaws  rattle.  It  was 
certain  that  in  her  wrath  she  squawked 
louder  than  even  the  late  lamented 
Toto.  Then  Mistress  Kitty,  who,  to  say 
the  truth,  began  to  find  the  scene  a  little 
beyond  enjoyment,  fislt  the  young  arm 
upon  which  she  leaned  stiffen,  the  young 
figure  beside  her  rear  itself  with  a  new 
manliness. 

"Pray,  Mistress  Bellairs,"  said  my  Lord 
Verney,  he  spoke  loudly  and,  to  her  sur- 
prise, with  perfect  facility,  even  dignity, 
"will  you  allow  me  to  introduce  you  to 
my  aunt.  Lady  Maria  Prideaux? — Aunt 
Maria,"  said  he,  and  his  voice  rang  out 
finely,  imposing  a  general  silence,  "let 
me  present  Mistress  Bellairs.  This  lady 
has  graciously  condescended  to  accept  me 
as  her  future  husband.  1  am  the  happiest 
and  the  most  honoured  of  men." 
The  last  sentence  he  cried  out  still  more 
emphatically    than    the    rest,   and    then 

[  153] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

repeated  it  with  his  eye  on  Kitty's  suddenly 
flushed   cheek,  almost  in  a  whisper  and 
with  a  quiver  of  strong  emotion. 
The  astounded  Mistress  Kitty  rose  from 
her  deep  curtsey  with  a  swelling  heart. 
**The     dear    lad,"    she   said    to    herself. 
"The  dear,  innocent  chivalrous  lad!" 
There  was  almost  a  dimness  in  her  brill- 
iant   black    eye.    Her  emotion  was  of  a 
kind  she  had  never  known  before :  it  was 
almost  maternal. 

Under  stress  of  sudden  genuine  emotion, 
the  wit  of  intrigue  in  the  cleverest  woman 
falls  in  abeyance.  Mistress  Bellairs  found 
no  word  out  of  the  new  situation. 
Lady  Maria's  deafness  had  increased  to  an 
alarming  extent. 

"  Gratified,  Fm  sure,"  she  mumbled,  stuck 
out  her  dry  hand  and  withdrew  it  before 
Mistress  Bellairs  had  had  time  to  touch  it. 
"  My  future  wife,"  bawled  the  budding 
peer,  in  his  aged  relative's  ear. 
It  was  curious  to  note  how  old  Lady 
Maria  seemed  suddenly  to  have  become. 

[  154  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Huddled  in  herself  she  nodded  vacantly 
at  her  nephew. 

"  Thank  ye  for  asking,  child,"  said  she, 
"  but  the  waters  try  me  a  good  deal." 
Lord  Verney  attempted  another  shout  in 
vain. 

"  So  Sir  George  says,"  remarked  my  lady. 
"  'Tis  the  very  eye  of  my  poor  dear  Toto," 
thought  Mistress  Bellairs. 
Lord  Verney  looked  round  in  despair. 
Miss  Selina  thought  him  monstrous  hand- 
some and  gallant  and  her  poor  old-maid's 
heart  warmed  to  the  lover  in  him.  She 
approached  Lady  Maria  and  gently  lifted 
her  trumpet. 

Lady  Maria,  glad  enough  of  a  diversion, 
applied  it  to  her  ear  with  unwonted  affa- 
bility. 

"  What  is  it,  my  dear  ?  Any  sign  of  the 
Duchess  ?  " 

"Your  nephew,"  said  Miss  Selina  in 
modest  accents,  "  your  nephew,  my  Lord 
Verney,  wishes  to  inform  you  that  he  is 
about  to  contract  a  matrimonial  alliance 

[  '55] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

with  the  lady  he  has  just  introduced  to 
you." 

Miss  Selina  blushed  behind  the  mouth- 
piece as  she  made  this  announcement. 
Then  she  cried :  "  Oh,"  with  an  accent 
of  suffering,  for  Lady  Maria  had  rapped 
her  over  the  knuckles  with  the  instru- 
ment. 

"Matrimonial  fiddlesticks!"  said  Lord 
Verney's  aunt.  "Selina,  you're  a  perfect 
fool ! — Madam,"  remarked  the  wraith  of 
the  departed  cockatoo,  inclining  her  crest 
with  much  dignity  toward  the  blooming 
Kitty,  "I  wish  you  good-morning." 


[  156] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE   XIII. 


m 

M 

1 

^ 

T 

m 

m 

HERE  must  have  been 
a  curious  magic  in  the 
words,  *'My  future  wife," 
for  no  sooner  had  he 
pronounced  them  than 
Lord  Verney  became 
several  inches  taller,  a 
distinct  span  broader  and  quite  un- 
reasonably older.  In  fact,  from  boyhood 
he  had  stepped  to  man's  estate.  He 
looked  down  protectingly  at  the  little 
woman  hanging  on  his  arm.  The  serious- 
ness of  responsibility  settled  upon  his 
brow. 

"  Ah!  Verney,"  quoth  Mr.  Stafford,  flick- 
ing a  hot  brow,  as  he  dashed  in  out  of 
the  sunshine,  powdered  with  white  dust 
from  his  walk  and  still  bubbling  with 
laughter.  **Ah,  Verney,  playing  butterfly 
in  the  golden  hours  while  other  fellows 
toil  in  the  sweat  of  their  brow!  Jingo! 
lad,  but  you've  lit  on  the  very  rose  of  the 

[  ^57] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

garden.-^Mistress  Kitty  Bellairs,  I  kiss 
your  hand." 

At  this  Mistress  Kitty  felt  her  future 
lord's  arm  press  her  fingers  to  his  ribs, 
while  he  straightened  his  youthful  back. 
"Mr.    Stafford,"    began    he    in    solemn 

tones,  "  this  lady " 

But  she,  knowing  what  was  coming,  in- 
terrupted ruthlessly. 

"And  pray,  Mr.  Stafford,"  quoth  she, 
cocking  her  head  at  him  with  those  bird- 
like airs  and  graces  that  were  as  natural 
to  her  as  to  any  mincing  dove — Mistress 
Kitty  being  of  those  that  begin  by  mak- 
ing eyes  in  their  nurses'  arms,  before  they 
can  speak,  and  end  in  a  modish  lace  night- 
cap for  the  benefit  of  the  doctor — "  and 
whence  may  you  come  so  late,  and  thus 
heated?" 

"Whence?"  cried  Mr.  Stafford,  and  over- 
come by  the  humour  of  his  recollections, 
roused  the  solemn  echoes  of  the  Pump 
Room  by  his  jovial  laugh.  "  Ah,  you  may 
well   ask!  from  the  merriest  meeting  it 

[  158  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

has  ever  been  my  fate  to  attend.  Oh,  the 
face  of  him  in  his  chair,  between  his 
gout  and  his  temper  !  And  fire-eating 
Jasper  all  for  bullets ;  and  old  Foulks' 
teeth  ready  to  drop  out  of  his  head  at  the 
indecorousness  of  it  all! — Spicer,  man, 
aha !  hold  me  up. — Oh,  madam,"  cried 
Mr.  Stafford,  wiping  tears  of  ecstasy  from 
his  eyes  and  leaning  as  unceremoniously 
against  Spicer  as  if  the  latter's  lank  figure 
were  a  pilaster  specially  intended  for  his 
support — "  oh,  madam,  I  could  make  you 
laugh  had  I  the  breath  left  for  it." 
"  Indeed,"  cried  Mistress  Kitty,  plunging 
in  again,  as  it  became  evident  to  her  that 
Lord  Verney,  with  the  gentle  obstinacy 
that  was  part  of  his  character,  was  once 
more  preparing  to  make  his  nuptial  state- 
ment. "  Mr.  Stafford,  please  speak  then, 
for  in  sooth  it  seems  to  me  a  vastly  long 
time  since  I  have  laughed." 
'^  Gad!  you  actually  make  me  curious," 
put  in  Mr.  Stafford's  prop. 
"  Oh  dear,  oh  dear!  "  sighed  Mr.  Stafford, 

[   159  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

in  a  fresh  fit,  "  ha,  ha!  By  the  way,  Ver- 
ney,  weren't  you  also  to  have  walked 
with  the  jealous  husband  this  morning? — 
Ah,  by  the  same  token,  and  you  too, 
Spicer?  Gad.  Tm  glad  you  didn't,  for  if 
either  of  you  had  put  lead  in  him  I'd 
have  missed  the  best  joke  of  the  season. 
Gad,  I  may  say  so.  He,  he,  aha-ha, 
ho,  ho!  " 

"  Mr.  Stafford,"  said  my  Lord  Verney,  as 
solemn  as  any  owl,  while  Mistress  Kitty, 
caught  by  the  infection  of  the  genial  Staf- 
ford's mirth,  tittered  upon  his  arm,  "  I 
have  deeper  reason  than  you  think  of  to 
rejoice  that  the  absurd  misunderstanding 
was  cleared  up  between  Sir  Jasper  and  my- 
self. This  lady  and  I " 

"Oh  dear,  the  joke,  the  joke!"  cried  Mis- 
tress Bellairs,  with  loud  impatience,  and 
stamped  her  little  foot. 
"  Oh,  my  fair  Bellairs,"  gasped  Mr.  Staf- 
ford, "  had  you  but  been  there  to  share  it 
with  me!" 

"  This  lady "  quoth  Lord  Verney. 

[  i6o] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"I  wish   indeed  I   had  been!*'  cried  she. 
And  in  very  truth  she  did. 
"  Mistress  Bellairs,"  said  the  determined 
lover,  "  has   consented  to  make   me  the 
happiest  of  men." 

"  Eh?*'  cried  Mr.  Stafford,  and  stopped  on 
the  edge  of  another  guffaw. 
Mistress  Kitty  cast  down  her  eyelids.  She 
felt  she  looked  demure  and  almost  bashful, 
and  she  hated  herself  in  this  character. 
Mr.  Stafford  was  one  of  the  thirty-seven 
lovers  of  whom  the  lady  had  spoken  so 
confidently,  and  as  such  was  far  from  real- 
izing the  solemn  meaning  of  Lord  Ver- 
ney*s  announcement. 

"  Ah,  madam,"  cried  he  reproachfully, 
"  is't  not  enough  to  keep  me  for  ever  in 
Hades,  must  you  needs  add  to  my  torture 
by  showing  me  another  in  Paradise?  But, 
my  little  Verney,"  he  went  on,  turning 
good-naturedly  to  his  young  rival,  "  it  is 
but  fair  to  warn  you  that  you  will  be  wise 
to  pause  before  getting  yourself  measured 
for  your  halo:  the  Paradise  of  this  lady's 

[  i6i  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

favour  is  (alack,  do  I  not  know  it?)  of 
most  precarious  tenure." 
"  This  lady,  sir,"  said  Lord  Verney,  with 
rigid  lips,  "has  promised  to  be  my  wife." 
It  was  fortunate  that  Mr.  Stafford  had  a 
prop:  under  the  shock  he  staggered.  Man 
of  the  world  as  he  was,  the  most  guileless 
astonishment  was  stamped  on  his  counte- 
nance. 

Oh,  how  demure  looked  Mistress  Kitty! 
Spicer,  a  trifle  yellow,  became  eifusive  in 
congratulations  —  congratulations    which 
were  but  coldly  received  by  his  patron. 
"  Ah,  Kitty,"  whispered  Mr.  Stafford  in 
Mistress  Bellairs'  shell-like  ear,  "  do  you 
like  them  so  tender-green?  Why,  my  dear, 
the  lad's  chin  is  as  smooth  as  your  own. 
What  pleasantry  is  this?" 
Kitty  scraped  her  little  foot  and  hung  her 
head.    Mistress  Kitty  coy!    And  yon  poor 
innocent  with  his  air  of  proprietorship — 
'twas  a  most  humorous  spectacle! 
"  Fm  sure,  Verney,"  cried  Mr.  Stafford, 
"  I  wish  you  joy,   ha,  ha!  with    all   my 

[  162] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


heart!  And  you,  madam,  he,  he, — forgive 
me,  friends — the  thought  of  Sir  Jasper's 
duel  is  still  too  much  for  me.    Ha,  ha! 
Support  me,  Spicer." 

"  She'll  marry  him,  she'll   marry  him," 
cried   Spicer  with    bilious  vindictiveness, 
looking  over  his  shoulder  at  the  couple,  as 
they  moved  away. 

"  Marry  him! — never  she!"  cried  Stafford. 
"Kitty's  no  fool.  Why,  man,  the  little  de- 
mon wouldn't  have  me!  She  loves  her  lib- 
erty and  her  pleasure  too  well.  Did  you 
not  see?  She  could  not  look  up  for  fear  of 
showing  the  devilment  in  her  eye.  Cheer- 
ily, cheerily,  my  gallant   Captain!"  cried 
the  spark,  and  struck  the  reedy  shoulders 
that  had  buttressed  him,  in  contemptuous 
good-natured  valediction.  "  You  need  not 
yet  cast  about  for  a  new  greenhorn  to  sub- 
sist upon." 

•  •••••• 

Mistress  Kitty,  glancing  up  at  her  Calf, 
found,  something  to  her  astonishment  and 
further  displeasure,  a  new  expression  in  his 

[  163] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

eyes.  Ardour  had  been  superseded  by  an 
unseasonable  gravity. 

"  The  creature  is  a  complete  menagerie!" 
she  thought  to  herself,  indignantly.  "I 
vow  he  looks  like  nothing  but  an  owl  in 
the  twilightP* 

They  wandered  together  from  the  Pump 
Room  on  to  the  Abbey  Flags,  and  so, 
slowly,  into  the  cool  and  shady  Orange 
Grove;  and  in  a  sequestered  spot  they  sat 
them  down  on  a  stone  bench. 
"  When  a  man,''  said  he,  "has  been,  as  I 
have,  brought  face  to  face,  within  the  space 
of  one  short  morning,  with  the  great 
events  of  existence.  Death  and  Love,  how 
hollow  and  how  unworthy  do  the  mock 
joys  and  griefs  of  Society  appear  to  him!" 
"  Oh  la!"  said  she.  "  You  alarm  me.  And 
when  did  you  see  Death,  my  lord?" 
"  Why,"  said  he,  with  his  innocent  grav- 
ity, "  had  you  not  intervened,  my  dearest 
dear,  between  Sir  Jasper  and  me,  this 
morning,  who  knows  what  might  have 
happened.?" 

[  ^64] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"Oh,  that!"  said  she,  and  her  lip  curled. 
"  Ay,"  said  he,  "where  should  I  be  now, 
Kitty?  The  thought  haunts  me  in  the 
midst  of  my  great  happiness.  Had  I  killed 
Sir  Jasper,  could  I  have  looked  upon  my- 
self other  than  as  a  murderer?" 
"Oh,  fie,  fie,"  interpolated  his  mistress  im- 
patiently, "whoever  thinks  of  such  things 
in  little  matters  of  honour!" 
In  her  heart  she  told  herself  that  the  young 
man  showed  a  prodigious  want  of  savoir- 
vivre.  In  all  candour  he  proceeded  to  dis- 
play a  still  greater  lack  of  that  convenient 
quality. 

"  On  the  other  hand,  had  I  fallen,  and 
that  indeed  was  the  more  likely  contin- 
gency, it  being  my  first  affair  of  the  kind, 
I  tremble  to  think  in  what  state  my  soul 
would  have  appeared  before  its  Maker." 
His  voice  quivered  a  moment. 
"My  Lord  Verney,"  cried  Kitty,  turning 
upon  him  a  most  distressed  countenance, 
"you  have  no  idea  how  you  shock  me!  " 
And  indeed  he  had  not. 

[   i6s  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

He  took  her  distress  for  the  sweetest 
womanly  sympathy,  and  was  emboldened 
to  further  confidence. 
**I  blush  to  tell  you/'  he  said,  "that 
since  I  came  to  this  gay  Society  of  Bath, 
my  life  has  not  been  all  my  conscience 
could  approve  of.  The  pious  practices, 
the  earnest  principles  of  life  so  sedulously 
inculcated  in  me  by  my  dear  mother,  have 
been  but  too  easily  cast  aside.'* 
"  Oh  dear!  "  cried  Kitty  in  accents  of  yet 
greater  pain. 

"When  we  are  married,  my  dear  love," 
pursued  Lord  Verney,  quietly  encircling 
his  mistress's  little  waist  with  his  arm  as 
spoke,  but,  absorbed  as  he  was  in  his 
virtuous  reflections,  omitting  to  infuse  any 
ardour  into  his  embrace,  "we  shall  not 
seek  the  brilliant  world.  We  shall  find 
all  our  happiness  with  each  other,  shall 
we  not?  Oh,  how  welcome  my  dear 
mother  will  make  you  at  Verney  Hall ! 
It  has  always  been  her  dream  that  I  should 
marry  early  and  settle  on  the  estate." 
[  i66  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Little  shivers  ran  down  Kitty's  spine.  "Is 
it  your  intention  to  live  with  your  mother 
when  you  are  married? "  she  faltered,  and 
leaned  weakly  against  the  inert  arm. 
Enthusiastically  he  cried  that  the  best  of 
mothers  and  he  could  never  be  parted 
long. 

"Oh,  how  you  will  love  her!  '*  he  said, 
looking  fondly  at  the  Kitty  of  his  imagi- 
nation. 

"  From  your  tender  est  years  she  sedulously 
inculcated  in  you  earnest  principles  and 
pious  practices,  did  she  not?"  murmured 
the  Kitty  of  reality,  with  what  was  almost 
a  moan. 

"She  did  indeed,"  cried  the  youth. 
Mistress  Kitty  closed  her  eyes  and  let  her 
head  droop  upon  his  shoulder. 
"  I  fear  I  am  going  to  have  the  vapours," 
said  she. 

"'Tis,  maybe,  the  spring  heats,"  said  he, 
and  made  as  if  he  would  rise. 
"  Maybe,"  said  Mistress  Kitty,  becoming 
so  limp  all  at  once  that  he  was  forced  to 

[  167  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

tighten  his  clasp.  He  glanced  at  her  now 
in  some  alarm.  She  half  opened  bright 
eyes,  and  glimmered  a  languid  little  smile 
at  him. 

"  At  least,"  thought  the  widow,  "  if  we 
must  part  (and  part  we  must,  my  Calf 
and  I)  we  shall  part  on  a  sweet  moment. 
What,  in  a  bower,  every  scent,  every 
secret  bird  and  leaf  and  sunbeam  of  which 
calls  on  thought  of  love,  and  I  by  his 
side,  he  to  prate  of  his  mother!  And  at 
least  he  not  bleat  of  my  beauty  again, 
my  name  is  not  Kitty! '' 
She  sighed  and  closed  her  eyes.  The  deli- 
cate face  lay  but  a  span  from  his  lips. 
**I  fear  indeed  you  are  faint,'*  said  he 
with  solicitude.  "My  mother  has  a  sove- 
reign cordial  against  such  weakness.'* 
Mistress  Bellairs  sat  up  very  energetically 
for  a  fainting  lady. 

"Your  mother  .    .    .  ,"  she  began  with 
a  flash  of  her   eye,  then   checked  herself 
abruptly.  "Adieu,  Verney,"  said  she,  and 
stretched  out  her  hand  to  him. 
[  i68] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"Adieu!''  he  repeated,  all  bewilderment. 
"Ay/'  said  she,  "there  chimes  the  Abbey- 
its  silly  old  air.   How  long  have   I   been 
with  you,  sir,  alone?  Fie,  fie,  and  must  I 
not  think  of  my  reputation?" 
"Surely,  as  my  future  wife  .   .   ."  said  he. 
"Why   then  the  more  reason,"  she  said 
cutting  him  short;  "must  I  not  show  my- 
self duly    discreet?  Think  of  your   lady 
mother!  Come,  sir,  take  your  leave." 
A  moment  she  was  taunting;  a  moment 
all  delicious  smiles. 

"I'll  make  him  bleat!"  she  thought,  and 
stamped  her  foot  upon  it. 
"As  far  as  your  door?"  said  he. 
"Not   a  step,"   she  vowed.    "Come,    sir, 
adieu." 

He  took  her  hand;  bent  and  kissed  her 
sedately. 

"I  will,"  said  he,  "go  write  the  news  to 
my  mother." 

"Oh  go!"  said  she  and  turned  on  her  heel 
with  a  flounce  and  was  out  of  sight, 
round    the    corner   of  an  alley,   with  a 

[  169  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

whisk  and  flutter  of  tempestuous  petti- 
coats, before  his  slow  boy's  wits  had 
time  to  claim  the  moment  for  the  next 
meeting. 

There  were  actually  tears  in  Mistress 
Kitty's  eyes  as  she  struck  the  gravel  with 
her  cane.  She  rubbed  her  cherry  lips 
where  his  kiss  had  rested  with  a  furious 
hand. 

"  Twas  positively  matrimonial/'  she  cried 
within  herself,  with  angry  double-threaded 
reminiscence  — "  the  Calf!  Did  ever 
woman  spend  a  more  ridiculous  hour — 
and  in  Heaven's  name,  what's  to  be  done?" 


[  170  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE  XIF, 


ENIS  O'HARA  appro- 
priately lived  in  Gay 
Street.  As  all  the  world 
knows.  Gay  Street  runs 
steeply  from  the  green 
exclusiveness  of  Queen 
Square,  to  the  lofty  ele- 
gance, the  columnal  solemnity  of  the 
King's  Circus.  Being  a  locality  of  the  most 
fashionable.  Gay  Street  was  apt  to  be  de- 
serted enough  at  those  hours  when  Fash- 
ion, according  to  the  unwritten  laws  of 
Bath,  foregathered  in  other  quarters. 
Toward  eight  o'clock  of  the  evening  of 
the  day  after  his  duel  with  Sir  Jasper,  Mr. 
Denis  O'Hara,  seated  at  his  open  window, 
disconsolate  in  a  very  gorgeous  dressing- 
gown  and  a  slight  fever  fit,  found  it  indeed 
so  damnably  deserted  that  the  sight  of  a 
sedan-chair  and  two  toiling  chairmen 
coming  up  the  incline  became  quite  an 
object  of  interest  to  him. 


THE  BATH   COMEDY 


"  To  be  sure,"  thought  he,  "  don't  I  know 
it's  only  some  old  hen  being  joggled  home 
to  roost,  after  losing  sixpence  and  her  tem- 
per at  piquet.  But  sure,  what's  to  prevent 
me  beguiling  myself  for  a  bit  by  dream- 
ing of  some  lovely  young  female  coming 
to  visit  me  in  me  misfortune?  Sure,  it's  the 
rats  those  fellows  are,  that  not  one  of 
them  would  keep  me  company  to-night! 
There's  nobody  like  your  dear  friends  for 
smelling  out  an  empty  purse.  Musha!" 
said  Mr.  O'Hara,  putting  his  head  out  of 
the  window,  "if  the  blessed  ould  chair 
isn't  stopping  at  me  own  door!" 
A  bell  pealing  through  the  house  con- 
firmed his  observation. 
"  It's  a  woman!  By  the  powers,  it's  a 
woman!  Tim,  Tim,  ye  divil!"  roared  Mr. 
O'Hara,  "  come  to  me  this  minute,  or  I'll 
brain  ye." 

Conscious  of  his  invalid  neglige^  he  rose 
in  his  chair;  but,  curiosity  proving  stronger 
than  decorum,  was  unable  to  tear  himself 
from  his  post  of  vantage  at  the  window. 

[    172  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"  Oh!  the  doaty  little  foot!"  he  cried  in 
rapture,  as  arched  pink-silk  instep  and  a 
brocade  slipper  of  daintiest  proportion 
emerged,  in  a  little  cloud  of  lace,  from 
the  dim  recesses  of  the  chair,  upon  his 
delighted  vision. 

He  turned  for  a  moment  to  bellow  again 
into  the  room: 

"  Tim,  you  limb  of  Satan,  where  are  you 
at  all?  Sure,  I'm  not  fit  to  be  seen  by  any 
lady,  let  alone  such  a  foot  as  that!" 
When  he  popped  his  head  once  more 
through  the  window,  only  the  chairmen 
occupied  the  street. 

"It's  for  the  ground  floor,  of  course:  for 
the  French  marquis,"  said  O'Hara,  and  sat 
down,  feeling  as  flat  as  a  pancake. 
The  next  instant  a  knock  at  the  door  sent 
the  quick  blood  flying  to  the  red  head. 
The  "  limb  of  Satan,"  more  generally 
known  as  Tim  Mahoney,  an  ingratiating, 
untidy  fellow,  with  a  cunning  leer  and  a 
coaxing  manner,  stood  ogling  his  master 
on  the  threshold;  then  he  jerked  with  his 

[   173  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


thumb  several  times  over  his  shoulder,  and 
grinned  with  exquisite  enjoyment. 
"What  is  it?"  said  O'Hara  fiercely. 
Tim  winked,  and  jerked  his  thumb  once 
more. 

"Speak,  ye  ugly  divil,  or  by  heavens  Fll 
spoil  your  beauty  for  you!  " 
"  Your  sisther! "  cried  Tim,  with  a  rum- 
bling subterraneous  laugh. 
"  Me  sisther,  man? " 

"  Ay,  yer  honour,"  said  the  scamp,  who, 
as  O'Hara's  foster-brother,  was  well  aware 
that  his  master  boasted  no  such  gentle 
tie.  "  Sure  she's  heard  your  honour's 
wounded,  and  she's  come  to  visit  you. 
*  I'm     Misther     O'Hara's     sister,'      says 

she " 

"  And  am  I  not? "  cried  a  sweet  voice 
behind  him,  "or,  if  not,  at  least  a  very, 
very  dear  cousin,  and,  in  any  case,  I  must 
see  Mr.  O'Hara  at  once,  and  alone." 
"  To  be  sure,"  cried  O'Hara,  eagerly 
rising  in  every  way  to  the  situation,  and 
leaping  forward    "  Show  in  the  lady,  you 

[  174] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


villain! — Oh,  my  darling!  '*  cried  the 
Irishman,  opening  generous  arms,  "  but 
I  am  glad  to  see  ye! — Tim,  you  scoundrel, 
shut  the  door  behind  you!  " 
The  visitor  was  much  enveloped,  besides 
being  masked.  But  there  was  not  a 
moment's  hesitation  in  the  ardour  of  Mr. 
O'Hara's  welcome. 

"Sir,  sir!  "  cried  a  faint  voice  from  behind 
the  folds  of  lace,  '*  what  conduct  is  this?  " 
**  Oh,  sisther  darling,  sure,  me  heart's 
been  hungering  for  you!  Another  kiss, 
me  dear,  dear  cousin!  " 
"  Mr.  O'Hara!  "  cried  Mistress  Bellairs, 
in  tones  of  unmistakable  indignation ; 
tore  off  her  mask,  and  stood  with  panting 
bosom  and  fiery  eye. 

"  Tare  and  ages! "  exclaimed  the  in- 
genuous Irishman.  "  If  it  isn't  me  lovely 
Kitty! " 

"  Mistress  Bellairs,  if  you  please,  Mr. 
O'Hara,"  said  the  lady  with  great  dignity. 
"  I  am  glad  to  see,  sir,  that  that  other 
passion  of  which  I  have  heard  so  much 

[  '75  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


has  not  interfered  with  the  strength  of 
your  family  affections." 
She  sat  down,  and  fanned  herself  with 
her  mask,  and,  looking  haughtily  round 
the  room,  finally  fixed  her  gaze,  with 
much  interest,  upon  the  left  branch  of 
the  chandelier. 

For  a  second,  Mr.  0*Hara's  glib  tongue 
seemed  at  a  loss ;  but  it  was  only  for  a 
second.  With  a  graceful  movement  he 
gathered  the  skirts  of  his  fine-flowered 
damask  dressing-gown  more  closely  over 
the  puce  satin  small  clothes,  which,  he 
was  sadly  conscious,  were  not  in  their  first 
freshness,  besides  bearing  the  trace  of  one 
over-generous  bumper  of  what  he  was 
fond  of  calling  the  ruby-wine.  Then, 
sinking  on  one  knee,  he  began  to  pour  a 
tender  tale  into  the  widow's  averted  ear. 
"And  it's  the  fine  ninny  ye  must  think 
me,  Kitty  darling — I  beg  your  pardon, 
darling ;  ma'am  it  shall  be,  though  I  vow 
to  see  ye  toss  your  little  head  like  that, 
and    set    all     those    elegant    little   curls 

[  176] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


dancing,  is  enough  to  make  anyone  want 
to  start  you  at  it  again.  Oh,  sure,  it's  the 
divine  little  ear  you  have,  but,  be  jabers, 
Kitty,  if  it's  the  back  of  your  neck  you 
want  to  turn  on  me — there,  now,  if  I  was 
to  be  shot  for  it,  I  couldn't  help  it — with 
the  little  place  there  just  inviting  my  lips.'* 
"  Keep  your  kisses  for  your  sister,  sir,  or 
your  cousin!  " 

"  What  in  the  world And  d'ye  think 

I  didn't  know  you? " 

"A  likely  tale!  " 

"  May  I  die  this  minute  if  I  didn't  know 

you  before  ever  you  were  out  of  the  ould 

chair!  " 

"Pray,  sir,"  with  an  angry  titter,  "how 

will  even  your  fertile  wits  prove  that?" 

"  Sure,  didn't  I  see  the  little  pink  foot  of 

you  step  out,  and  didn't  I  know  it  before 

ever  it  reached  the  ground? " 

"Lord  forgive  you!  "  said  Mistress  Kitty 

gravely.   But  a  dimple  peeped. 

He  had   now  possessed  himself  of  her 

hand,  which  he  was  caressing   with   the 

[  ^11 .1 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


touch  of  the  tentative  lover,  tenderer  than 
a  woman's,  full  of  mute  cajoling  inquiry. 
"  I  hope  the  Lord  may  forgive  me  for 
setting  up  and  worshipping  an  idol.  I 
believe  there's  something  against  that  in 
the  commandments,  darling,  but  sure, 
maybe,  old  Moses  wouldn't  have  been  so 
hard  on  those  Israelites  if  they'd  had  the 
gumption  to  raise  a  pretty  woman  in  the 
midst  of  them,  instead  of  an  old  gilt 
Calf" 

At  this  word.  Mistress  Kitty  gave  a  per- 
ceptible start. 

"  Oh,  dear,"  said  she,"  never,  never  speak 
to  me  of  that  dreadful  animal  again!  Oh, 
Denis,"  she  said,  turning  upon  him  for 
the  first  time  her  full  eyes,  as  melting  and 
as  pathetic  just  then  as  it  was  in  their 
composition  to  look,  "  I  am  in  sad,  sad 
trouble,  and  I  don't  know  what  to  do!" 
Here  she  produced  a  delicate  handker- 
chief, and  applied  it  to  her  eyelashes, 
which  she  almost  believed  herself  had  be- 
come quite  moist. 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Me  jewel!"  cried  Mr.  O'Hara,  prepar- 
ing to  administer  the  first  form  of  conso- 
lation that  occurred  to  him. 
"  Be  quiet,"  said    Mistress    Kitty  testily. 
"  Get    up,    sir!    I    have   to    consult  you. 
There,  there,  sit  down.  Oh,  I  am  in  ear- 
nest, and  this  is  truly  serious." 
Mr.  O'Hara, though  with  some  reluctance, 
obeyed.  He  drew  his  chair  as  near  to  the 
widow's  as  she  would  permit  him,  and 
pursed  his  lips  into  gravity. 
"You  know  my  Lord  Verney,"  began  the 
fascinating  widow. 

"I  do,"  interrupted  the  irrepressible  Irish- 
man, "and  a  decent  quiet  lad  he  is,  though, 
devil  take  him,  he  makes  so  many  bones 
about  losing  a  few  guineas  at  cards  that 
one  would  think  they  grew  on  his  skin!" 
"  Hush,"  said  she.  "/  can't  abide  himV^ 
Mr.  O'  Hara  half  started  from  his  armchair. 
"Say  but  the  word,"  said   he,  "and    Til 

run  him  through  the  ribs  as  neat  as " 

"  Oh,  be  quiet,"  cried  the  lady,  in  much 
exasperation.  "  How  can  you  talk  like  that 

[  ^79  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

when  all  the  world  knows  he  is  to  be  my 
husband!*' 

"  Your  husband!"  Mr.  O'Hara  turned  an 
angry  crimson  to  the  roots  of  his  crisp  red 
hair.  Then  he  stopped,  suffocating. 
"  But  I  don't  want  to  marry  him,  you 
gaby,"  cried  Mistress  Kitty,  with  a  charm- 
ing smile. 

Her  lover  turned  white,  and  leaned  back 
against  the  wing  of  his  great  chair.  The 
physician  had  blooded  him  that  morning 
by  way  of  mending  him  for  his  loss  of 
the  previous  night,  and  he  felt  just  a  little 
shaky  and  swimming.  Mistress  Kitty's  eye 
became  ever  more  kindly  as  it  marked 
these  flattering  signs  of  emotion. 
"The  noodle,"  said  she  vindictively, 
"mistook  the  purport  of  some  merely 
civil  words,  and  forthwith  went  about 
bleating  to  all  Bath  that  he  and  I  were 
to  be  wed." 

"  I'll    soon    stop    his   mouth    for    him," 
muttered  Mr.  O'Hara,  moved  to  less  re- 
finement   of    diction    than     he    usually 
[  i8o] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

affected.  "  Oh,  Kitty/'  said  he,  and  wiped 
his  pale  brow,  "  sure,  it's  the  terrible 
fright  you've  given  me!  " 
Here  Mistress  Bellairs  became  suddenly 
and  inexplicably  agitated. 
"  You  don't  understand,"  said  she,  and 
stamped  her  foot.  "  Oh,  how  can  I  ex- 
plain? How  are  people  so  stupid !  I  was 
obliged  to  go  to  his  rooms  this  morning 
— a  pure  matter  of  friendship,  sir,  on  be- 
half of  my  Lady  Standish.  Who  would 
have  conceived  that  the  calf  would  take 
it  for  himself  and  think  it  was  for  his 
sake  I  interfered  between  him  and  that 
madman.  Sir  Jasper!  'Tis  very  hard," 
cried  Mistress  Kitty,  **for  a  lone  woman 
to  escape  calumny,  and  now  there  is  my 
Lord  Verney,  after  braying  it  to  the 
whole  of  Bath,  this  moment  writing  to 
his  insufferable  old  mother.  And  there  is 
that  cockatoo  aunt  of  his  looking  out  her 
most  ancient  set  of  garnets  and  strass  for 
a  wedding  gift.  And,  oh  dear,  oh  dear ; 
what  am  I  to  do?" 

[  i8i  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

She  turned  over  the  back  of  her  chair,  to 
hide  her  face  in  her  pocket-handkerchief. 
In  a  twinkling,  O'Hara  was  again  at  her 
feet. 

"  Soul  of  my  soul,  pulse  of  my  heart!  " 
cried  he.  "  Sure,  don't  cry,  Kitty  darling, 
rU  clear  that  little  fellow  out  of  your 
way  before  you  know  where  you  are.'' 
"  Indeed,  sir,"  she  said,  flashing  round 
upon  him  with  a  glance  surprisingly 
bright,  considering  her  woe.  "And  is 
that  how  you  would  save  my  reputation  ? 
No,  I  see  there's  nothing  for  it,"  said 
Mistress  Kitty  with  sudden  composure, 
folding  up  her  handkerchief  deliberately, 
and  gazing  up  again  at  the  chandelier 
with  the  air  of  an  early  martyr,  "  there's 
nothing  for  it  but  to  pay  the  penalty  of 
my  good-nature  and  go  live  at  Verney 
Hall  between  my  virtuous  Lord  Verney 
and  that  paragon  of  female  excellence  and 
domestic  piety,  his  mother." 
"Now  by  Saint  Peter,"  cried  O'Hara, 
springing  to  his  feet,  "  if  I  have  to  whip 

[  182] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


you  from  under  his  nose  at  the  very  altar, 
and  carry  you  away  myself.  Til  save  you 
from  that,  me  darling!  " 
"  Say  you  so? "  cried  the  lady  with 
alacrity.  "  Then,  indeed,  sir,"  she  pro- 
ceeded with  sweetest  coyness,  and  pointed 
her  dimple  at  him.  "TU  not  deny  but 
what  I  thought  you  could  help  me,  when 
I  sought  you  to-night.  There  was  a 
letter,  sir,"  she  said,  "  which  yester 
morning  I  received.   'Twas  signed  by    a 

lock  of  hair " 

"  Ah,  Kitty!  "  cried  the  enraptured  and 
adoring  Irishman,  once  more  extending 
wide  his  arms. 

"Softly,  sir,"  said  she,  eluding  him. 
"  Let  us  to  business." 


[»83] 


X 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 

SCENE  XV. 


1 

i 

UT  you  must  understand," 
said  the  lady,  '*  that  you 
carry  me  off  against  my 
will." 

**To  be  sure,"  said  he. 
"Isn'tpoor  DenisO'Hara 
to  run  away  with  you 
merely  to  save  your  reputation?" 
"  So  if  I  scream,  sir,  and  give  you  a  scratch 
or  two,  you  will  bear  me  no  malice?" 
"  Bear  you  malice,  is  it?"  said  he,  stopping 
to  kiss  each  fingef-tip  of  the  hand  which 
he  contrived  somehow  should  never  be 
long  out  of  his  clasp.  "  Me  darling,  sure, 
won't  I  love  to  feel  your  little  pearls  of 
nails  on  my  cheek?" 

**  And  spare  no  expense  upon  chaise  or 
horses,"  said  she. 

"  Eh?"  cried  Mr.  O'Hara,  while  a  certain 
vagueness  crept  into  his  gaze.  "  Me  dear 
love,  the  best  that  money  can  produce — 
that    money    can    produce,"    said    Mr. 

[  184] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

O'Hara,  and  his  eye  rolled  under  the  stress 
and  strain  of  an  inward  calculation: 
("There's  my  grandfather's  watch;  I'm 
afeared  the  works  are  not  up  to  the  gold 
case,  but  it  might  run  to  four  guineas. 
And  there's  my  jewelled  snuff-box  that 
the  Chevalier  gave  my  father — no  dash  it, 
that's  gone!  There's  my  silver-hilted  sword 
— I  could  exchange  it  for  a  black  one  and 
perhaps  five  guineas.  And  there's  my  three 
sets  of  Mechlin.") 

While  he  cogitated,  the  lady  smiled  upon 
him  with  gentle  raillery;  then  she  popped 
her  hand  in  her  pocket  and  drew  forth  a 
well-filled  case. 

"And  did  you  think,"  said  she,  laying  the 
case  on  the  table,  "  that  I  would  have  the 
face  to  ask  a  rich  lover  to  elope  with  me?" 
"  Faith,"  said  he,  pursuing  now  aloud  his 
silent  addition,  "there's  the  gold  punch- 
bowl too!  I  vowed  as  long  as  I'd  a  drop 
to  mix  in  it  I'd  never  part  with  the  thing; 
but,  sure,  I  little  guessed  what  was  in  store 
for  me — that  will  make  twenty  guineas  or 

L  185  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^! 

more.  Put  up  your  money,  Kitty;  I'll  not 
consent  to  be  paid  for  carrying  you  off, 
except,"  said  he,  "by  your  sweet  lips/' 
"  Now  listen,  sir,"  she  cried,  lifting  up 
her  finger,  "you're  a  poor  man." 
"  I  am  that,"  said  he. 
"And  I,"  said  she,  "am  a  rich  woman." 
"Oh!"  cried  he,  "  Kitty,  my  darling,  and 
sure  that's  the  last  thing  in  the  world  I'd 
ever  be  thinking  of  now.  When  I  laid  my 
heart  at  your  feet,  my  dear,  'twas  for  your 
own  sweet  sake,  with  never  a  thought  of 
the  lucre.  What's  money  to  me,"  said  he, 
snapping  his  fingers,  "not  tiat,  Kitty  dar- 
ling! I  despise  it.  Why,"  he  went  on  with 
his  charming  infectious  smile,  "  I  never 
had  a  gold  piece  in  my  pocket  yet,  but  it 
burned  a  hole  in  it." 
She  listened  to  him  with  a  curious  ex- 
pression, half  contemptuous,  half  tender. 
Then  she  nodded. 

"  I  well   believe  you,"  said  she.  "  Come, 

come   Denis,  don't  be  a  fool.  Since  the 

money  is  there,  and  we  know  for  what 

[  '86] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


purpose,  what  matters  it  between  you  and 
me  who  puts  it  down/' 
<*  Ah,"  he  cried,  with  a  sort  of  shame, 
abandoning  his  light  tone  for  one  of  very 
real  emotion,  "you're  an  angel!  Fm  not 
worthy  of  you,  but  I'll  try,  Kitty,  Til  try." 
The  lady  looked  slightly  embarrassed. 
"  I  protest,  sir;  I  cannot  have  you  going 
on  your  knees  again,"  she  cried  sharply, 
"  and  it's  getting  late,  and  the  business  is 
settled,  I  think." 

"  Leave  it  to  me,"  said  he;  "  sure,  I  could 
do  it  blindfold." 

"  Have  the  post-chay  at  the  corner  of 
Bond  Street  and  Quiet  Street,  'tis  the  dark- 
est in  Bath,  I  think." 
"  Ay,  and  the  relay  at  Devizes,  for  we'll 
have  to  push  the  first  stage." 
"  And  after?"  said  she,  and  looked  at  him 
doubtingly. 

"  And   after  that — London.    And  sure  I 
know  an  old  boy  in  Covent  Garden  that 
will  marry  us  in  a  twinkle." 
She  nibbled  her  little  finger.  The  rapture 

1 187] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

evoked  on  his  countenance  by  this  last 
prospect  was  not  reflected  upon  hers. 
"  But  you  forget,"  said  she,  "  that  I  am 
to  be  abducted  against  my  will,  and  what 
will  people  say  if  I  marry  you  at  the  end 
of  the  journey  without  more  ado?" 
"Oh,  faith,"  said  he,  without  a  shade  of 
uneasiness,  "  shouldn't  I  be  a  poor  fellow 
if  I  did  not  contrive  to  persuade  you  on 
the  way.  And  then,  what  would  the  world 
say  if  you  did  not  marry  me  after  travel- 
ling all  night  with  such  a  wild  Irish  devil? 
Sure,"said  he,  with  a  wink,  "what  else  could 
a  poor  woman  do  to  save  her  reputation?" 
"True,"  said  she,  musingly,  and  tapped 
her  teeth. 

She  tied  on  her  mask  once  more  and  drew 
up  her  hood,  passive,  in  her  mood  of  deep 
reflection,  to  his  exuberant  demonstrations. 
At  the  door  she  paused  and  looked  back 
at  him,  her  eyes  strangely  alluring  through 
the  black  velvet  peep-hole,  her  red  lips 
full  of  mysterious  promise  beneath  the 
black  lace  fall. 

[  i88  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"  And  I  never  asked/'  said  she,  in  a  melt- 
ing tone,  "  after  your  wound?  Does  it  hurt 
you?  Will  you  be  able,  think  you,  to  face 
the  fatigues  to-morrow  night?" 
"Ah,  I  have  but  one  complaint,  Kitty," 
he  cried,  "and  that's  my  mortal  passion 
for  you.  And  when  a  man's  weak  with 
love,"  he  said,  "sure  it's  then  he's  the 
strength  of  twenty." 

"  Not  a  step  further,"  said  she,  "  than  this 
door.  Think  of  the  chairmen  and  Bath 
gossip.  Good-night." 


[189] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 


SCENE  XVI. 


twi  t-^kiJ^~  *  ""^i^^i^l 

r^  \fMS*^^s2!^7  ^-fXofiim  II 

A 

» 

ND  now,  child,  what's 
the  town  talk?"  said  Mis- 
tress Bellairs. 
The  nights  were  chilly, 
and  a  log  crackled  on  the 
hearth.  Kitty,  in  the  most 
charming  des h a billiy 
stretched  a  pink  slippered  foot  airily  to- 
wards the  blaze. 

"La,  ma'am,"  said  Miss  Lydia,  as 
with  nervous  fingers  she  uncoiled  one 
powdered  roll  and  curl  after  another, 
"all  the  morning  the  gossip  was  upon 
Sir  Jasper's  meeting  with  Colonel  Vill- 
iers    at   Hammer's    Fields.    And  all  the 

afternoon "  she  paused  and  poised  a 

brush. 

"All  the    afternoon?   Speak,  child.   You 

know,"  said  her  mistress  piously,  "  that  I 

had  to  spend  my  evening  by  the  side  of  a 

dear  sick  friend." 

"Well,  ma'am,"  said  the  maid,  "the  talk 

[   190  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

is  all  about  your  own  marriage  with  the 
young  Lord  Verney." 
**  Mercy,  girl/'  cried  the  lady  with  a  little 
scream,  "you  needn't  hit  my  head  so  hard 
with    those    bristles!    What's  taken   you? 
And  what  do  people  think  of  that?" 
"  Why,  ma'am,"  said  the  Abigail,  wield- 
ing her  brush  more  tenderly,  and  permit- 
ting her  irritation  to  betray  itself  only  in 
the  sharp  snap   of  her  voice,  "  my  Lord 
Verney's  man  says  he  pities   anyone  that 
will  have  to  go  and  live  with  her  old  la'- 
ship  at  Verney  Hall." 
"  Ha!"  said  Kitty,  and  gave  herself  a  con- 
gratulatory smile  in  the  handglass. 
"And    Mr.    Burrell,  ma'am,  that    Lady 
Maria    Prideaux's  butler,  and   a  wise  old 
gentleman  he   is,  he  says  the  marriage'U 
never  take   place,  ma'am,  for   neither  his 
own  la' ship,  nor  the  lady  at  Verney  Hall, 
would  allow  of  it,  ma'am." 
"  Oh,    indeed?"    cried    Mistress  Bellairs, 
stiffening  herself,  "  that's  all  they  know 
about  it!  Lydia,  you  untruthful,  impertinent 

t  191  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

girl,  how  dare  you  tell  me  such  a  story?" 
"I'm  sure  I  beg  your  pardon,  ma'am," 
said  Lydia,  sniffing.  "  I'm  sure  I  up  and 
told  Mr.  Burr  ell  that  if  you'd  set  your 
heart  on  wedding  such  a  poor  ninny  as 
Lord  Verney — I  beg  pardon,  ma'am,  I'm 
sure  he'll  be  a  very  nice  young  nobleman, 
when  his  beard  begins  to  grow — 'twas  not 
likely  a  deaf  old  cat  like  his  mistress  could 
prevent  him.  And  I  told  Lord  Verney's 
man,  ma'am — and  an  impudent  fellow  he 
is — that  you'd  soon  teach  the  dowager  her 
place,  once  you  were  mistress  in  Verney 
Hall." 

"Well,  well,"  said  the  lady,  mollified, 
"  and  what  says  the  rest  of  your  Bath 
acquaintance?" 

"  Squire  Juniper's  head  coachman  says 
his  master'U  drink  himself  to  death,  as 
sure  as  eggs,  on  the  day  that  sees  you  an- 
other's, ma'am.  He's  been  taking  on  ter- 
rible with  Madeira  ever  since  he's  heard 
the  news.  And  the  Marquis'  running  foot- 
man, he  says  *  that  Lady  Flyte'U  have  it 

[   192  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

all  her  own  way  with  his  lordship  now, 
and  more's  the  pity,  for,'  says  he,  *  her 
la'ship's  not  fit  to  hold  a  candle  to  the 
widow;'  excuse  the  language,  he  knows 
no  better,  his  strength  is  mostly  in 
his  legs,  ma'am.  And  Mr.  Stafford's  jockey 
says,  ma'am,  that  in  his  opinion  you're  a 
lady  as  will  never  be  drove  again  in  double 
harness." 

"Did  he  say  so,  indeed!"  said  Mistress 
Bellairs,  reflectively.  "Well,  my  good 
creature,  and  what  say  you?" 
"La!"  said  the  maid,and  the  brush  trembled 
over  her  mistress's  curls,  "I  say,  ma'am, 
that  if  you  was  to  make  such  a  sacrifice, 
you  so  young,  and  lovely,  and  so  much  ad- 
mired, I  humbly  hopes  you  might  pick  out 
someone  livelier  than  my  Lord  Verney." 
"  Now,  whom,"  said  Mistress  Bellairs,  in 
a  tone  of  good-humoured  banter,  "would 
you  choose,  I  wonder?  What  would  you 
say  to  the  Marquis,  Lydia?" 
"  Oh,  ma'am!  His  lordship  is  a  real  noble- 
man— as  the  prize  fighters  all  say — and  a 

[    193  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

better  judge  in  the  cockpit,  Mr.  Bantam, 
the  trainer,  says,  never  breathed,  drunk  or 
sober;  and  no  doubt  when  he's  sober, 
ma'am,  he'd  make  as  good  a  husband  as 
most." 

"  Well,  well,  girl,  enough  of  him.  What 
of  Mr.  Stafford,  now?" 
"  Oh,  Mr.  Stafford,  ma'am,  that's  a  comely- 
gentleman;  not  one  bit  of  padding  under 
his  stockings,  and  an  eye  'twould  wheedle 
the  very  heart  out  of  one's  bosom.  And, 
no   doubt,  if  you  ever   thought   of  him, 
ma'am,  you'd  see  that  he  paid  off  the  little 
French  milliner  handsome.  He's  a  very 
constant   gentleman,"    said    Miss    Lydia, 
with  a  suspicion  of  spite. 
"  Pooh,"  cried  the  lady,  and  pushed  her 
chair  away  from  the  fire,  "  what  nonsense 
you  do  talk!  And  pray  what  thinks  your 
wisdom  of  Mr.  O'Hara?" 
"  Lud!  ma'am,"  cried  the  guileless  maiden, 
"  that's  the  gentleman  as  was  found  behind 
Lady  Standish's  curtains." 
"  If  you  were  not  a  perfect  idiot,"  cried 

[   194  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

the  widow,  "  you  would  not  repeat  that 
absurd  tale,  much  less  expect  me  to  believe 
it.  Mr.  O'Hara  has  never  even  spoken  to 
Lady  Standish." 

The  unusual  warmth  in  her  mistress's  tone 
struck  the  girl's  sharp  wits.  She  glanced 
quickly  at  the  lady's  reflection  in  the  glass, 
and  made  no  reply. 

"  Come,"  said  Mistress  Bellairs,  "  what 
else  have  you  against  him?  Is  he  not  hand- 
some, child?" 

"Why,    ma'am,    handsome    enough    for 
such  as  like  red  hair." 
"  And  merry,  and  good  company?" 
"  Oh,    ma'am,  none    better,  as  half  the 
rogues  in  Bath  know." 
"Tush — ^you  mean  he  is  good-natured,  I 
suppose.?" 

"He  never  said  *  no'  in  his  life,  ma'am,  I 
do  believe,  to  man  or  woman." 
"  Well,  then?"  cried  her  mistress  testily. 
"  And  generous,"  gabbled  Lydia,  charmed 
by  the  cloud  she  beheld  gathering  on  the 
brow  reflected  in  the  glass.  "  Open-handed, 

[  '95  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

ma*am.  Mr.  Mahoney — that  queer  pecul- 
iar servant  of  his — many  a  time  hes  told 
me,  ma'am,  that  his  only  way  to  keep  his 
wages  for  himself,  and  seldom  he  seec  the 
sight  of  them,  is  to  spend  them  at  once,  for 
his  good  master  is  that  free-handed,  ma'am, 
he'd  give  the  coat  off  his  servant's  back." 
"  I'm  quite  aware,"  said  the  lady  loftily, 
"  that  Mr.  O'Hara's  estates  in  Ireland  are 
slightly  embarrassed." 
"  I  don't  know  what  they  call  it,  ma'am," 
cried  Lydia  shrilly.  "  It's  not  a  ha'porth 
of  rent  the  old  lord's  seen  these  twelve 
months.  Last  year  they  lived  on  the  pic- 
tures. And  now  it's  the  plate,  I'm  told. 
But,  indeed,  ma'am,  as  Mr.  Mahoney  says, 
what  does  it  matter  to  a  gay  gentleman 
like  Mr.  O'Hara?  Sure,  he's  the  sort,  as 
he  says  to  me  only  yesterday,  that  would 
come  to  a  fortune  on  Monday  and  be 
sending  to  the  pawnshop  on  Saturday." 
"  You  may  go  to  bed,  Lydia,"  cried  Mis- 
tress Bellairs,  rising  hastily;  "  you've  half 
deafened  me  with  your  chatter." 

[  196  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Left  alone  the  little  lady  sat  down  by  the 
fire  in  a  melancholy  mood. 
"  The  sort  that  would  come  to  a  fortune 
on  Monday,  and  be  sending  to  the  pawn- 
shop on  Saturday  .  .  .  I'm  afraid  it's 
true.  Yet,  I  believe,  he  loves  me,  poor 
Denis!  I  vow,"  she  said  to  herself,  "  'tis, 
the  only  one  of  them  all  that  I  could  en- 
dure.  Yes,  I  could  endure  Denis,  vastly 
well  .  .  .  for  a  while  at  least.  And 
now,"  said  she,  "  what's  to  be  done?  Oh, 
I'd  be  loath  to  baulk  him  of  the  pleasure 
of  running  away  with  me!  'tis  the  only 
decent  way  indeed  of  breaking  with  my 
Lord  Verney.  And  it  certainly  struck  me 
that  Master  Stafford  was  mighty  cool  upon 
the  matter.  I've  been  too  quiet  of  late, 
and  that  odious  Bab  Flyte  thinks  she  can 
have  everything  her  own  way  ... 
But,  I'll  be  rescued,"  she  said,  "  at  Devi- 
zes— I  shall  have  to  be  rescued  at  Devizes. 
My  poor  dear;  he  may  be  happy  at  least 
for  an  hour  or  two  ...  as  far  as 
Devizes!" 

^  L  197  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^: 

Her  brow  cleared;  the  dimples  began  to 
play. 

**  We  shall  see,"  she  smiled  more  broadly, 
"if  we  cannot  prod  his  Calfship  into  a 
night  trot.  'Twill  do  his  education  a  vast- 
ness  of  service  .  .  .  But  the  poor 
creature,"  she  reflected  further,  "is  scarce 
to  be  depended  on.  Who  knows  whether 
his  mother  would  approve  of  his  breath- 
ing the  night  air  ...  I  must,"  Mis- 
tress Kitty's  pretty  forehead  became  once 
more  corrugated  under  the  stress  of  pro- 
found thought — "  I  must,"  she  murmured, 
"  have  another  string  to  my  bow,  or  my 
sweet  O'Hara  will  marry  me  after  all. 
Dear  fellow,  how  happy  we  should  be 
from  Monday  .  .  .  till  Saturday!  Who? 
Who,  shall  it  be?  .  .  .  My  Lord  Mar- 
quis might  take  the  rdle  in  earnest  and 
spoil  my  pretty  fellow's  beauty.  Squire  Ju- 
niper? He  would  sure  be  drunk.  And  Mas- 
ter StaflFord?  Oh,  he  may  stay  with  the 
French  milliner  for  me!" 
Suddenly  the  lady's  perplexed  countenance 

[  198] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

became  illumined.  "Sir  Jasper?''  she  said. 
"  Sir  Jasper — the  very  man!  The  good 
Julia — I  owe  it  to  her  to  bring  matters  to 
an  eclair cissement.  And,  Sir  Jasper — oh,  he 
richly  deserves  a  midnight  jolt,  for  'tis 
owing  to  his  monstrous  jealousy  that  I  am 
put  to  all  this  trouble.  'Twill  be  a  fine 
thing  indeed,"  thought  Mistress  Bellairs 
with  a  burst  of  self-satisfied  benevolence, 
"  if  I  can  demonstrate  to  Sir  Jasper,  once 
for  all,  the  folly  into  which  this  evil  pas- 
sion may  lead  a  man," 


[   199  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE  XFII. 


F  you  please,  my  lady,*' 
said  Mistress  Megrim, 
"  I  should  like  to  quit 
your  ladyship's  service." 
"How?"  cried  Lady 
Standish,  waking  with  a 
start  out  of  the  heavy 
sleep  of  trouble,  and  propping  herself 
upon  her  elbow,  to  gaze  in  blinking  as- 
tonishment at  the  irate  pink  counte- 
nance of  her  woman.  Lady  Standish  looked 
very  fair  and  young,  poor  little  wife,  with 
her  half-powdered  curls  of  hair  escaping 
in  disorder  from  the  laces  of  her  night- 
cap, and  her  soft  blue  eyes  as  full  of  un- 
comprehending grief  as  a  frightened 
baby's. 

Mistress  Megrim  gazed  upon  her  coldly 
and  her  old-maid's  heart  hardened  within 
her. 

"No,  your  ladyship,"  said  she,  with  a 
virtuous  sniff,  "  I  shouldn't  feel  as  I  was 

[  200  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


doing  my  duty  to  her  ladyship,  your 
mother,  nor  to  my  humble  self,  were  I  to 
remain  an  hour  longer  than  I  could  help, 
the  Handmaid  of  Sin." 
"  Oh,  dear,''  said  Lady  Standish,  letting 
herself  fall  back  on  her  pillows  with  a 
weary  moan,  "  I  do  wish  you'd  hold  your 
tongue,  woman,  and  allow  me  to  rest! 
Pull  the  curtain  again;  oh,  how  my  head 
aches!" 

"  Very  well,  my  lady,"  ejaculated  Megrim, 
all  at  once  in  a  towering  passion.  "  Since 
you're  that  hardened,  my  lady,  that  a  sign 
from  Heaven  couldn't  melt  your  heart — 
I  allude  to  that  man  of  God,  his  lordship 
the  Bishop  (oh,  what  a  holy  gentleman 
that  is!);  and,  my  lady,  me  and  Mistress 
Tremlet  saw  him  out  of  the  pantry  win- 
dow as  he  shook  the  dust  of  this  House 
of  Iniquity  from  his  shoes;  if  that  vessel 
of  righteousness  could  not  prevail  with 
your  ladyship,  what  hopes  have  I  that 
you'll  hear  the  voice  of  the  Lord  through 
me?" 

[    20I     1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Megrim,  hold  your  tongue/'  said  her 
mistress  in  unwontedly  angered  tones, 
"  pull  the  curtains  and  go  away!" 
With  a  hand  that  trembled  with  fury  Mis- 
tress Megrim  fell  upon  the  curtains  and 
rattled  them  along  their  pole.  Then  she 
groped  her  way  to  Lady  Standish's  bedside 
and  stood  for  some  seconds  peering  malev- 
olently at  her  through  the  darkness. 
*'  I  wouldn't  believe  it,  my  lady,"  she 
hissed  in  a  ghastly  whisper,  **  although  in- 
deed I  might  have  known  that  such  a 
gentleman  as  Sir  Jasper  would  never  have 
taken  on  like  that  if  he  hadn't  had  grounds. 
But  you've  mistaken  your  woman,  when 
you  think  you  can  make  an  improper  go- 
between  of  me!  Oh,"  cried  she,  with  a 
rigid  shudder,  "  I  feel  myself  defiled  as 
with  pitch,  that  these  fingers  should  actu- 
ally have  touched  sich  a  letter!" 
"For  goodness  sake,"  moaned  the  lady 
from  her  pillows,  "  what  are  you  talking 
about  now?" 
"  My  lady,"  said    Megrim    sepulchrally, 

[  ^^^  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"when  that  minx  with  her  face  muffled  up 
in  a  hood,  came  and  had  the  brazen  bold- 
ness to  ask  for  me  this  morning,  saying 
she  had  some  lace  of  your  ladyship's  from 
the  mender's,  and  that  it  was  most  partic- 
ular and  must  be  given  into  my  hands 
alone,  my  mind  misgave  me.  'Twas  like 
an  angel's  warning.  The  more  so  as  there 
isn't  a  scrap  of  your  ladyship's  lace  as  has 
been  to  the  mender's  since  we  came  here." 
"  Mercy,  Megrim,  how  you  do  ramble  on! 
I  can't  make  head  or  tail  of  your  stupid 
story." 

Even  a  dove  will  peck. 
"  Ho,  do  I,  my  lady!  Can't  you  indeed? 
Perhaps  your  ladyship  will  understand 
better  when  I  tell  her,  that  that  same 
bold  thing  had  no  lace  at  all — but  a  letter. 
*  Give  it  to  your  mistress,'  says  she,  *  in 
secret,  and  for  your  life  don't  let  Sir  Jas- 
per see  it.'  " 

"  Well,  give  it  to  me,"  said  Lady  Stan- 
dish,  "and  hold  your  tongue,  and  go  and 
pack  your  trunks  as  soon  as  you  like." 
[   203  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"  Ho,  my  lady/'  cried  the  incorruptible 
Megrim,  with  an  acid  laugh,  *'  I  hope  I 
know  my  Christian  duty  better.  I  brought 
the  letter  to  my  master,  according  to  the 
Voice  of  Conscience.  And  now,"  she  con- 
cluded, with  a  shrill  titter,  "  TU  go  and 
pack  my  trunks.*' 

Yet  she  paused,  expecting  to  enjoy  Lady 
Standish's  outburst  of  terror  and  distress. 
There  was  no  sign  from  the  bed,  however, 
not  even  a  little  gasp.  And  so  Mistress 
Megrim  was  fain  to  depart  to  her  virtuous 
trunks  without  even  that  parting  solace. 
Meanwhile,  with  the  pillow  of  her  spot- 
less conscience  to  rest  upon,  and  deadened 
to  fresh  disturbances  by  the  despairing  re- 
flection that  nothing  for  the  present  could 
make  matters  much  worse  between  her 
and  her  husband,  Lady  Standish,  without 
attempting  to  solve  the  fresh  problem, 
determinedly  closed  her  weary  eyes  upon 
the  troubles  of  the  world  and  drifted  into 
slumber  again. 


[  204  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"I  shall  catch  them  red-handed,"  said  Sir 
Jasper. 

This  time  all  doubt  was  over;  in  his  hand 
lay  the  proof,  crisp  and  fluttering.  He 
read  it  again  and  again,  with  a  kind  of 
ghastly  joy.  Unaddressed,  unsealed,  save 
by  a  foolish  green  wafer  with  a  cupid  on 
it,  the  document  which  Mistress  Megrim's 
rigid  sense  of  duty  had  delivered  to  him 
instead  of  to  his  guilty  wife,  was  indited 
in  the  self-same  dashing  hand  as  marked 
the  crumpled  rag  that  even  now  burned 
him  through  his  breast-pocket  like  a  fly- 
blister. 

«« I  never  get  a  wink  of  sleep,  dreaming  of  you,  dearest  dear, 
80  soon  to  be  my  own  at  last!  The  chay  shall  be  drawn  by 
horses  such  as  Phoebus  himself,  my  darling,  would  have  en- 
vied. And,  so  you  fail  me  not,  we  shall  soon  be  dashing 
through  the  night — a  world  of  nothing  but  happiness  and  love 
before  us.  I  could  find  it  in  my  heart  to  bless  the  poor  foolish 
individual  who  shall  be  nameless,  since,  had  it  not  been  for 
my  lovely  one's  weariness  of  him,  she  might  never  have 
turned  to  the  arms  of  her  own  devoted. 

Red  Curl! 

"P.S. — Pll  have  as  good  a  team  as  there  is  in  England 
(barring  the  one  that  shall  bring  us  there),  waiting  for  us  at 
the  Black  Bear,  Devizes.  We  ought  to  arrive  before  midnight, 

f  205  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

and  there  shall  be  a  dainty  trifle  of  supper  for  your  Beauty- 
ship — while  the  nags  are  changed.  Ah,  my  dear,  what 
rapture!** 

Indescribable  were  the  various  expressions 
that  crossed  Sir  Jasper's  countenance  upon 
the  perusal  and  re-perusal  of  this  artless 
missive.  Now  he  gnashed  his  teeth;  now 
snorts    of  withering    scorn    were   blown 
down  the   channels    of  his    fine  aquiline 
nose;  now  smiles  of  the  most  deadly  de- 
scription   curled    and    parted  luridly   his 
full  lips. 

"  Ha,  ha!  "  said  Sir  Jasper,  "and  perhaps 
the  poor  foolish  individual  may  give  you 
cause  for  something  less  than  blessings. 
Master  Carrots !     And  I  think,  madam, 
your  beautyship  may  find  at  Devizes  some- 
thing harder  to  digest  than  that  trifle  of 
supper!     Till  then,  patience!  " 
He  folded  the  letter,  placed  it  beside  its 
fellow,  and    once    more,  with   a  sort  of 
bellow,  he  cried,  "  Patience  !  " 

•  •••••• 

"Well,  Lydia?"  said    Mistress   Bellairs. 

[   206  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

She  had  but  just  finished  her  chocolate, 
and  looked  like  a  rose  among  her  pillows. 
"  Well,  madam,"  said  Lydia,  still  panting 
from  her  hurried  quest,  **  'tis  safe  deliv- 
ered.    I  gave  it  into  Mistress  Magrim*s 

own  hands,  and " 

"And  can  you  reckon,"  said  the  lady, 
smiling  at  the  amusing  thought,  "  upon 
her  bringing  it  straight  to  Sir  Jasper? " 
"  Ah,  Lud,  ma'am,  yes.  I  told  the  sour, 
ugly  old  cat,  that  if  her  master  caught 
sight  of  it,  Lady  Standish  would  be  ruined. 
You  should  have  seen  how  she  grabbed  at 
it,  ma'am!" 

"  Lydia,"  said  her  mistress,  looking  at  her 
admiringly,  "  I  question  whether  I'd 
have  risked  it  myself;  you're  a  bold  girl! 
But  there,  if  anything  fail,  you  know  that 
rose-coloured  pelisse  remains  hanging  in 
my  closet." 

"  Never  fear,  ma'am,"  said  Lydia,  smiling 
quietly  to  herself,  as  she  pulled  her  mis- 
tress's long  pink  silk  stocking  over  her 
hand,  and  turned  it  knowingly  from  side 
[  207  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

to  side,  looking  for  invisible  damage,  "  the 
pelisse  is  as  good  as  mine  already/' 
"  But,  think  you,  was  Sir  Jasper  at  home? " 
said   Mistress  Bellairs,    after  a  few    mo- 
ments' reflection. 

"  I  made  sure  of  that,"  said  Lydia  trium- 
phantly, peeling   off   the   stocking.      "  I 
thought  it   best  to  go  in  by  the  mews, 
ma'am,  and  I  heard  that  Sir   Jasper  had 
not  left  the  house  since  that  little — that 
little  affair  with  the  Bishop,  you  know, 
ma'am.     But  all  the  night,  and   all  the 
morning,  he  kept  William    and  Joseph 
(those  are  the  grooms,  ma'am)  going  back- 
wards   and  forwards  with    challenges  to 
the  Bishop's  lodgings." 
"  Oh!  "  cried  Kitty,  and  kicked  her  little 
toes   under  the  silk  counterpane  with  ex 
quisite  enjoyment,  "  and  what   does  the 
Bishop  answer,  I  wonder?" 
**  Sends    back   the  letter  every  time  un- 
opened, ma'am,  with  a  fresh  text  written 
on  the  back  of  it.     The  texts  it  is,  Will- 
iam says,  that  drive  Sir  Jasper  mad." 
[  208  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

-  —  - —  - 

"  Oh  !  oh  !  oh  !  "  cried  Mistress  Kitty 
faintly,  rolling  about  her  pillows.  **  Child, 
you'll  be  the  death  of  me  !  .  .  .  Well, 
then,  to  business.  You  know  what  you 
are  to  do  to-night  ? " 
**  No  sooner  are  you  gone  to  the  Assem- 
bly Rooms  this  evening,  ma'am,  than  I 
take  a  letter  from  you  for  Lady  Standish, 
and  this  time  deliver  it  myself  to  her  own 
hand,  and,  if  needs  be,  persuade  her  to 
follow  your  advice,  ma'am." 
"  Right,  child ;  thou  shalt  have  the  gold 

locket  with  the  Turkey  stones " 

"Thank  you,  ma'am.  Well,  then  I'm 
to  scurry  as  fast  as  I  can  to  the  corner  of 
Bond  Street  and  Quiet  Street,  and  watch 
you  being   carried  off  by  the  gentleman. 

And  then " 

"  Be  sure  you  wait  till  the  chaise  has  well 

started." 

"Yes,  ma'am,  of  course!     When  you're 

safely   on    the    London    Road,     I'll     go 

and   give    the    alarm    at    the    Assembly 

Rooms." 

t  209  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^. 

"  Remember,  you  ask  first  for  Lord 
Verney/' 

"  Oh,  ay,  ma'am.  *  My  mistress  is  carried 
off,  is  carried  off!  Help,  help,  my  lord ! ' 
rU  say.  Oh,  ma'am,  I'll  screech  it  well 
out,  trust  me." 

"Don't  forget,"  said  her  mistress,  whose 
mood  became  every  moment  merrier, 
"  don't  forget  to  say  that  you  heard  the 
ravisher  mention  London,  by  Devizes.'^ 
"  Well,  ma'am,"  said  Lydia,  "  I  thought 
of  saying  that  he  first  flung  you  swooning 
upon  the  cushions  of  the  chay ;  then, 
stepping  in  himself,  cried  out  to  the 
coachman,  with  an  horrible  oath,  *If 
you're  not  in  Devizes  before  twelve,  I'll 
flay  you  with  your  own  whip,  and  then 
hang  you  with  it  to  the  shaft! ' " 
"  Aha,  ha,  Lydia,"  laughed  her  mistress. 
"  I  see  I  must  give  you  a  gold  chain  to 
hang  that  locket  upon.  But  pray,  child," 
she  added  warningly,  "  be  careful  not  to 
overdo  it." 

[    2IO   3 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE  XFIII 


HE  livelong  day  Lady 
Standish  had  not  beheld 
the  light  of  her  lord's 
countenance. 
I  Upon  their  last  meeting, 
his  behaviour  to  the 
Bishop  having  roused  in 
her  gentle  bosom  a  feeling  as  nearly  akin 
to  resentment  as  it  was  capable  of  har- 
bouring, she  v^ould  not  be  (she  had  re- 
solved) the  one  to  seek  him  first.  She 
had,  therefore,  passed  the  day  in  her  own 
apartment  in  writing  to  her  mother,  and 
in  practising  her  last  song  to  the  harp — 
a  piece  of  audacity  and  independence 
which  she  expected  would  have  goaded 
Sir  Jasper  into  an  instant  interview  with 
herself. 

When  the  dusk  rose,  however,  and  the 
candles  were  brought  in  by  the  round-eyed 
handmaid,  whose  ministrations  replaced 
those  of  Megrim  (the  latter  was  still 
[211    J 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


packing,  and  seemed  like  to  take  some 
weeks  in  the  process),  and  the  said  round- 
eyed  damsel  immediately  began  to  inform 
her  mistress  that  Sir  Jasper  had  set  forth 
in  his  coach,  Lady  Standish's  small  flame 
of  courage  began  to  flicker  woefully. 
"  Alone?"  she  asked,  in  white  dismay. 
*'  Please,  my  lady,  Mr.  Bowles  was  driv- 
ing, and  there  was  Mr.  Thomas  behind, 
my  lady." 

"  Pshaw,  girl!   Had  Sir  Jasper  Vio  friend 
with  him?" 

"  Oh  yes,  my    lady;  there  was  Mr.  Staf- 
ford, a  box  of  pistols,  Mr.  Toombs  says, 
and  a  bag  of  swords." 
"  Heavens!"  cried  Lady  Standish.  **  Again! 
— and  whither  went  they?" 
"  Please,  my  lady,  Mr.  Toombs  says  they 
took  the  London  Road." 
Fain  would  the  round-eyed  maid  have  lin- 
gered and  told  more,  but  Lady  Standish 
waved  her  hand  faintly,  and  so  dismissed 
her. 
An  hour  later,  Lydia,  brisk  with  import- 

[    212    ] 


4> 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

ance,  and  sparkling  with  conscious  power, 
found  the  much-tried  soul  sunk  in  a  sort 
of  apathetic  weariness  of  misery. 
**  Mistress  Bellairs'  love,  my  lady,  and  will 
you  read  this  letter  at  once?'' 
Lady  Standish   took    the  letter  from  the 
black-mittened  hand. 
"  Please,  my  lady,  'tis  of  the  utmost  im- 
portance," said  Lydia,  "  and  I  was  to  wait 
and  see  if  I  could  not  be  of  use  to  you." 
Something  magnetic   in   the  girl's  lively 
tone  gave  impetus  to  Lady  Standish^s  sus- 
pended energies.  She  broke  the  seal. 

"  My  sweet  child/*  wrote  Mistress  Kitty.  ♦' If  you  want 
to  know  what  has  become  of  your  husband,  you  will  in- 
stantly take  a  chaise  and  start  off  for  the  Black  Bear  at  Devizes. 

"  Your  true  friend, 

"K.  B. 
*'  Postscriptum. — Do  not  go  alone.    Get  some  old  hag  (if 
possible  Lady  Maria  Prideaux)  to  accompany  you.  You  will 
find  her  in  the  Assembly  Rooms.  She's  as  curious  as  our  first 
mother — you  can  easily  persuade  her.    This  is  good  adviceP ' 

"  I  am  much  too  ill,"  cried  Lady  Standish, 
upon  a  moan.  **  Tell  your  mistress,"  said 
she,  looking  vaguely  in  Lydia's  direction, 

[  213  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  that  indeed  'tis  quite  impossible  I  should 
do  as  she  suggests." 

"  Very  well,  my  lady/'  said  Lydia  cheer- 
fully. "  Fm  sure  I  shouldn't  trouble  my- 
self if  I  was  you.  Gentlemen  must  have 
their  diversions,  I  always  say.  If  ladies 
v/ould  but  shut  their  eyes  a  little  more, 
'twould  be  for  the  peace  of  all  parties. 
Indeed,  my  lady,  though  my  mistress 
would  be  angry  to  hear  me  say  so,  Fd  go 
to  bed,  for  you  look  sorely  tired,  and  Sir 
Jasper'll  be  glad  enough  to  come  home 
bye-and-bye." 

"Wretched  girl,"    cried    Julia,  and  her 
eyes  flashed,  "what  dost  thou  mean?" 
"  La,   now!  "  said  Lydia,  all   innocence, 
"  how  my  tongue  do  run  away  with  me, 
to  be  sure!  Why,  my  lady,  what   can  a 
poor  servant-maid  like  me  know  of  the 
goings    on    of   gentles?     'Tis  but  a  few 
words  of  gossip  here  and  there." 
"  Oh,  merciful  heavens,  what  gossip  mean 
you?" 
"  My  lady,  have  a  sip  oi  volatile ^  do!  Oh, 

[  214  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


my  mistress  would  be   like  to  kill    me  if 

she  knew  what  Fve  been  saying!      '  Poor 

Julia/  she  cried  when  she  got  the  news. 

*  Poor   Julia,  my    poor    confiding   Julia! 

Oh,  the  villain,  the  monster! ' " 

"  Good  God,  and  whom  did  she  refer  to?" 

"  Lud,  madam,  how  can  I  tell?     *  //  shall 

not  ber  cries   my  mistress,  and  down  she 

sits  and  writes    off   to   you,  as  if  for  bare 

life," 

Lady  Standish,  rising  from  her  seat,  rushed 

to  the  light,  and  with   starting  eyes  and 

bristling  hair   began  to  read    afresh  her 

fond  Kitty's  missive. 

"La,  my  lady,"  cried  the  guileless  Lydia, 

"you're  all  of  a  shake!     I'd  never  be  that 

upset  about  Sir   Jasper.     Why,    if  your 

la'ship'll    allow   me   to    say  so,  all  Bath 

knows  how  jealous  he  is  of  your  la'ship; 

and,    certain,    that    shows    a    husband's 

affection." 

"True,"  cried  Julia,   "that's  true,  girl!" 

"  And  as  for    those  who    say,  my  lady, 

that  some  men  are  so  artful  that  they  put 

[  215] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

on  a  deal  of  jealousy  to  cover  a  deal  of 
fickleness,  Fd  despise  myself  if  I  was  to 
pay  heed  to  such  mean  suspiciousness/' 
"  My  cloak! ''  cried  Lady  Standish.  "Me- 
grim, Susan!  "  She  flew  to  the  hall.  *^  My 
cloak,  let  a  post-chaise  be  ordered  imme- 
diately! " 

"  If  I  may  make  so  bold,  my  lady,"  said 
Lydia,  retiring  gracefully  with  the  con- 
viction of  a  well-accomplished  errand, 
"don't  forget  to  take  Lady  Maria  with 
you,  if  you  can.  The  gentlemen  have 
such  a  way  of  turning  tables  on  us  poor 
women — at  least,"  said  the  damsel  de- 
murely, "  so  Fve  heard  said.  And  'tis  a 
long  lonely  road,  my  lady!  " 


[  216] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 

SCENE   XIX. 


ISTRESS  BELLAIRS 
took  her  departure  early. 
Attired  in  unusually  sober 
colours,  floating  in  an  at- 
mosphere of  chastened, 
matronly  dignity,  she 
had  shown  herself  this 
evening,  thought  Lord  Verney,  quite 
worthy  to  be  his  mother's  daughter-in- 
law. 

"  Monstrous  dull,''  Lady  Flyte  called  the 
pretty  widow's  demeanour. 
Beyond  a  gavotte  with  Lord  Verney,  she 
had  not  danced,  but  sat  for  half-an-hour 
on  the  chair  next  to  Lady  Maria,  who 
presented  her  with  the  vision  of  a  shoulder- 
blade  which  had  seen  better  days,  and  an 
impenetrability  of  hearing  which  baffled 
even  Kitty's  undaunted  energy. 
When  Verney  had  tucked  her  up  in  her 
sedan,  she  insisted  upon  the  young  peer 
allowing  her  to  proceed  home  unescorted. 

[  217  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Indeed,"  said  she,  "  I  pray,  nay,  I  order 
you.  People  talk  so  in  this  giddy  place, 
and  have  you  not  your  aged  aunt  to  wait 
upon?  I  am  sure,''  said  Mistress  Kitty 
piously,  "  that  your  dear  mother  would 
wish  it  thus." 

He  submitted.  He  had  no  doubt  that  his 
mother  would  indeed  entirely  concur 
with  such  sentiments,  and  blessed  his 
Kitty  for  her  sweet  reasonableness. 
"  Good-night,  then,"  she  said,  thrusting 
her  pretty  face  out  of  the  window  with 
a  very  tender  and  gentle  smile. 
"Good-night,"  he  replied,  with  his 
young,  gracefully-awkward  bow. 
She  fully  expected  to  hear  his  footstep 
pursue  the  chairman,  for  she  had  not 
been  able  to  refrain  from  throwing  her 
utmost  fascination  into  that  parting  look. 
But  nothing  broke  the  silence  of  the 
parade  save  the  measured  slouching  tramp 
of  the  bearers. 

At  once  disappointed  and  relieved,  she 
threw  herself  back  in  her  seat. 

[218  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


**  What,  not  a  spark  left,"  said  she,  "  of 
the  fine  flame  'twas  so  easy  to  kindle  this 
morning!  'Tis  the  very  type  of  the  odi- 
ous British  husband.  Let  him  be  but 
sure  of  you,  and  the  creature  struts  as 
confident  of  his  mastery  as  the  cock 
among  his  hens.  Lord!"  she  shuddered, 
"  what  an  escape  I  have  had!  We  women 
are  apt  to  fancy  that  very  young  men 
are  like  very  young  peas,  the  greener,  the 
tenderer,  the  better ;  whereas,"  said  the 
lady,  with  a  sigh,  "  they  are  but  like 
young  wine,  crude  where  we  look  for 
strength,  all  head  and  no  body,  and  vastly 
poor  upon  the  palate." 
She  sighed  again  and  closed  her  eyes, 
waiting  for  the  moment  of  the  impend- 
ing catastrophe  with  a  delicate  composure. 
In  truth,  Mr.  O'Hara  conducted  the  per- 
formance with  so  much  brio  as  to  con- 
vince Mistress  Bellairs  that  he  had  had 
previous  experience  of  the  kind. 
At  the  dark  appointed  corner  the  two 
muffled   individuals  who,  each   selecting 

[  219  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

his  own  astonished  chairman,  enlaced  him 
with  overwhelming  brotherly  affection, 
seemed  such  thorough-paced  ruffians  in 
the  dim  light,  that  Mistress  Kitty  found 
it  quite  natural  to  scream — and  even  had 
some  difficulty  in  keeping  her  distress- 
ful note  down  to  the  pitch  of  necessary 
discretion. 

And  her  heart  fluttered  with  a   sensation 
of  fear,  convincing    enough    to    produce 
quite  a  delightful  illusion,  when  she  found 
herself  bodily  lifted  out  of  her  nest  and 
rapidly  carried  through  the  darkness  in  an 
irresistibly  close  and  strong  embrace. 
"  Oh,  oh,  oh!  "  cried  the  lady,  in  a  mod- 
ulated sequence  of  little  shrieks. 
"  Merciful  heavens!''  she  thought  to  her- 
self, with   a   great    thump    of  the  heart, 
astonished  at  her  ravisher's  silence,  **what 
if  it  should  be  someone  else  after  all? " 
But  the  next  instant  the  rich  brogue  of  a 
tender   whisper   in    her  ear   dispelled  all 
doubt. 

"You've    forgotten     the    scratches,    my 
[  220  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

darling,"  said  O'Hara,  as  he  laid  her 
preciously  upon  the  cushions  of  the 
chaise. 

Here  Mr.  Mahoney  and  his  comrade — 
which  latter  bore  a  curious  resemblance 
in  build  and  gait  to  one  of  the  sporting 
Marquis's  own  celebrated  gladiators — 
came  running  up  to  take  their  seats.  In 
leaped  O'Hara — the  coachman  lifted  his 
whip,  and  the  team  that  Phoebus  might 
have  envied  started  up  the  length  of  Mil- 
som  Street  in  style. 

The  chairmen,  drawing  their  breath  with 
some  difficulty  after  their  spell  of  stran- 
gulation, stared  in  amazement  at  the 
clattering  shadow  as  it  retreated  up  the 
steep  street ;  and  then  back,  and  in  fresh 
amazement,  at  the  yellow  guinea  which 
had  been  pressed,  and  now  glinted,  in 
their  palm. 

Presently  a  simultaneous  smile  overspread 
their  honest  countenances. 
"  A  queer  go,''  said  the  first,  easing  and 
[   221   ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


readjusting  his  necklace.  "  Lud,  the  little 
madam  did  squeak! " 

"Fd  let  them  all  squeak  at  the  same 
price,"  said  the  other,  pocketing  his  coin, 
and  resuming  his  place  in  rear  of  the 
sedan.  "  But  come.  Bill,  we  must  go  re- 
port this  'orrible  crime.  Rabbit  me! — 
what's  that?*' 

A  blood-curdling  wail  had  risen  out  of 
the  night,  from  his  very  elbow  it  seemed. 
It  circled  in  frightful  cadence,  and  died 
away  in  ghostlike  fashion. 
"  'T — 'tis  but  a  sick  cat,  I  hope,"  stam- 
mered the  first  chairman,  and  dived  for 
the  chair-poles  in  marked  hurry. 
"  O — o — o — o,"  moaned  the  voice,  "  oh, 
my  mistress!"  There  was  a  flutter,  a  patter, 
and:  "  Merciful  heavens,  you  wretches!" 
cried  Mistress  Bellairs'  devoted  Abigail, 
emerging  like  a  gust  of  wind  from  the 
blackest  shadow  of  Bond  Street  and  fall- 
ing upon  the  nearest  chairman  with  a 
well-aimed  flap  of  her  shawl,  followed  up 
by    a    couple    of  scratches.    **  Wretches, 

[  ^^^  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

monsters,  youVe  let  my  mistress  be  car- 
ried away!  Oh  heavens,  my  unhappy  mis- 
tress!** cried  Lydia,  and  rent  the  night 
with  her  cries. 

Mistress  Kitty's  chair  had  no  sooner  left 
the  precincts  of  the  Assembly  Rooms 
when  my  Lady  Standish's  post-chaise 
came  clattering  round  the  corner. 
Lord  Verney,  who  was  just  about  to  go  in 
again,  arrested  by  curiosity,  turned  to  won- 
der at  a  visitor  who  arrived  in  so  unwonted 
a  conveyance.  Recognising  Lady  Standish 
he  was  somewhat  abashed  and  somewhat 
disconcerted,  but  felt  he  could  do  no  less 
than  advance  through  the  crowd  of  foot 
and  chair  men  and  offer  his  hand. 
"  Oh,  pray.  Lord  Verney,'*  said  she  in  a 
strenuous  whisper,  "  conduct  me  to  your 
aunt,  for  I  have  great  need  of  her  help  and 
counsel.  Take  me  to  her  at  once,*'  said  the 
poor  lady,  in  ever-increasing  agitation. 
They  passed  through  the  elegant  throng, 
she  unconscious  alike  of  recognition, 
[  223  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

comment,  or  titter,  he  feeling  to  his  boy's 
marrow,  the  sensation  created  by  her  trav- 
elling gear  and  distraught  appearance. 
"  Would  I  were  back  at  Verney  Hall," 
thought  he,  and  found  that  this  wish  had 
been  long  gathering  in  his  heart. 
No  need  of  an  ear-trumpet  for  Lady 
Maria  now.  The  dowager  recovered  her 
powers  of  hearing  with  almost  miraculous 
celerity. 

"  Oh,  Lady  Maria!"  said  Lady  Standish, 
holding  out  both  her  hands.  And  inconti- 
nently she  burst  into  tears.  "  Oh,  Lady 
Maria,  Sir  Jasper  has  left  me,  I  am  in  sad 
trouble!  Fm  told  he  has  gone  to  Devizes. 
I  must  follow  him.  You  are  my  mother's 
oldest  friend;  will  you  give  me  the  support 
of  your  company  and  protection?" 
There  was  quite  a  buzz  in  the  interested 
circle.  Lady  Maria  nodded  round,  charmed 
with  the  situation;  bristling  with  delighted 
curiosity,  she  was  more  like  Mistress 
Kitty's  cockatoo  than  ever. 
"  Poor  young  thing,  poor  young  thing," 

[  224  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

she  said,  patting  Lady  Standish's  hand; 
"  your  mother's  oldest  friend,  quite  so — 
quite  right  and  proper  to  come  to  me. 
And  so  Sir  Jasper's  left  you;  so  Sir  Jas- 
per's gone;  and  with  whom,  my  dear?" 
Lady  Maria  fondly  believed  that  she  spoke 
these  last  words  in  a  gentle  aside ;  but 
never  had  her  sepulchral  bass  resounded 
more  sonorously.  Lady  Standish's  faint 
cry  of  shocked  disclaimer  was,  however, 
completely  drowned  in  the  fresh  rumour, 
lacerated  by  shrill  feminine  shrieks,  which 
now  arose  in  the  vestibule  of  the  Assem- 
bly Rooms  and  rapidly  advanced. 
"  My  Lord  Verney!  My  mistress!  Where 
is  my  Lord  Verney?"  wailed  the  distraught 
Lydia,  who  thoroughly  enjoyed  her  role, 
A  hundred  voices  took  up  the  cry;  the 
astounding  news  passed  from  group  to 
group :  "  The  pretty  widow  has  been 
carried  off!  "  "  Mistress  Bellairs  has  been 
abducted!"  And  then,  in  counter  clamour 
and  antiphone :  "  And  my  Lady  Standish 
is  looking  for  Sir  Jasper." 
L  225  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^! 

Meanwhile,  before  Lord  Verney,  dumb 
and  suffocating  under  a  variety  of  emo- 
tions, Lydia,  wringing  her  hands  and  with 
the  most  thrilling  notes  of  tragic  woe  (as 
nearly  copied  from  Mistress  Susanna 
Cibber  as  she  could  remember),  narrated 
her  tristful  tale. 

"  He  flung  my  unhappy  mistress,  swoon- 
ing and  shrieking,  into  the  chaise.  And 
'drive  like  the  devil,'  cries  he  in  a  voice  of 
thunder  to  the  coachman.  *  Til  flay  you 
with  your  own  whip  and  hang  you  to 
your  own  shaft,'  says  he,  *  if  you're  not  in 
Devizes  before  midnight! '  " 
"Devizes!"  cried  Lady  Standish  with  a 
scream.  Hanging  on  Lydia's  utterance, 
every  word  of  which  confirmed  the  awful 
suspicion  that  had  entered  her  heart,  she 
now  could  no  longer  doubt  the  real  ex- 
tent of  her  misfortune. 
"  Oh,  Lord  Verney,  save  my  mistress!  " 
Lydia's  pipe  dominated  the  universal 
chorus  with  piercing  iteration. 
And  now  Lady  Maria's  bass  struck  in  again. 
[  226  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"What  did  I  say?"  cried  she  triumphantly. 
"  Nevvy,  you'd  better  go  to  bed !  you're 
well  out  of  her.  Julia,  my  dear,  don't 
faint,  we  can  catch  them  at  Devizes  yet. 
Someone  tell  that  wench  to  stop  that 
screeching!  Julia,  come!  You've  got  the 
chay,  I  understand.  Fortunately,  my  house 
is  near;  we  shall  just  call  for  Burrell  and 
make  him  ride  behind  with  his  blunder- 
buss. Child,  if  you  faint  I  wash  my  hands 
of  the  whole  affair.  We'll  nip  them,  I 
tell  you,  if  you'll  only  brisk  up." 
"  I  won't  faint,"  said  Lady  Standish,  set- 
ting her  teeth. 

Lord  Verney  suddenly  awoke  to  the  fact 
that  he  had  been  grievously  injured  and 
that  he  was  in  a  towering  passion.  Splut- 
tering, he  demanded  vengeance  of  gods 
and  men.  Post-chaise,  ho,  and  pistols, 
forthwith!  "  My  sword!  "  cried  he,  feel- 
ing for  the  blade  which,  however,  accord- 
ing to  the  regulations  enforced  by  the 
immortal  Master  of  Bath  Ceremonies, 
[  227  J 


TKTE  BATH  COMEDY 


was  absent  from  its  natural  post  on  his 
noble  hip  in  this  polite  assembly. 
"  Come  with  me/*  cried  Captain  Spiccr, 
clapping  his  patron  on  the  shoulder  in  a 
burst  of  excitement.  "  FU  stand  to  you, 
of  course,  lad!  You'll  want  a  witness. 
Gad! "  exclaimed  the  amiable  Captain, 
"  we'll  have  Sir  Jasper's  liver  on  the  spit 
before  crow  of  cock! " 


[  228  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE  XX 


HE  side-rays  of  the  chaise- 
lamps  played  on  the 
widow's  soft,  saucy  face, 
threw  beguiling  shadows 
under  her  eyes,  and  fleet- 
ing dimples  round  those 
lips  that  seemed  perpet- 
ually to  invite  kisses. 

Cosily  nestling  in  the  corner  of  the  car- 
riage, her  head  in  its  black  silk  hood 
tilted  back  against  the  cushions,  in  the 
flickering  uncertain  gleam,  there  was 
something  almost  babyish  in  her  whole 
appearance;  something  babyish,  too,  in 
her  attitude  of  perfect  confidence  and 
enjoyment. 

Denis  O'Hara,  with  one  arm  extended 
above  her  head,  his  hand  resting  open  on 
the  panel,  the  other  hand  still  clasping 
the  handle  of  the  door,  gazed  upon  the 
woman  who  had  placed  herself  so  com- 
pletely in  his  power,  and  felt  smitten  to 
[  229  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


the  heart  of  him  with  a   tenderness   that 

was    well-nigh    pain.    Hitherto  his   glib 

tongue  had  never   faltered  with  a  woman 

without    his    lips    being    ready     to    fill 

the  pause  with   a  suitable  caress.   But  not 

so  to-day. 

"  What's  come  to  me  at  all?"  said  he  to 

himself,  as,  frightened  by  the  very  strength 

of  his  own  passion,  he  could  find  no  word 

at  once  ardent  and  respectful    enough   in 

which  to  speak   it.  And,  indeed,  "  What 

had   come   to  him?"  was  what    Mistress 

Kitty  was  thinking  about  the  same  time. 

"  And  what  may  his  arm  be  doing  over 

my  head? "  she  wondered. 

"How  beautiful  you   are!"   babbled  the 

Irishman  at  last. 

Mistress  Bellairs  suddenly  sat  up  with  an 

angry  start.     It  was  as   if  she   had  been 

stung. 

"  Heavens!  "  cried  she,  thrusting  her  little 

forefingers  into  her  ears.  "  Mr.  O'Hara,  if 

you  say  that  again,  I  shall  jump  out  of  the 

chay." 

[  230  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Her  eyes  flashed;  she  looked  capable  of 
fulfilling  her  threat  upon  the  spot. 
"  Me  darling  heart,'*  said  he,  and  had 
perforce  to  lay  his  hands  upon  her  to  keep 
her  still.  **  Sure  what  else  can  I  say  to 
you,  with  my  eyes  upon  your  angel  face?" 
Apparently  the  lady's  ears  were  not  so 
completely  stopped  but  that  such  words 
could  penetrate. 

"  'Tis  monstrous,"  said  she  in  hot  indig- 
nation, "  that  I  should  go  to  all  this 
trouble  to  escape  from  the  bleating  of 
that  everlasting  refrain,  and  have  it 
buzzed  at  me,"  she  waxed  incoherent 
under  the  sense  of  her  injuries,  "  thus  at 
the  very  outset!  " 

"  My  dear  love,"  said  he,  humbly,  captur- 
ing the  angry,  gesticulating  hand,  "sure  me 
heart's  so  full  that  it's  just  choking  me." 
She  felt  him  tremble  beside  her  as  he 
spoke. 

Now  the  trembling  lover  was  not  of  those 
that  entered  into  Mistress  Kitty's  scheme 
of  existence.  She  had,  perhaps,  reckoned, 

[   231   ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


when  planning  her  escapade,  upon  being 
made  to  tremble  a  little  herself.  She  had 
certainly  reckoned  upon  a  journey  this 
evening  that  should  be  among  the  most 
memorable  in  the  annals  of  her  impres- 
sions. O'Hara  bashful !  O'Hara  tongue- 
tied!  O'Hara  with  cold  fingers  that  hardly 
dared  to  touch  hers!  O'Hara,  the  gay  rat- 
tler, with  constrained  lips! 
This  wasan  O'Hara  whose  existenceshe  had 
not  dreamed  of,  and  for  whose  acquaint- 
ance, to  say  the  truth,  she  had  small  relish. 
"  What  has  come  to  you? "  she  cried  aloud, 
with  another  burst  of  petulance. 
"  Faith,"  said  he,  "  and  I  hardly  know 
myself,  Kitty  darling.  Oh,  Kitty,"  said 
he,  "'tis  vastly  well  to  laugh  at  love  and 
play  at  love :  but  when  love  comes  in 
earnest  it  takes  a  man  as  it  were  by  the 
throat,  and  it's  no  joke  then." 
"  So  I  see,"  said  she,  with  some  dryness. 
O'Hara  clenched  his  hand  and  drew  a 
laboured  breath. 


[  232  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Straining,  slipping  now  and  again,  break- 
ing into  spurts  of  trot,  to  fall  into  enforced 
walking  pace  once  more,  the  gallant  team 
had  dragged  the  chaise  to  the  summit  of 
the  great  rise  at  a  speed  quite  unprece- 
dented, yet  comparatively  slow. 
Now  the  way  lay  down-hill.  The  coach- 
man waved  his  whip.  Bounding  along 
the  fair  road  the  wheels  hummed;  the 
night-wind  fanned  them  through  the 
half-opened  window,  set  Mistress  Kitty's 
laces  flapping  on  her  bosom,  and  a  stray 
curl  of  Mr.  O'Hara's  dancing  on  his  pale 
forehead. 

The  exhilaration  of  the  rapid  flight,  the 
crack  of  the  whip,  the  mad  rhythm  of  the 
hoofs,  the  witchery  of  the  night  hour,  the 
risks  of  the  situation,  the  very  madness  of 
the  whole  enterprise,  all  combined  to  set 
the  widow's  gay  blood  delightfully  astir, 
mounting  to  her  light  brain  like  sparkling 
wine. 

What!  were  all  the  accessories  of  the 
play  to  be  so  perfect,  and  was  the  chief 

L  233  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^: 

character  to  prove  such  a  lamentable  failure 
in  his  part?  What!  was  she,  Kitty  Bellairs, 
to  be  carried  off  by  the  most  notorious 
rake  in  Bath,  only  to  find  him  as  awk- 
ward, as  dumb,  as  embarrassed  with  the 
incomparable  situation  as  the  veriest  green- 
horn? "It  shall  not,  and  it  cannot  be," 
said  she  to  herself.  And  thereupon  she 
changed  her  tactics. 

"Why,'*  said  she  aloud,  with  the  cooing 
note  of  her  most  melting  mood,  "  I  pro- 
test one  would  think,  sir,  that  you  were 
afraid  of  me,'' 

"Ay e,  Kitty,"  said  he,  simply;  "and  so  I  am." 
"Oh,  fie!  "  she  laughed.  "  And  how  have 
I  alarmed  you?  Think  of  me,"  said  she, 
and  leaned  her  face  towards  him  with  a 
smile  of  archest  wit,  "  not  as  a  stranger, 
but  as  a  sisther,  as  a  dear,  dear  cousin." 
His  eye  flamed  back  at  her.  Her  merry 
mood  was  as  incongruous  to  his  sudden, 
storm-serious  growth  of  passion  as  the  gay 
lilt  of  a  tambourine  might  be  to  a  solemn 
chant. 

[  234  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  I  think  of  you,"  he  said,  and  there  was 
a  deep  thrill  in  his  voice,  "  as  my  wife 
that  is  to  be." 

And  so  saying  he-  fell  upon  his  knees  in 
the  narrow  space,  and  tenderly  kissed  a 
fold  of  her  lace,  as  one,  from  the  knowl- 
edge of  his  own  fire,  afraid  of  a  nearer 
touch. 

The  word  **  wife "  had  never  a  pleas- 
ing sound  in  the  lovely  widow's  ears. 
From  neither  the  past  nor  the  future  did  it 
evoke  for  her  an  attractive  picture. 
Coming  from  those  lips,  by  which  it  was 
the  very  last  name  she  desired  to  hear 
herself  called,  it  aroused  in  her  as  pretty 
a  fit  of  fury  as  ever  she  had  indulged  in. 
"  Now,  indeed,  is  the  murder  out!  '*  she 
cried.  "  Oh,  you  men  are  all  alike.  As 
lovers — all  fire,  capsicums,  Indian  suns! 
Bottles  of  Sillery  always  bursting!  Torrents 
not  to  be  stemmed  ....  But,  lo!  you  let 
the  lover  once  fancy  himself  the  husband, 
let  the  vision  of  the  coveted  mistress  but 
merge  into  the  prospect  of  the  secured 

[  235  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

wife  . . .  Merciful  heavens,  what  a  change! 
For  fire  we  have  ice ;  for  the  red,  biting 
capsicum,  the  green,  cool  cucumber  ;  for 
joyous,  foaming  Sillery,  the  smallest  ale ; 
small  ale — nay,  toast  and  water!  '*  cried 
Mistress  Kitty,  lashing  herself  to  finer 
frenzy.  "  And  if  the  mere  sense  of  your 
security  thus  transforms  the  lover  in  you, 
what  a  pleasing  prospect,  indeed,  lies  be- 
fore the  wedded  wife!  No,  thank  you, 
sir,''  said  the  lady,  and  pushed  the  petri- 
fied O'Hara  with  an  angry  foot,  "I  have 
had  one  wintry,  toast-and-water  husband, 
and  that  shall  be  enough  for  my  lifetime. 
Thank  God,  it  is  not  too  late  yet!  "  she 
fumed.  **  I  am  not  yet,  sir.  Mistress 
O'Hara." 

And  in  the  very  midst  of  her  indignation: 
"  This  will,"  she  thought,  "  simplify  the 
parting  at  Devizes."  But  no  whit  was  her 
wrath  thereby  abated,  that  the  fool  should 
have  spoiled  her  pretty  ride. 
For  a  moment,  after  the  angry  music  of 
her  voice  had  ceased  to  ring,  there  was 

[  236] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

a  breathless  silence,  broken  only  by  the 
straining  progress  of  horses  and  chaise  up 
the  sides  of  another  hill.  Then  O'Hara 
broke  forth  into  a  sort  of  roar  or 
wounded  tenderness,  passion,  and  ire. 
Flinging  himself  back  upon  his  seat,  he 
seized  her  wrist  in  a  grip,  fierce,  yet 
still  gentle  under  its  fierceness. 
"  How  dare  ye! ''  cried  the  man,  "  how 
dare  ye  doubt  my  love!  Sure  the  flames 
of  hell  are  cold  compared  to  me  this 
minute.  May  my  tongue  wither  in  my 
mouth,  may  it  be  cut  out  of  my  jaws  and 
never  speak  a  word  of  sense  again,  may 
I  be  struck  dead  at  your  feet,  Kitty,  for 
the  rest  of  my  life,  if  it's  not  gospel 
truth!  Listen  to  my  heart,"  he  cried, 
with  yet  greater  vehemence,  pressing  her 
captive  hand  against  his  breast,  "  isn't  it 
Kitty,  Kitty,  Kitty,  .  .  .  that  it's  saying  ? 
Sure  it's  nothing  but  a  bell,  and  your 
name  is  the  clapper  in  it!  .  .  .  And  you 
to  be  railing  at  me  because  it's  so  much  I 
have  to  say  that  never  a  word  can  I  bring 

[   237  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

out!  Oh,"  pursued  Mr.  O'Hara,  waxing 
louder  and  more  voluble  still,  **sure 
what  could  I  say,  with  my  heart  in  my 
mouth  stopping  the  way?  Look  at  it,  you 
cruel  woman  ;  isn't  it  all  yours,  and  aren't 
you  sticking  pins  into  it  for  sheer  devil- 
ment, this  minute?  God  forgive  me,  that 
I  should  say  such  a  thing  of  an  angel! 
Look  at  it,  now,  Kitty!  Is  that  the  heart 
of  a  cucumber?  ...  If  you  had  said  a 
love-apple  itself.  .  .  .  Och,  indeed,  it's 
the  real  cool  cucumber  I  am,  and  it's 
toast  and  water  that's  running  through  my 
veins  like  fire!  .  .  .  Laugh,  madam,  laugh, 
it's  a  grand  joke  entirely!  make  a  pin- 
cushion of  the  cucumber!  See,  now,  is 
that  small  ale  that  bursts  from  the  wounds? 
Upon  my  soul,"  he  cried,  arrived  at  the 
height  of  his  tempest,  "  I  have  a  mind  to 
show  you  the  colour  of  it!" 
He  reached  violently  towards  the  back 
seat  for  his  sword  as  he  spoke,  and  Mis- 
tress Bellairs,  suddenly  arrested  in  her 
delighted      paroxysm,      was     sufficiently 

[  238  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

convincedof  the  Strength  of  his  feelings  to 
stop  him  with  clinging  hands  and  clam- 
ouring little  notes  of  terror. 
"  O'Hara !   madman  ! — for    God's    sake, 
Denis! '' 

"  Ah!  "  cried  he.  "  It's  not  hot  enough  I 
was  for  ye.  It's  the  cold  husband  you're 
afraid  of.  Ah,  Kitty,  you've  stirred  the 
sleeping  dog,  you  mustn't  complain  now 
if  you  can't  put  out  the  fire." 
So  saying,  he  turned  and  clasped  her  in 
an  embrace  that  left  her  scarcely  breath 
to  scream,  had  she  so  wished,  and  had  in- 
deed the  kisses  which  he  rained  upon  her 
lips  allowed  her  space  in  which  to  place 
a  protest. 

Her  light  soul,  her  easy  shallow  nature, 
was  carried  as  it  were  off  its  feet  in  the 
whirlwind  of  a  passion  the  mere  existence 
of  which,  with  all  her  experience,  she 
had  never  even  guessed.  To  say  the  truth, 
so  much  as  she  had  deemed  him  vastly 
too  cold,  so  now  she  found  him  vastly  too 
hot.  She  was    a  woman   of  niceties,  an 

[  239  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


epicure  in  life  and  love,  and  nothing  met 
with  her  favour  but  the  delicate  happy  mean. 
This  was  a  revelation,  with  a  warning. 
"Mr.  O'Hara,"  she  gasped,  at  length  re- 
leased, fluttering  like  a  ruffled  dove,  all  in 
anger  and  fear,  "such  treatment!  For  a 
gentleman,  sir,  you  strangely  forget  your- 
self." She  laid  her  hand  on  the  window 
strap.  "  Not  a  word,  sir,  or  I  will  instantly 
give  the  order  to  turn  back." 
"  Oh,"  cried  the  unhappy  lover,  and  tore 
at  his  hair  with  desperate  fingers,  filling 
the  ambient  air  with  flakes  of  powder 
which  shone  silvery  in  the  moonlight. 
"  You  drove  me  to  it.  Ah,  don't  be 
frightened  of  me,  my  darling ;  that  hurts 
me  the  worst  of  all.  Tm  quiet  now, 
Kitty." 

His  labouring  breath  hissed  between  his 
words,  and  his  satin  coat  creaked  under 
each  quivering  muscle. 
"I'm  as  quiet  as  a  lamb,"  said  he;  "sure 
a  baby  might  put  its  head  in  my  jaws — 
the  devil's  gone  out  of  me,  Kitty." 

[  240  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Vm  glad  to  hear  it,  sir,"  said  she,  unap- 
peased.  She  sat,  swelling  with  ruffled 
plumes,  looking  out  of  the  window,  and 
biting  her  lips. 

"A  moon,  too,"  she  thought,  and  the 
tears  almost  started  to  her  eyes,  for  the 
vexation  of  the  wasted  opportunity  and  the 
complete  failure  of  a  scene  so  excellently 
staged.  "  How  wise,  oh,  how  wise  I  was, 
to  have  secured  my  exit  at  Devizes!  '* 
"  I  frightened  her,"  thought  O'Hara;  and 
in  the  manly  heart  of  him  he  lamented 
his  innate  masculine  brutality  and  formed 
the  most  delicate  chivalrous  plans  for  the 
right  cherishing  in  the  future  of  the  dear 
lady  who  had  confided  herself  to  him. 


L241  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE   XXI 


1 

'W^y' 

1 

I 

^H^ 

N  the  white  moonlight 
Sir  Jasper  Standish  paced 
up  and  down  the  cobble- 
stoned  yard  with  as  mo- 
notonous a  restlessness  as 
if  he  had  been  hired  this 
night  to  act  the  living 
sign  at  the  Bear  Inriy  Devizes. 
Each  time  he  passed  the  low  open  window 
of  the  inn  parlour,  in  which  sat  Mr.  Staf- 
ford by  the  dim  yellow  light  of  two  long- 
tongued  tallow  candles,  the  baronet  would 
pause  a  moment  to  exchange  from  with- 
out a  few  dismal  words  with  his  friend. 
The  latter,  puffing  at  a  long  clay  pipe, 
endeavoured  in  the  intervals  to  while  away 
the  heavy  minutes  in  the  perusal  of  some 
tome  out  of  mine  host's  library — a  unique 
collection  and  celebrated  on  the  Bath 
Road. 

"Tom  Stafford,"  said  Sir  Jasper,  for  the 
twentieth  time,  "  how  goes  the  hour?" 

[  242  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Damned  slowly,  friend,"  said  Stafford, 
consulting  with  a  yawn  the  most  exact  of 
three  watches  at  his  fob.  "  To  be  precise, 
'tis  two  minutes  and  one  third  since  I  told 
you  that  it  wanted  a  quarter  of  midnight." 
Sir  Jasper  fell  once  more  to  his  ursine 
perambulation,  and  Stafford,  yawning  again, 
flicked  over  a  page.  He  had  not  reached 
the  bottom  of  it,  however,  before  Sir  Jas- 
per's form  returned  between  him  and  the 
moonlight. 

"  What,"  said  the  injured  husband,  "  what 
if  they  should  have  taken  another  road?" 
"  Then,"  cried  Stafford,  closing  his  book 
with  a  snap  between  both  his  palms,  toss- 
ing it  on  to  the  table  and  stretching  him- 
self desperately,  "  I  shall  only  have  to 
fight  you  myself,  for  this  most  insufferably 
dull  evening  that  you  have  made  me  spend, 
when  I  was  due  at  more  than  one  rendez- 
vous, and  had  promised  pretty  Bellairs  the 
first  minuet." 

^*  It  shall  be  pistols,"  said  Sir  Jasper,  fol- 
lowing his   own  thoughts  with  a  sort  of 

[  243  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

gloomy  lust.   "  Pistols,  Tom.   For   either 
he  or  I  shall  breathe  our  last  to-night." 
"  Pistols  with  all  my  heart,"  said  Stafford, 
stopping  his  pipe  with   his  little  finger. 
"  Only  do,  like   a  good  fellow,  make  up 
your  mind — -just  for  the  sake  of  variety. 
I  think  the  last   time  we  considered  the 
matter,  we  had  decided  for  this" — describ- 
ing a  neat  thrust  at  Sir  Jasper's  waistcoat 
through  the  window  with   the  long  stem 
of  his  churchwarden. 
"  There's  more  blood  about  it,  Jasper," 
he  suggested  critically. 
"  True,"  murmured  the  other,  again  all 

indecision.  "  But  pistols  at  five  paces " 

"  Well — yes,  there's  a  charm  about  five 
paces,  I  admit,"  returned  the  second  with 
some  weariness,  dropping  back  again  into 
his  chair.  "  And  we  can  reload,  you  know." 
"  If  I  fall,"  said  Sir  Jasper,  with  the 
emotion  which  generally  overtakes  a  man 
who  contemplates  a  tragic  contingency  to 
himself,  "be  gentle  with  her.  She  has 
sinned,  but  she  was  very  dear  to  me." 

[  244  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"  She'll  make  a  deuced  elegant  widow," 
said  Stafford,  musingly,  after  a  little  pause, 
during  which  he  had  conjured  up  Lady 
Standish's  especial  points  with  the  judg- 
ment of  a  true  connoisseur. 
"  You  must  conduct  her  back  to  her 
home,"  gulped  Sir  Jasper,  a  minute  later, 
slowly  thrusting  in  his  head  again.  "  Alack, 
would  that  I  had  never  fetched  her 
thence.  .  .  .  Had  you  but  seen  her, 
when  I  wooed  and  won  her,  Tom.  A 
country  flower,  all  innocence,  a  wild  rose. 
.  .  .  And  now,  deceitful,  double-faced!" 
"  'Tis  the  way  of  the  wild  rose,"  said 
Stafford,  philosophically.  "Let  you  but 
transplant  it  from  the  native  hedgerow, 
and  before  next  season  it  grows  double." 
Here  the  speaker,  who  was  always  ready 
with  a  generous  appreciation  of  his  own 
conceits,  threw  his  head  back  and  laughed 
consumedly,  while  Sir  Jasper  uttered  some 
sounds  between  a  growl  and  a  groan. 
The  volatile  second  in  waiting  wiped  his 
eyes. 

[^45  1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Go  to,  man,"  cried  he,  turning  with 
sudden  irascibility  upon  his  friend,  "  for 
pity's  sake  take  that  lugubrious  counte- 
nance of  thine  out  of  my  sight.  What  the 
devil  I  ever  saw  in  thee,  Jasper,  to  make 
a  friend  of,  passes  my  comprehension:  for, 
of  all  things,  I  love  a  fellow  with  a  spark 
of  wit.  And  thou,  lad,  lackest  the  saving 
grace  of  humour  sowofully,that,  in  truth, 
I  fear — well — thou  art  in  a  parlous  state : 
I  fear  damnation  waits  thee,  for  'tis  incur- 
able. What!  in  God's  name  cannot  a  man 
lose  a  throw  in  the  game  of  happiness 
and  yet  laugh?  Cannot  a  husbandman 
detect  a  poacher  on  his  land  and  not  laugh 
as  he  sets  the  gin?  Why,"  cried  Mr.  Staf- 
ford, warming  to  his  thesis,  and  clamber- 
ing lightly  out  of  the  window  to  seat  him- 
self on  the  outer  sill,  "  strike  me  ugly!  shall 
not  a  gentleman  be  ever  ready  to  meet 
his  fate  with  a  smile?  I  vow  I've  never 
yet  seen  Death's  head  grin  at  me, 
but  I've  given  him  the  grin  back — split 
me! " 

[  246  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Hark — hark!'*  cried  Sir  Jasper,  pricking 
his  strained  car,  "  D'ye  hear?'* 
"  Pooh!  "  said    Mr.    Stafford,  "  only  the 
wind  in  the  tree." 

"Nay,"  cried  Sir  Jasper;  "hush  man, 
listen." 

An  unmistakeable  rumbling  grew  upon 
the  still  night  air — a  confused  medley  of 
sounds  which  gradually  unravelled  them- 
selves upon  their  listening  ears.  It  was 
the  rhythmical  striking  of  many  hoofs, 
the  roll  of  wheels,  the  crack  of  a  merci- 
less whip. 

"  Faith  and  faith,"  cried  Stafford,  pleas- 
antly exhilarated,  "  I  believe  you're  right, 
Jasper  ;  here  they  come! " 
The  moonlight  swam  blood-red  before 
Sir  Jasper's  flaming  eye.  **  Pistols  or 
swords?"  queried  he  again  of  himself,  and 
grasped  his  hilt  as  the  nearest  relief,  pend- 
ing the  decisive  moment. 
Out  slouched  a  couple  of  sleepy  ostlers,  as 
Master  Lawrence,  mine  host,  rang  the 
stable  bell. 

[  247  3 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


Betty,  the  maid,  threw  a  couple  of  logs 
on    the  fire  while  the  dame  in  the  bar, 
waking   from  her  snooze,  demanded  the 
kettle,  selected  some  lemons,  and  ordered 
candlesticks  and  dips  with  reckless  prodi- 
gality. 

•  •••••• 

Mistress  Kitty,  peering  out  of  the  carriage 
window,  her  shoulder  still  turned  upon 
the  unhappy  and  unforgiven  swain,  hailed 
the  twinkling  lights  of  the  Bear  Inn  with 
lively  eyes. 

While  the  chaise  described  an  irreproach- 
able curve  round  the  yard,  her  quick 
glance  had  embraced  every  element  of  the 
scene.  Sir  Jasper's  bulky  figure,  with 
folded  arms  was  leaning  against  the  post 
of  the  inn  door,  awaiting  her  approach — 
retribution  personified — capriciously  illu- 
mined by  the  orange  rays  of  the  landlord's 
lantern.  Out  in  the  moonlight,  shining 
in  his  pearl  gray  satin  and  powdered 
head,  all  silver  from  crest  to  shoe-buckle, 
like  the  prince  of  fairy  lore,  sat  Stafford 

[  248  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


on  his  window-ledge,  as  gallant  a  picture 
to  a  woman's  eye,  the  widow  had  time  to 
think,  as  one  could  wish  to  see  on  such  a 
night. 

"  Oh,"  she  thought,  "  how  we  are  going 
to  enjoy  ourselves  at  last!  " 
And  being  too  true  an  artist  to  consider 
her  mere  personal  convenience  upon  a 
question  of  effect,  she  resolved  to  defer 
the  crisis  to  the  ripe  moment,  no  matter 
at  what  cost.  Accordingly,  even  as  O'Hara 
cried  out,  in  tones  of  surprise  and  disgust : 
"Thunder  and  turf!  my  darling,  if  there 
isn't  now  that  blethering  ox.  Sir  Jasper! " 
Mistress  Kitty  instantly  covered  her  face 
with  her  lace,  and  swooned  away  on  the 
Irishman's  breast. 

Sir  Jasper  charged  the  coach  door.  "Bleth- 
ering ox! "  he  bellowed.  "I'll  teach  you, 
sir,  what  I  am!   I'll  teach   that  woman — 

ni,  ni '' 

Here  Stafford  sprang  lightly  to  the  rescue. 
"  For  Heaven's  sake,"  said  he,  "  think  of 
our  names  as  gentlemen;  let  it  be  swords 

[   249  1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

or  pistols,  Jasper,  or  swords  and  pistols,  if 
you  like,  but  not  fistycuffs  and  collaring. 
Be  quiet,  Jasper !  And  you,  sir,'*  said  he 
to  0*Hara,  as  sternly  as  he  could  for  the 
tripping  of  his  laughter,  "  having  done 
your  best  to  add  that  to  a  gentleman's 
head  which  shall  make  his  hats  sit  awry 
for  the  remainder  of  his  days,  do  you  think 
it  generous  to  give  his  condition  so  precise 
a  name? " 

"  O  hush,"  cried  O'Hara,  in  too  deep  dis- 
tress to  pay  attention  either  to  abuse  or 
banter,  "give  me  room,  gentlemen,  for 
God's  sake.  Don't  you  see  the  lady  has 
fainted?" 

With  infinite  precaution  and  tenderness 
he  emerged  from  the  chay  with  his  bur- 
den, elbowing  from  his  path  on  one  side 
the  curious  and  officious  landlord,  on  the 
other  the  struggling  husband. 
"  Oh  what  have  I  done  at  all!  "  cried  the 
distracted  lover,  as  the  inertness  of  the 
weight  in  his  arms  began  to  fill  him  with 
apprehension  for  his  dear.  "  Sure,  alanna, 
[  250  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

there's  nothing  to  be  afraid  of!  Sure,  am 

I  not  here  ?  Och,  me  darling,  if '* 

But  here  Sir  Jasper  escaped  from  his 
friend's  control.  "  I'll  not  stand  it,"  cried 
he.  "  'Tis  more  than  flesh  and  blood  can 
endure.  Give  her  up  to  me,  sir.  How 
dare  you  hold  her?"  He  fell  uponO'Hara 
in  the  rear  and  seized  him,  throttling, 
round  the  neck. 

"  I'll  dare  you  in  a  minute,  ye  mad  divil! " 
yelled  O'Hara,  in  a  fury,  no  whit  less  vio- 
lent than  that  of  his  assailant.  Thus  cried 
he,  and  choked. 

In  the  scuffle  they  had  reached  the 
parlour. 

"  Oh,  Jasper,  Jasper,  in  the  name  of  de- 
cency! "  protested  Stafford,  vainly  endeav- 
ouring to  pluck  the  baronet  from  off  the 
Irishman's  back.  "And  you,  Denis  lad,  I 
entreat  of  you  cease  to  provoke  him. 
Zooks,  my  boy,  remember  he  has  some 
prior  claim — what  shall  I  say  ?  some  little 

vested  interest " 

"  I'll  stuff  him  with  his  own  red  hair  !  " 

[  251  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

asseverated  Sir  Jasper,  foaming  at  the 
mouth  as,  under  a  savage  push  from 
O'Hara's  elbow  he  fell  back,  staggering, 
into  Stafford's  power. 
"  Prior  claims — vested  interest  is  it!  Some 
of  you  will  have  to  swallow  those  words 
before  Fll  be  got  to  swallow  anything 
here,''  swore  Denis  O'Hara,  almost  gaily, 
in  the  exaltation  of  his  Celtic  rage. 
"  Sure,  'tis  mad,  I  know  ye  are,  lepping 
mad.  Sir  Jasper,  but  ought  you  not  to  be 
ashamed  of  yourself  before  the  lady?  She's 
quivering  with  the  fright.  .  .  .  Lie  here, 
my  angel,"  said  he,  vibrating  from  the 
loudest  note  of  defiance  to  the  tenderest 
cooing.  "  Lie  here  ;  there's  not  a  ha'porth 
to  frighten  ye,  were  there  fifty  such  two- 
penny old  crazy  weather-cocks  crowing  at 
you!" 

So     saying,    he     deposited     his    burthen 
tenderly  in  the  leather-winged  arm-chair 
by   the    fire-place,    and    turned    with    a 
buoyant  step  toward  Sir  Jasper. 
"  Come  out,"   said  he,  "  come  out,    sir. 

[   252  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

**  Sure,   leave  him    alone,  Tom,  'tis    the 

only  way  to  quiet  him   at  all.  Sure,  after 

our  Httle   game  the  other    night,  wasn't 

he    that    dove-like  poor    fellow,   a  child 

might  have  milked  him?" 

The   quivering   form   in  the    chair    here 

emitted  a  scale  of  hysterical  little   notes 

that  seemed  wrung  from  her  by  the  most 

irrepressible  emotion.  And: 

"  Oh,  oh,*'  exclaimed  Mr.  Stafford,  unable, 

in  the  midst  of  his  laughter,  to  retain  any 

further  grip  upon  his  friend. 

"  My    darling,"    once    more    began    the 

solicitous  O'Hara,  turning  his  head  round 

towards  the  arm-chair,  but 

"  Judas!  "  hissed  Sir  Jasper,  and  furiously 
interposed  his  bulk  between  the  Irishman 
and  his  intention. 

"  Faith,"  cried  Stafford."  Can't  you  cover 
that  head  of  yours  somehow,  O'Hara? 
I  vow  the  very  sight  of  it  is  still  the  red 
rag  to  the  bull  ...  The  bull,  aha!  " 
"  Ha!  ha!  ha!  "  broke,  this  time  uncon- 
trolled, the  merriment  from  the  chair. 

r  253  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

The  three  men  were  struck  into  silence 
and  immobility. 

Then,  on  tip  toe,  Mr.  Stafford  approached 
and  peeped  round  the  wing  of  the  arm- 
chair. He  looked,  and  seemed  blasted 
with  astonishment;  looked  again  and 
made  the  rafters  ring  with  his  sonorous 
laugh,  till  the  apprehensive  landlord  in 
the  passage  and  the  trembling  dame  in  the 
bar  were  comforted  and  reassured  by  the 
genial  sound. 

The  high  feminine  trill  of  Mistress  Kit- 
ty's musical  mirth  rang  in  sweetly  with  his. 
"Oh,  Kitty  Bellairs,  Kitty  Bellairs! '* 
gasped  Mr.  Stafford,  shook  his  finger  at 
her,  felt  blindly  for  a  support,  and  rolled 
up  against  Sir  Jasper. 
The  baronet  straightway  fell  into  an  op- 
portunely adjacent  chair  and  there  re- 
mained— his  legs  extended  with  compass 
stiffness,  his  eyes  starting  with  truly  bovine 
bewilderment — staring  at  the  rosy  visage, 
the  plump  little  figure  that  now  emerged 
from  the  ingle-nook. 

[  254  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Oh  dear,  oh  dear! "  faintly  murmured 
Stafford,  and  with  a  fresh  breath  he  was 
off  again.  "  Aha  ha  ha!  for  an  ox,  my 
Jasper,  thou  hast  started  on  a  lovely  wild 
goose  chase — as  friend  O'Hara  might  say/' 
While: 

"  Mercy  on  us!  "  rippled  the  lady.  "  I 
protest,  'tis  the  drollest  scene.  Oh,  Sir 
Jasper,  Sir  Jasper,  see  what  jealousy  may 
bring  a  man  to!  " 

**  Musha,  it's  neither  head  nor  tail  I  can 
make  of  the  game,"  said  O'Hara,  "  but 
sure  it's  like  an  angel  choir  to  hear  you 
laugh  again,  me  darling." 
The  guileless  gentleman  approached  his 
mistress  as  he  spoke,  and  prepared  to  en- 
circle her  waist.  But  with  a  sudden  sharp- 
ness she  whisked  herself  from  his 
touch. 

"  Pray,   sir,"  she  said,   "  remember  how 
we  stand  to  each   other!   If  I  laugh  'tis 
with  relief  to  know  myself  safe." 
"  Safe  ? "  he  echoed  with  sudden  awful 
misgiving. 

[255  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"  Aye/'  said  she,  and  spoke  more  tartly 
for  the  remorseful  smiting  of  her  own 
heart,  as  she  marked  the  change  in  his 
face.  "  You  would  seem  to  forget,  sir, 
that  you  have  carried  me  off  by  violence 
— treacherously  seized  me  with  your 
hired  ruffians."  Her  voice  grew  ever 
shriller,  as  certain  rumours  which  her  ex- 
pectant ears  had  already  caught  ap- 
proaching, now  grew  quite  unmistakeable 
without,  and  hasty  steps  resounded  in  the 
passage.  "  Oh,  Mr.  O'Hara,  you  have 
cruelly  used  me!  "  cried  the  lady.  "  Oh, 
Sir  Jasper,  oh,  Mr.  Stafford,  from  what  a 
fate  has  your  most  unexpected  presence 
here  to-night  thus  opportunely  saved  me!'* 
At  this  point  she  looked  up  and  gave  a 
scream  of  most  intense  astonishment,  for 
there,  in  the  doorway,  stood  my  Lord 
Verney ;  and,  over  his  shoulder,  peered 
the  white  face  of  Captain  Spicer  all 
puckered  up  with  curiosity. 


[256] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 
SCENE  XXII. 


'HARA  drew  himself  up. 
He  had  grown  all  at 
once  exceedingly  still. 
Mr.  Stafford,  gradually- 
recovering  from  his  par- 
oxysms, had  begun  to 
bestow  some  intelligent 
interest  upon  the  scene.  There  was  a 
mist  of  doubt  in  his  eyes  as  he  gazed 
from  the  victimised,  but  very  lively,  lady 
to  her  crestfallen  "  violent  abductor,"  and 
then  to  the  gloomy  countenance  of  the 
new-comer  on  the  threshold.  There 
seemed  to  be,  it  struck  him,  a  prodigious 
deliberation  in  Mistress  Kitty's  cry  and 
start  of  surprise. 

"  What  is  my  pretty  Bellairs  up  to  now.? 
Well,  poor  Irish  Denis  with  all  his  wits 
is  no  match  for  her  anyhow,  and,  faith, 
she  knows  it,''  thought  he.  Aloud  he  said, 
with  great  placidity :  "  Fie,  fie,  this  is 
shocking    to   hear!  "    and  sat,  the  good- 

[  ^57  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

humoured  Chorus  to  the  Comedy,  on  the 
edge  of  the  table,  waiting  for  the  develop- 
ment of  the  next  scene. 
Sir  Jasper,  wiping  a  beaded  brow  and 
still  staring,  as  if  by  the  sheer  fixing  of 
his  bloodshot  eye  he  could  turn  these  dis- 
appointing puppets  into  the  proper  ob- 
jects of  his  vengeance,  was  quite  unable  to 
follow  any  current  but  the  muddy  whirl 
of  his  own  thoughts. 

Lord  Verney  alone  it  was,  therefore,  who 
rose  at  all  to  Mistress  Kitty's  situation. 
"  Are  you  the  scoundrel,  then,"  said  he, 
marching  upon  O'Hara,  "  who  dared  to 
lay  hands  upon  an  unprotected  lady  in 
the  very  streets  of  Bath  ?  *'  ^ 

"  Monstrous!  "  remarked  Captain  Spicer  < 
behind  him.  Then  jogging  his  patron's 
elbow,  "  Twas  well  spoke,  Verney,  man. 
At  him  again,  there's  blood  in  this." 
Mr.  O'Hara  looked  steadily  at  Lord  Ver- 
ney, glancing  contemptuously  at  Captain 
Spicer,  and  then  with  long,  full  searching 
at  the  beguiling  widow. 

[258  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

She  thought  to  scent  danger  to  herself  in 
the  air ;  and,  womanlike,  she  seized  un- 
scrupulously upon  the  sharpest  weapon  in 
her  armoury. 

"  Perhaps,''  she  said,  with  an  angry,  scorn- 
ful laugh,  "Mr.  O'Hara  will  now  deny 
that  he  and  his  servants  attacked  my  chair- 
men in  the  dark,  threw  me,  screaming 
with  terror,  into  his  carriage,  and  that  his 
intention  was  avowedly  to  wed  me  by  force 
in  London  to-morrow." 
All  eyes  were  fixed  on  the  Irishman,  and 
silence  waited  upon  his  reply.  He  had 
grown  so  pale  that  his  red  head  seemed 
to  flame  by  contrast.  He  made  a  low 
bow. 

"  No,  Kitty,"  said  he,  in  a  very  gentle 
voice,  **I  deny  nothing."  Then  sweeping 
the  company  with  a  haughty  glance. 
"This  lady,"  said  he,  "  has  spoken  truth; 
as  for  me,  I  am  ready  to  meet  the  conse- 
quences of  my  conduct." 
His  eyes  finally  rested  once  more  on  Lord 
Verney.  The  latter  grew  white  and  then 

[  259  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


scarlet;  while  Spicer  whispered  and  again 
jogged. 

"  Of  course,"  blustered  the  youth,  and 
wished  that  he  had  the  curious  digestion 
of  his  contemporaries,  that  his  stomach 
did  not  so  squeamishly  rebel  at  the  pros- 
pect of  a  dose  of  steel,  **  of  course,  sir,  you 

must  be  aware " 

"It  shall  be  swords,"  interrupted  the  irre- 
pressible Spicer  ;  *'  and  gad,  sir,  what  my 
noble  friend  will  have  left  of  your  body  I 
will  myself  make  mince  of  this  night! 
Aye,  sir,"  said  the  captain,  astonished  at 
his  own  valour,  slapping  his  bony  chest 
and  beginning  to  squint  as  was  his  wont 
under  excitement ;  "  I  will  fight  you  my- 
self, sir." 

"  Fight  you!''  exclaimed  0*Hara,  suddenly 
stung  into  magnificent  contempt.  **  Fight 
yoUy  sir? "  he  ran  a  withering  eye  over  the 
grasshopper  anatomy  of  the  toady  as  he 
spoke,  '^you,  sir,  you,  the  writer  of  that 
dirty  note  this  morning,  bidding  me  apol- 
ogise— apologoise!  "  cried  Denis,  with  his 
[  260  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


most  luscious  brogue,  "  to  the  man,  Sir 
Jasper  there,  for  having  insulted  you  on 
the  subject  of  your  miserable  mealy  head 
— fight  you,  sir?  Sure,  rather  than  fight 
you,*'  said  Mr.  O'Hara,  searching  for  the 
most  emphatic  asseveration  conceivable, 
"  rd  never  fight  again  for  the  rest  of  my 
life!  But  ril  tell  you  what  Fll  do  for  you: 
next  time  you  thrust  that  ugly  face  or 
yours  within  the  reach  of  me  arm  O'll 
pull  your  nose  till  it's  as  long  as  your 
tongue,  and  as  slender  as  yer  courage, 
damme! " 

"  Oh,  gad!  what  a  low  scoundrel,"  mur- 
mured Captain  Spicer,  withdrawing  quickly 
several  paces,  and  with  an  intensified  cast 
in  his  eye,  "  'tis  positive  unfit  for  a  gen- 
tleman to  speak  to  him." 
"  Now,  my  lord,"  said  O'Hara,  resuming 
his  easy  dignity. 

But  that  her  comedy  should  drift  into 
tragedy  was  none  of  Mistress  Kitty's  in- 
tentions. Briskly  stepping  between  the 
laboriously   pugnacious    Verney   and   the 

\  261  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

poor  Irishman  whose  eye  (for  all  his  pres- 
ent composure)  shone  with  the  lust  of  the 
fray,  she  thus  addressed  them  collectively 
and  in  turn  : 

"Shame,  shame,  gentlemen,  I  protest!  Is 
it  not  enough  that  a  poor  woman's  heart 
should  be  set  a-fluttering  by  over  much 
love,  must  it  now  go  pit-a-pat  again  for 
over-much  hate?  My  Lord  Verney,  think 
of  your  mother.  Think  of  her,  of  whose 
declining  years  you  are  the  sole  prop  and 
joy ;  recall  to  mind  those  principles  of 
high  morality,  of  noble  Christian  duty, 
which  that  paragon  of  women  so  sedu- 
lously inculcated  in  you!"  Her  voice  quiv- 
ered on  the  faintest  note  of  mockery. 
"  Oh,  what  would  that  worthy  lady's 
feelings  be,  were  you  to  be  brought 
home  to  her — a  corse!  What,  ah  what 
indeed!  would  your  feelings  be  if,  by  some 
accident,"  here  she  shot  involuntarily 
what  was  almost  the  suspicion  of  a  wink 
in  the  direction  of  O'Hara,  "you  had  to 
answer  for  the  life  of  a  fellow-creature 
[  262  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


before  to-morrow's  dawn?  Why,  you 
could  never  open  your  Bible  again  with- 
out feeling  in  your  bosom  the  throbbing 
heart  of  a  Cain/'  She  stopped  to  draw 
breath. 

Mr.  Stafford,  one  delighted  grin,  slid  the 
whole  length  of  the  table  on  which  he 
sat  with  dangling  legs,  to  get  a  fuller 
view  of  the  saucy  face :  "  Incomparable 
Bellairs,"  he  murmured  to  himself  with 
keen  appreciation.  And:  "  So,  ho,  my 
noble  friend,''  thought  he,  as  he  shot  a 
glance  at  the  solemn  Verney,  "  now  do  I 
know  what  has  closed  to  you  for  ever  the 
gates  of  Paradise." 

"  And  you,  Mr.  O'Hara,"  resumed  the 
lady,  turning  her  eye,  full  of  indefinable 
and  entrancing  subtleties  upon  the  honest 
gentleman,  "  would  you  have  me  forgive 
you  this  night's  work?  Do  not,  then,  do 
not  force  this  impetuous  young  man  to 
an  unnecessary  quarrel.  Allow  him  to 
withdraw  his  challenge.  Do  that  in  atone- 
menty  sir,"  said  she,  with  much  severity  of 

[  263  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


accent ;  but  her  eye  said  sweetly  enough, 
"  Do  that  for  me^'  and  gave  further  prom- 
ise of  unutterable  reward. 
"Madam,"  said  O'Hara,  glancing  away 
as  if  the  sight  of  her  beauty  were 
now  more  pain  than  pleasure  to  him,  "  'tis 
for  my  Lord  Verney  to  speak ;  I  am  en- 
tirely at  his  orders.  I  understand,"  and 
here,  for  all  his  chivalrousness,  he  could 
not  refrain  him  from  a  point  of  satire,  "  I 
understand,  ma*am,  that  you  have  given 
him  the  right  to  espouse  your  quarrels." 
"  Most  certainly,"  said  the  crimson  Ver- 
ney, who  had  been  monstrously  uneasy 
during  his  lady's  sermon,  not  only  be- 
cause every  word  of  it  hit  some  tender 
point  of  his  abnormally  developed  con- 
science, but  also  because  of  an  indefinable 
sensation  that  he  was  being  held  up  to 
ridicule,  "  most  certainly,  sir,  it  is  as  Mis- 
tress Bellairs'  future  husband  that  I  find 
it  incumbent — that  I  find  myself  forced, 

reluctantly — no,    I    mean "  here  he 

flounderdd  and  looked  round  for  Spicer, 

[  264 1 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


who,  however,  was  ostentatiously  turning 
his  back  upon  the  proceedings  and  gazing 
at  the  moon.  "  In  fact,"  resumed  the  poor 
youth,  falling  back  on  his  own  unguided 
wits,  "  I  have  no  alternative  but  to  de- 
mand satisfaction  for  an  attempt  on  the 
honour  of  the  future  Lady  Verney." 
*<  Mercy  on  us !  "  cried  Mistress  Kitty, 
with  a  shrill  indignant  little  scream.  **Oh, 
fie,  my  lord,  who  would  have  deemed  you 
so  bloodthirsty?  Before  heaven,'*  she  cried 
piously,  glancing  at  the  raftered  ceiling, 
**  before  heaven,  it  would  be  the  death  of 
me,  were  there  to  be  quarrelling,  strife, 
contention  for  me — for  me!  Who  am  I?  ** 
she  said  with  the  most  angelic  humility, 
"  that  two  such  gallant  gentlemen  should 
stake  their  lives  for  me?  Rather,"  said 
she, "  will  I  give  you  back  your  word,  my 
lord.  Indeed,"  this  with  a  noble  air  of  sac- 
rifice, **  I  feel  Providence  has  but  too 
clearly  shown  me  my  duty.  Hush,  hush, 
Verney,  bethink  yourself.  How  could  I 
ever  face  your  mother  (were  you  indeed 

[  265  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

to  survive  the  encounter)  with  the  knowl- 
edge that  I  had  exposed  you  to  danger ; 
that    for  me   you  had  loaded  your  soul 
with  blood-guiltiness!  " 
She  shuddered  and  looked  delicious. 
"  Child,"   said    she   meltingly,    as    Lord 
Verney  faintly  protested,  "  it  must  be  so. 
I  have  felt  it  more  than  once ;  you  arc 
too  young.'*  There  was  a  conviction  in  her 
voice  that  gave  no  hope  of  reprieve,  and 
Lord  Verney,  who  had  already  found  out 
that  Mistress  Bellairs  was  too  dangerous 
a  delight  to  pursue  with  comfort,  accepted 
his  sentence  with  a  Christian  resignation 
that  did  justice  to  his  mother's  training. 
"  All,  all  must  now  be  over  between  us," 
said    Kitty    pathetically,  "save   a    gentle 
friendship!  Your  hand,  my  lord." 
She  reached  for  his  clumsy  paw  with  her 
determined  little  fingers. 
"  Mr.  O'Hara,"  said  she,  turning  round. 
"  I  forgive  you.  Your  hand  also,  sir." 
If  the  clasp  she  extended  to  Verney  was 
purely  official,  that  with  which  she  now 
[  266  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

seized  O^Hara's  cold  right  hand  was  elo- 
quent enough  with  quick  and  secret  pres- 
sure. But,  for  the  first  time  in  his  life, 
perhaps,  O'Hara  was  slow  in  returning  a 
woman's  token. 

"  Shake  hands,''  ordered  Mistress  Bellairs 
decisively,  and  joined  the  belligerent's 
palms. 

Here  Stafford  sprang  jovially  to  the  assis- 
tance of  the  pretty  peacemaker. 
"  Right,  right,"  cried  he.  "  Shake  hands 
on  it  like  good  fellows.  Fie !  who  could 
keep  up  a  feud  under  those  beaming  eyes? 
— Never  be  downcast,  Verney,  lad!  what 
did  I  tell  thee,  only  yesterday,  in  the 
Pump  Room,  about  thy  halo? — Denis,  my 
boy,  I've  always  loved  thee,  but  now  I'll 
love  thee  more  than  ever,  if  only  thou 
wilt  mix  us  a  bowl  of  punch  in  right 
good  Irish  fashion,  so  that  in  it  we  may 
drown  all  enmity  and  drink  good  friend- 
ship— and  above  all  toast  the  divine  Kitty 
Bellairs! " 
"Hurroosh,"  cried  O'Hara,  and  with  a 

[267] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

valiant  gulp  determined  to  swallow  his 
own  bitter  disappointment  and  flood  in  a 
tide  of  warm  gaiety  the  cold  ache  in  his 
heart.  "  By  all  means,'*  cried  he,  wrung 
Verney's  hand  with  feverish  cordiality, 
and  gave  one  last  sadly-longing  look  at 
Kitty  and  his  lovely  delusive  dream. 
Then  spinning  round  upon  himself  he 
demanded  loudly  of  the  willing  landlord, 
lemons  and  "  the  craythur — a  couple  of 
bottles,  my  friend — a  bowl  of  sugar  and  a 
trifle  of  wather — the  smaller  the  kittle  the 
better  it  boils."  And:  "Wake  up,  man,'' 
cried  he,  slapping  Sir  Jasper  on  the  back 
so  that  the  powder  flew  from  that  baro- 
net's cue.  "  Sure  we're  all  happy,  now." 
"Where's  my  wife,  sir?"  said  the  gloomy 
husband,  springing  to  his  feet  fiercely. 
"  I've  been  made  a  fool  of  between  you, 
but  all  this  does  not  tell  me  where  my 
wife  is!  Stafford,  man,  I  see  it  now:  this 
has  been  a  blind."  He  struck  his  forehead. 
"Ha,  yes  I  have  it  now,  it  was  a  false 
scent — the  villain,  the  fox  is  off  with  her 
[   268  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

on  another  road,  with  his  tongue  in  his 
cheek,  grinning  to-  think  of  me  sitting 
and  waiting  for  them  at  Devizes! — Tom, 
the  chaise,  the  horses!  There's  not  a 
moment  to  be  lost!" 

"  Devil  a  horse  or  chay  for  me,  sir,"  cried 
his  friend.  And  nodding  at  Kitty:  "I  know 
when  Fm  in  good  company,"  he  pursued, 
"if  you  don't.  Sit  down,  man,  there's 
punch  brewing.  Your  vengeance  will 
keep  hot  enough,  ha,  ha,  but  the  punch 
won't." 

"  Glory  be  to  God,"  cried  O'Hara,  staring 
at  Sir  Jasper  as  if  he  were  a  natural  curi- 
osity, "  I've  known  many  a  madman,  but 
I  never  knew  one  mad  enough  yet  to  run 
away  from  a  punch-bowl!" 
With  lace  ruffles  neatly  turned  back  from 
his  deft  hands,  O'Hara  began  to  peel  the 
lemons. 

**  Do  you,"  now  said  Captain  Spicer  with 
an  ingratiating  chirp.  "  Do  you  really  care 
for  quite  so  much  peel  in  the  bowl  .  .  . 
ahem?" 

[  269  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

The  speaker  stopped  suddenly  and  seemed 
to  wither  quite  away  under  a  sudden  look 
from  the  punch-brewer  (who  had  made  a 
movement  as  though  to  put  his  knife  and 
lemons  down  and  employ  his  fingers  dif- 
ferently) and  the  next  instant  found  him 
whispering  in  Stafford's  ear: 
"You're  a  man  of  the  world,  I  know, 
friend  Stafford,"  said  he.  "  No  doubt  you 
will  laugh  at  my  over-nice  sense  of  deli- 
cacy, but  just  now,  in  his  ravings,  poor 
O'Hara  made  a  kind  of  threat,  I  believe, 
about  pulling  my  nose.  What  would  you 
advise  me  to  do  in  the  matter?  Look  over 
it,  eh? " 

"  Certainly,"  cried  the  spark,  with  a 
glance  of  the  most  airy  contempt.  "  Look 
over  it,  as  straight  as  you  can.  Look  over 
it,  by  all  means,  but  as  you  value  the 
symmetry  of  that  ornament  to  your 
countenance.  Captain  Spicer — if  I  were 
you  I  should  keep  it  well-buttered." 

•  •.*••• 

With  an  art  of  which  he  alone  was  mas- 

[  270  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDYT 

ter.    Captain    Spicer    hereupon    vanished 
from  the  company,  without  being  missed. 


[  371  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE   XXIII 


IS   an   orgy! ''    exclaimed 
Lady  Maria. 
"Oh,    Jasper!"    sobbed 
Lady  Standish. 
"  'Twould  be  interesting 
to  know,"  further  trump- 
eted Lady  Maria,  "which 
of  these  gentlemen   is  supposed  to  have 
run  away  with  the  widow  Bellairs? " 
"  Oh,  Kitty,"  sobbed  Lady  Standish. 
"  My  God!  "  said  Sir  Jasper,  laying  down 
his  reeking  glass  and  hardly  believing  his 
eyes. 

Mistress  Kitty  (seated  between  O'Hara 
and  Stafford  at  the  end  of  the  table,  while 
Lord  Verney  and  Sir  Jasper  faced  each 
other),  continued,  unmoved,  to  sip  her 
fragrant  brew  and  cocked  her  wicked  eye 
at  the  newcomers,  enjoying  the  situation 
prodigiously.  She  laid  an  arresting  hand 
upon  the  cuffs  of  her  neighbours,  who,  all 
polite  amazement,  were  about  to  spring 

L  272  J 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

to  their  feet.  "Keep  still,"  said  she,  "keep 
still  and  let  Sir  Jasper  and  his  lady  first 
have  their  little  explanation  undisturbed. 
Never  intermeddle  between  husband  and 
wife,"  she  added  demurely,  "it  has  always 
been  one  of  my  guiding  axioms!" 
"Well,  Sir  Jasper  Standish,  these  are  pretty 
goings  on!"  cried  Lady  Maria,  "for  a  three 
month's  husband.  .  .  .  (Holdup,  my  poor 
dear  Julia!)  Profligate!"  snorted  the  old 
lady,  boring  the  baronet  through  with  one 
gimlet  eye.  "Dissolute  wretch!  highway- 
man!" 

"I  demand,"  fluted  Lady  Standish's  plain- 
tive treble  (in  her  gentle  obstinate  heart 
she  had  come  to  the  fixed  resolution  of 
never  allowing  Sir  Jasper  out  of  her  sight 
again),  "I  demand  to  be  brought  back  to 
my  mother,  and  to  have  an  immediate 
separation." 

"Running  away  with  women  out  of  the 
streets  of  Bath! — A  lady,"  (sniflF)  "sup- 
posed to  be  engaged  to  my  nevvyl  Poor 
deluded  boy — " 

[  273  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"And  my  dearest  friend! — oh,  Jasper!  How 
could  you?'* 

Sir  Jasper  broke  in  upon  his  wife's  pipe 
with  the  anguished  roar  of  the  goaded: 
"The  devil  take  me,"  cried  he,  "if  I  don't 
think  the  whole  world's  going  mad!  /elope 
with  the  widow  Bellairs,  Lady  Maria, 
ma'am?  /  treacherous,  my  lady?  Ha!"  He 
positively  capered  with  fury  and  wounded 
feeling  and  general  distraction,  as  he  drew 
the  incriminating  documents  from  his 
breast,  and  flourished  them,  one  in  each 
hand,  under  the  very  nose  of  his  accusers. 
"What  of  Red  Curl,  madam!  What  of  the 
man  who  kissed  the  dimple,  madam?  what 
of  your  lover,  madam!" 
In  his  confusion  he  hurled  the  last  two 
demands  straight  in  Lady  Maria's  face, 
who  with  all  the  indignation  of  outraged 
virtue,  exclaimed  upon  her  deepest  note: 
"Vile  slanderer,  I  deny  it!" 
Here  Mistress  Bellairs  deemed  the  moment 
ripe  for  her  delicate  interference. 
"My  lovely  Standish,"  she  cried,  "you  look 

[274] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


sadly.  Indeed  I  fear  you  will  swoon,  if  you 
do  not  sit.  Pray  Mr.  Stafford,  conduct  my 
Lady  Standish  to  the  arm-chair  and  make 
her  sip  a  glass  of  cordial  from  the  bowl 
yonder." 

**Oh,  Kitty!'*  cried  Lady  Standish,  and 
devoured  the  widow's  face  with  eager  eyes 
to  see  whether  friend  or  enemy  was  her- 
alded there. 

"My  dear,"  whispered  Kitty,  "nothing 
could  be  going  better.  Sit  down,  I  tell  you, 
and  I  promise  you  that  in  ten  minutes 
you  will  have  Sir  Jasper  on  his  knees." 
Theu  running  up  to  Sir  Jasper  and 
speaking  with  the  most  childlike  and 
deliberate  candour: 

"Pray,  Sir  Jasper,"  said  she,  "and  what 
might  you  be  prating  of  letters  and  red 
curls?  Strange  now,"  she  looked  round 
the  company  with  dewy,  guileless  eyes, 
"/  lost  a  letter  only  a  day  or  two  ago  at 
your  house — a,"  she  dropped  her  lids  with 
a  most  entrancing  little  simper,  "a  rather 
private  letter.  I  believe  I  must  have  lost  it  in 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

dear  Julia's  parlour,  near  the  sofa,  for  I  re- 
member I  pulled  out  my  handkerchief — " 
"Good  God!"  said  Sir  Jasper,  hoarsely, 
and  glared  at  her,  all  doubt,  and  crushed 
the  letters  in  his  hand. 
"Could  you — could  you  have  found  it. 
Sir  Jasper,  I  wonder?  Mercy  on  me!  And 
then  this  morning  .  .  .'tis  the  strangest 
thing  ....  I  get  another  letter,  another 
rather  private  letter,  and  after  despatching 
a  few^  notes  to  my  friends,  for  the  life  of 
me,  I  could  not  find  the  letter  any  more! 
And  I  vow  I  wanted  it,  for  I  had  scarce 
glanced  at  it/' 

"Oh,  Mistress  Bellairs!"  cried  Sir  Jasper. 
"Tell  me,"  cried  he  panting,  "what   did 
these  letters  contain?" 
"La!"  said  she,  "what  a  question   to   put 
to  a  lady!" 

"For  God's  sake,  madam"  said  he,  and  in 
truth  he  looked  piteous. 
"Then,  step  apart,"    said  she,    "and  for 
dear  Julia's  sake  I  will  confide  in  you,  as  a 
gentleman." 

[2761 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

She  led  him  to  the  moonlit  window,  while 
all  followed  them  with  curious  eyes — ex- 
cept Verney,  who  surreptitiously  drank 
his  punch,  and  slid  away  from  the  table, 
with  the  fear  of  his  aunt  in  his  heart.  And 
now  Mistress  Kitty  hung  her  head,  looked 
exceedingly  bashful  and  exceedingly  coy. 
She  took  up  a  corner  of  her  dainty  flow- 
ered gown  and  plaited  it  in  her  fingers. 
"Was  there,"  she  asked,  "was  there  any- 
thing of  the  description  of  a — of  a  trifling 
lock  of  hair,  in  the  first  letter — 'twas 
somewhat  of  an  auburn  hue?" 
"Confusion!" exclaimed  the  baronet, thrust 
the  fateful  letters  into  her  hand,  and  turn- 
ing on  his  heel,  stamped  his  foot,  muttering 
furiously:  "Curse  the  fool  that  wrote  them, 
and  the  feather-head  that  droppedthem!" 
"And  what  of  the  fool  that  picked  them 
up  and  read  them?"  whispered  Mistress 
Kitty's  voice  in  his  ears,  sharp  as  a  slender 
stiletto. 

She  looked  him  up  and  down  with  a  fine 
disdainful  mockery. 

[  277  1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"Why    will    you   men   write?"    said  she 
meaningly.  "Letters  are  dangerous  things!" 
He  stood  convicted,  without  a  word. 
"La!  what  a  face!"  she  cried  aloud  now. 
"I  protest  you  quite  frighten  me.  And  how 
is  it  you  are    not  overjoyed,   Sir  Jasper? 
Here  is  your  Julia  proved  whiter  than  the 
driven  snow  and  more  injured  than  Grise- 
lidis,  and  you  not  at  her  feet.?" 
"Where    is    she?"     said  Sir  Jasper,  half 
strangled  by  contending  emotions. 
"Why,    there,  in  that  arm-chair  in  the 
ingle-nook." 

Mistress  Kitty  smoothed  her  restored 
treasures  quite  tenderly,  folded  them  neatly 
and  slipped  them  into  the  little  brocade 
bag  that  hung  at  her  waist. 

"Indeed,  Lady  Standish,"  said  Mr.  Staf- 
ford— "a  glass  of  punch  will  do  you  no 
harm." 

"Punch?"  echoed  Lady  Maria — then  turn- 
ing fiercely  on  her  nephew:  "What,  my 
Lord!"  said  she,  "would  your  mother  say? 

[2781 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Why  you  arc  positively  recking  with  the 
dissolute  fumes!" 

"My  dear  Lady  Maria,"  interposed  the 
urbane  Stafford,  "a  more  cordial,  a  grate- 
ful fragrance  to  heighten  the  heart  after 
fatigue  and  emotions,  a  sovereign  thing, 
madam,  against  the  night  air — the  warm- 
est antidote.  A  sip  of  it,  I  assure  you, 
would  vastly  restore  you." 
"I,"  she  said,  **I,  drink  with  the  profligate 
and  the  wanton!  The  deceiving  husband 
and  the  treacherous  friend!"  She  gave  the 
fiercer  refusal  for  that  she  felt  so  strongly 
in  her  old  bones  the  charm  of  his  de- 
scription. 

"Pooh,  pooh!  my  dear  ladies,  if  that  is 
all,"  said  Mr.  Staflferd,  "then,  by  Heaven, 
let  the  glass  circulate  at  once!  Indeed,  your 
La'ship,"  turning  to  Lady  Standish,  "so 
far  from  our  good  Jasper  having  anything 
to  say  to  Mistress  Bellairs*  presence  here 
to-night,  let  me  assure  you  that  he  and  I 
set  out  alone  at  an  early  hour  this  evening, 
with  no  other  object  but  to  be  of  service 

[  279  1 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

to  your  ladyship — whom  your  anxious 
husband  had  been  led  to  believe  was  likely 
to  come  this  way  .  .  .  somewhat — ah — 
unsuitably  protected  as  he  thought.** 
Then  he  bent  down  and  whispered  into 
Lady  Standish's  pretty  ear  (which  she 
willingly  enough  lent  to  such  consoling 
assurances):  "As  for  your  friend/*  he  went 
on,  "our  delightful  if  volatile  Bellairs — 
she  came  here  with  a  vastly  different  per- 
son to  Sir  Jasper:  poor  O'Hara  yonder — 
who's  drinking  all  the  punch!  She  will 
tell  you  herself  how  it  happened.  .  .  .  But, 
gracious  stars,  my  dear  Lady  Maria,  have 
you  not  yet  been  given  a  glass  of  the — of 
Mr.  O'Hara's  restorative!** 
"Allow  me,**  cried  Kitty,  who,  having 
just  settled  Sir  Jasper*s  business  for  him, 
had  now  freedom  to  place  her  energies 
elsewhere.  "Dearest  Lady  Maria — how 
sweet  of  you  to  join  us  in  our  little  recon- 
ciliation feast!*'  She  took  a  brimming  glass 
from  0*Hara*s  hands  and  held  it,  with  a 
winning  smile,  for  Lady  Maria*s  acceptance. 
I  280  1 


THE  BATH  COiMEDY 


"Madam!**  responded  the  matron, scowled, 
drew  her  voluminous  skirts  together  and 
became  impenetrably  deaf. 
"Ah,*'  cried  the  widow  on  her  topmost 
notes,    "Madam,  how   I   should  have  re- 
vered such  a  relative  as  yourself!  Next  to 
the  joy    of   calling    my    Lord    Verney's 
mother,  my  mother,  would  have  been  that 
of  calling  his  aunt,  my  aunt!  But  the  dream 
is  over.  Lord  Verney  and  I  can  never  be 
more  to  each  other  than  we  are  now." 
"Eh?"  the  Dowager  recovered  her  hear- 
ing. "What's  that,  what's  that,  nevvy?" 
"'Tis  alas,  true,"  said  Lord  Verney,  with 
great  demureness,  "Mistress   Bellairs  has 
given  me  back  my  word." 
"Forgive  me,  dear  Lady  Maria,"  trilled 
the  widow. 

"Mercy  on  us!"  ejaculated  the  old  lady; 
then,  as  if  unconsciously,  groped  for  the 
glass  in  Mistress  Kitty's  hand. 
"Sit  down,  sit  down  all!"  cried  Mistress 
Bellairs.  Stafford  echoed  with  a  jovial 
shout.  There  was  a  call  for  a  fresh  bowl. 

[281] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


O'Hara's  eyes  began  to  dance,  his  tongue 
to  resume  its  glibness.  And  Lady  Maria 
was  surprised  to  find  how  long  her  tum- 
bler took  to  empty,  but,  curiously,  never 
failed  to  be  looking  the  other  way  when 
Mistress  Bellairs  with  tenderest  solicitude 
plied  the  silver  ladle  in  her  direction. 
"I  hope,"  said  the  ancient  lady,  now 
wreathed  in  smiles,  "I  hope  that  Mr.  O'- 
Hara's  cordial  is  not  really  stronger  than 
Madeira  wine — which  my  physician,  that 
charming  Sir  George,  says  is  all  I  ought 
to  drink." 

"Madeira?"  cried  Mr.  O'Hara,  "Madeira 
wine  is  a  very  fair  drink  ...  it  is  a  fine 
stirring  dhrink.  But  'tis  apt,  Fm  afraid,  to 
heat  the  blood  overmuch.  Now  Claret  .  . 
.  ?"  he  went  on,  pursuing  the  thesis, 
"Claret's  the  wine  for  gentlemen — only 
for  the  divil  of  a  way  it  has  of  lying  cold 
upon  the  stomach  .  .  .  after  four  or  five 
bottles.  .  .  .  Do  I  hear  you  say:  'Port,' 
over  there,  Tom  me  boy?  I'll  not  deny 
but  that  Port  has  qualities,  it's  strong,  it's 
[  282  ] 


^  THE  BATH  COMEDY  m 

mellow — but  it's  heavy.  It  sends  a  fellow 
to  sleep,  and  that's  a  tirrible  bad  mark 
against  it;  for  'tis  near  as  bad  for  a  man  to 
sleep  when  he  has  a  bottle  going,  as  when 
he  has  a  lady  coming.  Then  there's 
Champagne  for  you:  there's  exhilaration 
in  Champagne,  'tis  the  real  tipple  for  a 
gentleman  when  he's  alone — in  a  tete-a- 
tete — but  'tis  not  the  wine  for  great  com- 
pany. Now,  my  dear  friends,"  said  O'Hara, 
stirring  his  new  brew  with  the  touch  of  a 
past  master,  "if  you  want  to  know  a  wine 
that  combines  the  fire  of  the  Madeira  with 
the  elegance  of  the  Claret,  the  power  and 
mellowness  of  the  Port  with  the  exhilara- 
tion of  the  Champagne — there's  nothing 
in  the  world  can  compare  to  a  fine 
screeching  bowl  of  Brandy  Punch!" 


[2831 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 

SCENE     XXIF. 


X>A^-^'\l^^*  '^ii^Tk.^l 

w 

IS 

^ 

HEN  Mistress  Kitty  had 
sipped  half  a  glass  with 
great  show  of  relish  and 
rakishness,and  Lady  Stan- 
dish,  under  protest,  had 
sucked  a  few  spoonfuls; 
when  Lady  Maria,  stuck 
in  the  middle  of  her  fourth  helping,  pro- 
tested that  she  really  could  not  finish  the 
tumbler  and  forthwith  began  to  show  signs 
of  incoherence  and  somnolence;  when 
O'Hara  broke  into  snatches  of  song,  and 
Lord  Verney  began  to  make  calf *s  eyes 
afresh  at  the  lost  Mistress  Kitty;  when  Sir 
Jasper,  hanging  round  his  wife's  chair, 
showed  unequivocal  signs  of  repentance  and 
a  longing  for  reconciliation,  and  Stafford 
himself  became  more  pointed  in  his  admir- 
ation of  Mistress  Kitty  and  a  trifle  broader 
in  his  jests  than  was  quite  consistent  with 
his  usual  breeding;  the  little  widow  deemed 
it,  at  last,  time  to  break  up  the  party. 

[284] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


There    was    a    vast    bustle,  a  prodigious 
ordering  and  counterordering. 
"Never    mind    me,"  whispered  Stafford, 
ever  full  of  good  humour  and  tact,  into 
Sir  Jasper's  ear,  "take  your    wife  home, 
man.  Til  sleep  here  if  needs  be." 
"Not    a   foot,"    asserted  O'Hara,  appar- 
ently quite  sober,  and  speaking  with  the 
most   pleasant  deliberation  in  the  world, 
"not  a  foot  will  I  stir  from  this  place,  so 
long  as  there  is  a  lemon  left.'* 
"The  cursed  scoundrel,"  cried  Lord  Ver- 
ney,    babbling    with  fury  as  he  returned 
from  the  stables,  "the  scoundrel,  Spicer, 
has  driven  off  with  my  curricle ! " 
"Then  shall  we  be  a  merry  trio  to  drink 
daylight  in,"  said  Stafford,  and  cheered. 
"Come,  dear    Lady   Maria,"    said  Kitty. 
"I  shall  take  care  of  you.  I  will  give  you 
a  seat  in  my  chaise ;  we  shall  drive  home 
together." 

"Certainly, my  dear,  certainly,"  mumbled 
the  dowager;  "who  is  that  remarkably 
agreeable  person?"  she  requested  to  know 

[  28s  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


of  Stafford  in  her  prodigiously  audible 
whisper.  "My  dear,"  she  turned  again  to 
Kitty,  "I  like  you  wonderfully.  I  cannot 
quite  remember  your  name,  my  dear,  but 
we  will  go  home  together." 
"Dear,  dear  Lady  Maria!"  cried  Mistress 
Kitty,  honey  sweet.  "My  Lord  Verney, 
give  your  arm  to  your  revered  relative — 
mind  you  lead  her  carefully,"  she  said, 
with  all  the  imps  in  her  eyes  dancing, 
"for  I  fear  Mr.  Stafford's  cordial  has 
proved  a  little  staggering — after  the  night 
air!  And  warn  her  ladyship's  attendant  to 
be  ready  to  escort  us  back  in  my  carriage." 
Then,  taking  advantage  of  Sir  Jasper's  ab- 
sence— that  gentleman  might  even  then 
be  heard  cursing  his  sleepy  servants  in 
the  yard — Mistress  Kitty  ran  over  to 
Lady  Standish,  who  stood  wistful  and 
apart  at  the  ingle-nook. 
"My  dear,"  she  murmured,  "the  game 
is  in  your  own  hands." 
"Ah,  no!"  returned  the  other.  "Oh, 
Kitty,  you  have  been  an  evil  counsellor!" 
[  286  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

"Is  this  your  gratitude?''  retorted  Kitty, 
and  pinched  her  friend  with  vicious  little 
fingers.  "Why,  woman,  your  husband 
never  thought  so  much  of  you  in  his 
life  as  he  does  now!  Why,  there  has 
never  been  so  much  fuss  made  over  you 
since  you  were  born.  Are  these  your 
thanks?" 

"Oh,  for  the  moment  when  I  can  fly  to 
his  bosom  and  tell  him  all!  My  foolish 
endeavour  to  make  him  jealous,  my  sinful 
pretence  that  he  had  a  rival  in  my  heart!" 
"What?"  exclaimed  the  widow,  and  her 
whisper  took  all  the  emphasis  of  a  shriek. 
"Fly  to  his  bosom?  Then  I  have  done 
with  you!  Bring  him  to  his  knees  you 
mean,  madam.  Tell  him  all  ?  Tell  him  all, 
forsooth,  let  him  know  that  you  have 
made  a  fool  of  him,  all  for  nothing;  let 
him  think  that  you  had  never  had  an 
idea  beyond  pining  for  his  love ;  that  no 
other  man  has  ever  thought  of  you,  that 
he  has  never  had  a  rival,  never  will  have 
one,  that  you  are  merely  his  own  uninter- 

[  287 1 


iSTHE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

esting  Julia  whom  nobody  wants.  Why, 
Lady  Standish,  'tis  laying  down  the  arms 
when  the  battle  is  yours.  Sheer  insanity  ! 
Prodigious,  prodigious ! "  cried  Mistress 
Kitty.  "  Is  it  possible  that  you  and  I  are 
of  the  same  sex?'* 

Bewildered,  yet  half  convinced.  Lady 
Standish  listened  and  wondered. 
"Be  guided  by  me,"  whispered  Kitty 
again.  "Indeed,  my  dear,  I  mean  well  by 
you.  Keep  your  secret  if  you  love  your 
husband.  Keep  it  more  preciously  than  you 
would  keep  your  youth  and  your  beauty; 
for  I  tell  you  'tis  now  your  most  valuable 
possession.  Here,"  said  she,  and  she  took  a 
letter  from  her  famous  bag  and  thrust 
it  into  Julia's  hands,  "  here  is  what  will 
bring  him  to  his  knees !  Oh,  what  a  game 
you  have  upon  this  drive  home  if  you 
know  how  to  play  it." 
"What  is  this,  now?"  cried  Lady  Standish. 
"Hush!"  ordered  Kitty,  and  clapped  her 
friend's  hand  over  the  letter.  "Promise, 
promise!  Here  comes  your  lord!" 

[288] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

Sir  Jasper  had  approached  them  as  she 
spoke;  he  now  bowed  confusedly  and  took 
his  wife's  hand.  But: 

"A  word  in  your  ear,"  said  Mistress  Kitty, 
arresting  him  as  they  were  about  to  pass 
out.  "A  word  in  your  ear,  sir.  If  a  man 
has  a  treasure  at  home  he  would  keep  for 
himself,  he  will  do  well  to  guard  it!  An 
unwatched  jewel,  my  good  sir,  invites 
thieves.  Good  night!" 

•  •  •  •  • 

And  now  in  the  great  room  of  the  Bear 
Inn  were  left  only  three:  the  two  gallant 
gentlemen,  O'Hara  and  Stafford,  and  Mis- 
tress Kitty. 

Mistress  Kitty's  game  had  been  success- 
fully played  out;  and  yet  the  lady  lingered. 
"Good  night,"  she  began,  then  shot  a 
glance  at  Stafford.  "I  wonder,"  she  said 
innocently,  "if  my  carriage  be  ready,  and 
whether  Lady  Maria  is  well  installed?" 
"I  will  see,"  said  Stafford  simply,  and 
vanished. 
O'Hara   stood  by  the  table,  slowly  dip- 

[289] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

ping  the  ladle  into  the  punch  and  absently 

pouring    the   liquor  back  into  the  bowl 

again.  She  sidled  round  to  him. 

"Denis!"  said  she. 

He    turned  his  wildly-bright  eyes   upon 

her,  but  made  no  answer. 

"Fm  going  back,"  said  she,  and  held  out 

her  hand. 

He  carefully  put  down  the  ladle,  took  the 

tips  of  her  little  fingers  and  kissed  them. 

But  his  hands  and  his  lips  were  cold. 

"Glory  be  to  God,"  said  he,  "it's  a  grand 

game  you  played  with  me  ....  the  Bath 

Comedy  entirely,  Kitty." 

Then  he  dropped  her  hand  and  took  up 

thepunch-ladle  again  with  down-cast  looks. 

"Will  you  not  give  me  your  arm  to  my 

carriage?"  said  she,  after  a  slight  pause. 

"Ah,  Kitty,  sure  haven't  you  broke  my 

heart  for    me,    and  has    not    the  punch 

robbed  me  of  my  legs!" 

His  wild  bright  eyes  were  deeply  sad  as 

he  turned  them  on  her,  and  he  was  pale 

as  death. 

t  290  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

She  drew  back  quickly,  frowned,  hesitated, 
frowned  again,  and  then  brightened  up 
once  more. 

"Then,  sir,"  said  she,"  when  your  legs 
are  restored  to  you,  pray  let  them  conduct 
your  heart  round  to  my  lodgings,  and  we 
shall  see  what  can  be  done  towards  mend- 
ing it." 

She  dropped  him  a  curtsey  and  was  gone. 
As  Stafford  folded  her  into  the  chaise,  he 
whispered: 

"If  ever  /  have  a  chance  of  running  away 
with  you,  Kitty,  Fll  take  very  good  care 
not  to  let  you  know  which  road  I  mean 
to  choose!" 


[  291  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


SCENE    XXV. 


Tw^t^^M 

A 

i 

S  the  carriage  rolled  home- 
wards, on  the  Bath  Road, 
Lady  Standish,  both  hands 
folded  over  the  myster- 
ious letter,  sat  staring  out 
of  the  window  with  un- 
seeing eyes.  The  dawn 
had  begun  to  break  upon  a  cloudless  sky; 
the  air  was  chill  and  brisk;  mists  wreathed 
white  scarves  over  the  fields.  She  felt  con- 
scious in  every  fibre  of  her  being  that  Sir 
Jasper  was  eagerly  contemplating  her  in 
the  cold  grey  light.  Heart  and  brain  were 
in  a  turmoil;  the  anguish,  the  violent  emo- 
tions, the  successive  scenes  of  the  last  forty- 
eight  hours  passed  again  before  her  mind 
like  a  phantasmagoria.  Partly  because  of 
Mistress  Bellairs'  advice  and  partly  because 
of  a  certain  womanly  resentment,  which, 
gentle  as  she  was,  still  reared  itself  within 
her,  she  did  not  even  cast  a  look  upon  her 
husband,  but  sat  mutely  gazing  at  the  land. 
[  292  1 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


Presently  she  became  aware  that  he  had 
slid  an  arm  behind  her  waist.  She  trem- 
bled a  little,  but  did  not  turn  to  him. 
"Julia,"  said  he,  in  a  muffled  uncertain 
tone,  "Julia,  I — I  have  done  you  injustice." 
Then,  for  jealousy  is  as  ill  to  extinguish  as 
a  fire  that  smoulders,  a  flame  of  the  evil 
passion  leaped  up  again  with  him.  "But 
you  must  admit,"  said  he  "that  I  had 
cause.  Your  own  words,  I  may  say  your 
own  confession — " 

Lady  Standish  turned  her  head,  lifted 
heavy  lids  and  for  a  moment  fixed  upon 
him  the  most  beautiful  eyes  in  the  world. 
"Nay,"  said  she,  "I  made  no  confession." 
Her  tongue  trembled  upon  other  protes- 
tations, yet  Kitty's  warning  carried  the  day. 
"Tell  me,"  said  he,  and  bent  to  her,  "tell 
me  was  it  Lord  Verney  after  all?" 
Lady  Standish  again  raised  her  eyes  to  his 
face,  and  could  such  a  thing  have  been 
possible  in  a  creature  whose  very  being 
was  all  tenderness,  he  would  have  sworn 
that  in  her  gaze  there  was  contempt. 

[  293  ] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"Sir  Jasper,"  said  she,  "it  never  was  Lord 
Verney!'*    And    then    she    added:    "Has 
there  not  been  enough  of  this  ?'' 
As   she  spoke   she  moved  her  hands  and 
involuntarily  looked  down    at   the   letter 
she  held.   Then   she  sat   as  if  turned  to 
stone.  The  letter  was  in  Sir  Jasper's  writ- 
ing and  addressed  to  Mistress  Bellairs! 
"What  have  you  there?*'  cried  he. 
"Nay,"  said  she,  "I  know  not,  for    'tis 
not  my  letter.  But  you  will  know."  And 
she   held  it  up  to  him,  and  her  hand  did 
not  tremble,  yet   was    a  cold  fear   upon 
her.  "You  wrote  it,"  she  said.  He  stared 
and  his   countenance  changed,   utter  dis- 
composure fell  upon  him. 
"Julia,"     cried     he,    "Julia,     upon     my 
honour !  I  swear  'twas  nothing,  less  than 
nothing,  a  mere  idle  bit  of  gallantry — a 
jest!"  As  he  spoke  he  fell  upon  one  knee 
in  the  chaise,  at  her  feet. 
"Then  I  may  read  it?"  said  she. 
"Ah,  Julia!"  cried  he,  and  encircled  her 
with  his  arms.  She  felt  the  straining  eager- 

[  294  J 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


ness  of  his  grasp,  she  felt  his  heart  beat 
stormily.  With  a  sudden  warmth  she  knew 
that  after  all  his  love  was  hers. 
Then  she  had  an  inspiration  worthy  of  a 
cleverer  woman,  but  love  has  his  own 
geniuses.  She  disengaged  herself  from  his 
embrace  and  put  the  letter  into  his  hand. 
"Take  it,"  said  she. 

"Julia,"  he  cried  and  shook  from  head  to 
foot,  and  the  tears  sprang  to  his  eyes,  "I 
never  gave  her  a  serious  thought.  I  vow  I 
hate  the  woman." 

"Then    tear   it    up,"  said  Lady  Standish, 
with  a  superhuman  magnanimity  that  al- 
most turned  her  faint. 
He    rose  and  tore  the  letter  into  shreds 
quickly,  lest  she  should  repent,  and  flung 
them  out  of  the  window.  She    watched 
the  floating  pieces  flutter  and  vanish.  In 
her  secret  soul  she  said  to  herself: 
"Mistress    Bellairs    and   I  shall   be   very 
good  friends  at  a  distance ! " 
Her    husband   was  kneeling  at  her   feet 
again. 

[295] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


"Angel,"  cried  he  pleadingly,  and  once 
more  she  was  in  his  arms ;  and  yet  his 
jealous  heart  kept  growling  within  him, 
like  a  surly  dog  that  will  not  be  silenced. 
"Julia,"  said  he  in  her  ear,  "but  one 
word,  one  word,  my  love !  Julia,  is  there 
anyone,  anything  between  us?" 
"Oh,  that,"  she  said,  and  smiled  archly, 
"that,  sir,  you  must  discover  for  yourself." 
Her  head  sank  on  his  shoulder  as  she 
spoke. 

"You  torture  me!"  he  murmured.  But  she 
knew  that  he  had  never  kissed  her  with 
such  passion  in  all  his  life  before. 

.  .  .  .  • 

As  her  chaise  followed  on  the  road,  some 
hundred  yards  or  so  behind  Sir  Jasper's, 
Mistress  Bellairs,  sitting  beside  Lady  Maria 
(who  snored  the  whole  way  with  rhyth- 
mic steadiness)  gazed  across  the  livid  fields 
towards  the  \uw  horizon  where  the  slow 
fires  of  dawn  were  pulsing  into  brightness. 
She  was  in  deeply  reflective  mood. 
In  her  excited,  busy  brain  she  revolved 

[296] 


THE  BATH  COMEDY 


many  important  questions  and  weighed 
the  gains  and  losses  in  her  game  of  "Love 
and  Hazard"  with  all  the  seriousness  of 
the  gambler  homeward  bound  after  a 
heavy  night. 

"At  least,  she  thought  upon  a  little  sigh, 
with  some  complacency,  "I  did  a  vastly 
good  turn  to  my  Lady  Standish.  But  the 
woman  is  a  fool,  if  a  sweet  one,  and  fools 
are  past  permanent  mending.  I  did  well,'' 
thought  she,  "to  condemn  the  Calf — there 
is  no  doubt  of  that."  She  glanced  at  Lady 
Maria's  withered  countenance,  unlovely 
and  undignified  in  her  stupor — "The  men- 
agerie would  have  been  the  death  of  me 
promptly.  .  .  .  But,  my  poor  O'Hara! 
How  could  I  ever  have  called  him  a  cu- 
cumber? There  was  love  for  the  taking, 
now — yet  no!  Worshipper,  vastly  well; 
but  husband?  not  for  me,  not  for  me! 
Bless  me,"  she  cried  to  herself  testily;  "is 
a  woman  to  have  no  choice  between  mid- 
winter, green  spring,  or  the  dog  days?  If 
I  ever  allow  myself  to  be  abducted  again, 

[  297  ] 


^THE  BATH  COMEDY^ 

'twill  be  with  your  Man  of  the  World — 
one  with  palate  enough  to  relish  me  with- 
out wanting  to  swallow  me  at  a  gulp/' 
She  paused  in  her  train  of  thought  to 
laugh  at  the  recollection  of  Mr.  Stafford's 
parting  speech.  "There  is  an  easy  heart 
for  you!"  she  murmured.  "A  gallant  gentle- 
man with  as  pretty  a  wit  as  O'Hara  him- 
self, and  every  whit  as  good  a  leg.  Per- 
haps/' thought  Mistress  Kitty,  yawned 
and  grew  sleepy;  nodded  her  delicate  head; 
dreamed  then  a  little  dream  and  saw  a 
silver  Beau  in  the  moonlight,  and  woke 
up  with  a  smile.  The  spires  of  Bath 
Cathedral  pierced  silver  grey  through  a 
golden  mist;  far  beneath  her  gaze,  as  the 
chaise  began  to  tip  the  crest  of  the  great 
hill,  like  a  silver  ribbon  ran  the  river. 
"Perhaps.  .  .  We  shall  see,"  said  the 
widow. 


[298] 


YB  60276 


